16> To avoid confusion, staff reverts back to referring to Madelaine Albright by name.

15> New "doggy door" makes it that much easier to sneak out a midnight run to McDonald's.

14> At long last, Bill won't have to flinch *every* time he hears "Bad boy."

13> President no longer the only one accused of burying his bone in someone else's yard.

12> "Bitch" label now somewhat ambiguous.

11> Accusations of crotch-sniffing at the White House no longer automatically implicate the President.

10> New, unwelcome presents under the Christmas tree.

9> Obviously miffed Socks slips Kenneth Starr a note reading "Bil kilt Vyns Fosdr!"

8> Shouts of "Come!" from Lincoln bedroom no longer make Hillary suspicious.

7> Chelsea drops to #2 on the White House Pug-Ugly List.

6> Pipe and slipper retrieval removed from Al Gore's daily to-do list.

5> Roger Clinton no longer the only one to piddle in the Rose Garden.

4> Cries of "What a dog!" no longer make Janet Reno burst into tears at State dinners.

3> To the embarrassment of the trainers, dog still unable to tell Al Gore from a tree.

2> "Get that horny furball off my leg!" no longer refers exclusively to the President.

and the Number 1 Change at the White House Now That the Clintons have a Puppy...

1> Campaign donors staying overnight in the Lincoln Bedroom now find complimentary Tootsie Rolls on their pillows.

At a Fortune 500 company I took the soap in the kitchen area and put it in the refrigerator with a sign that said "Do not remove."

It stayed there for the final three weeks of my contract. I actually witnessed Induhviduals taking it out, using it and putting it back.

[Editor's Note: A variation of this theme would be a sign on the soap that reads, "Do not use with water."]

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A friend from West Virginia was shopping at the Wal-Mart in Blacksburg, VA. At the cash register, my friend wrote a check. The clerk asked for her driver's license. She presented her West Virginia drivers license and the clerk grabbed it way from her and scoffed at her, "If you're going to use a fake ID, you could at least use a real state!" A manager was required to verify West Virginia's statehood.

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A report from a 9th grader:

Our school campus has twenty buildings spread over seventy acres. There were two soda machines. Recently they added a third. I overheard the workers arguing where to put the new machine. They decided to put it next to the other machine because that way people would notice it when buying drinks. There was one tiny flaw in that plan. The two machines sold the same drinks, and the new one cost an extra 75 cents.

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When Daylight Saving Time was started on a national basis, I was able to convince one Induhvidual that she had to get up at 2 a.m. to reset her clocks. To do otherwise would violate federal law.

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While shopping at the grocery store, I noticed that the tuna packed

in spring water was labelled dolphin safe, but the tuna packed in oil was not. I mentioned this fact to the cashier and mused out loud, "I wonder why?"

She replied, "Must be because the oil would suffocate them."

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The instructor was demonstrating the wonders of static electricity to his class at MIT. While holding a plastic rod in one hand and a wool cloth in the other, he told the class, "You can see that I get a large charge from rubbing my rod..."

That was pretty much the end of learning for that day.

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My previous job was with a clothing manufacturer. Every season we would have presentations on the latest fashions from around the world. During one of these presentations, our chief designer held up a pair of jeans that he had purchased in a trendy boutique in London. He told us that they were from a very exclusive designer and were about 200 pounds each.

An Induhvidual from the audience piped up, "200 pounds! How can a pair of jeans weigh that much?!"

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I called my hair salon to tell them I'd be late for an appointment. I couldn't remember the haircutter's unusual name, so I said, "I think her name is 'Zora.'"

The receptionist said flatly, "We don't have anybody here by that name." I said, "Check the appointment book and see who my appointment is with."

She checked and said, "Oh, your appointment is with 'Zoya.'"

So I'm wondering, how many of the six people working there have four letter names beginning with Z anyway???

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I worked for a while at a Wal-Mart store, selling sporting goods. As an employee of Wal-Mart you are sometimes required to make store-wide pages, e.g.,"I have a customer in hardware who needs assistance at the paint counter."

One night a tentative female voice came over the intercom system with the (I kid you not) following message:

"I have a customer by the balls in toys who needs assistance."

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A long, long, time ago, when I was 19 or 20, I went to a bar with an older friend. The guy at the door asked for my ID. I gave him my driver's license, which of course had my date of birth printed on it.

He looked at it and said, "You have to be 21 to get in here." I

replied, "That ID is a few years old."

He looked at it again for a moment, then said "Oh, OK" and let me in.

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At my previous company in the UK, a Quality Initiative made use of posters around the office featuring parts of motivating words such as 'S CCESS' and 'VAL E'.

This was supposed to make you think that what was missing was 'U' (you). However, to the joy of the staff, a hand-written addition to the posters appeared. It was the single word: 'B LL'.

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At a company during the winter months the static buildup due to the dry air from the heating system was becoming quite a problem. People and equipment were getting zapped constantly.

The receptionist was particularly hard hit as people were handing her stuff all day. An enterprising engineer decided to connect a wire with clips on each end from his sock to his shoe to ground the static. He was so proud of himself that he went to the receptionist and proclaimed he had fixed the static problem.

He then proceeded to walk in circles dragging his feet to prove that it worked. He reached his hand toward her to complete the demonstration. A big blue spark flew from his hand to her closest body part (her left breast) and she screamed like a wounded wolverine. It seems the clip had fallen off his sock.

[Editor: I'll bet she was Thor.]

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I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control centre. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down, and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave

her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants.

I told her that she better bring her daughter in to the ER right away.

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There's an automotive tire dealer in town with the following motto painted in two-foot high letters on the storefronts of their several locations:

"If it's in stock, we've got it!"

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The receptionist was instructed to call a vendor. Using the vendor's invoice as the source of the phone number she began calling. Each time she called, her phone would ring. When she answered, no one was there. This continued throughout the morning. When later asked if she reached the vendor she explained what was happening and demonstrated for her superior. He noticed that the phone number she was calling (which was on the vendor's invoice) WAS THEIR OWN PHONE NUMBER! She had spent an entire morning calling herself.

The Bishop runs into to the Pope's quarters and says "Your Holiness, I have good News and I have Bad New!"

Pope: "Whats the Good News?

Bishop: "Jesus Has Returned to Earth! He's on the Phone and wants to speak with you!"

Pope: "and the Bad News?"

Bishop "He's calling from Salt Lake city!"

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

-It's a dog eat dog world out there. And they're short on napkins.

-Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

-One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

-Atheism is a nonprophet organization.

-If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

-The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

-Never trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent.

-Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.

-Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

-On the other hand, you have different fingers.

-Married people don't live longer than single people. It just seems longer.

-I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

-If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

May is considered an unfortunate marrying month. A country editor says that a girl was asked recently to unite herself in the silken tie to a brisk chap, who named May in his proposals. The lady tenderly hinted that May was an unlucky month. "Well, make it June, then," honestly replied the swain, anxious to accommodate. The damsel paused a moment, hesitated, cast down her eyes, and with a blush said, "Would not April do as well?" -Daily Evening Transcript, Boston, May 28, 1853.

A SHREWD EDITOR. - At a Welch celebration in New York, Dr. Jones told the following amusing anecdote: The speaker said that editors were like other shrewd men who have to live with their eyes and ears open. He related the story of an editor who started a paper in a new village in the West. The town was infested with gamblers, whose presence was a source of annoyance to the citizens, who told the editor that if he did not come out against them they would not patronize his paper. He replied that he would give them a "smasher" next day. Sure enough his next issue contained the promised smasher. On the following morning the redoubtable editor, with scissors in hand, was seated in his sanctum cutting out news, when in walked a large man with a club in his hand and demanded to know if the editor was in. "No sir," was the reply, "he has stepped out; take a seat and read the papers; he will return in a minute." Down sat the indignant man of cards, crossed his legs with his club between them, and commenced reading a paper. In the meantime the editor quietly vamosed down stairs, and at the landing below he met another excited man with a cudgel in his hand, who asked if the editor was in. "Yes, sir," was the prompt response. "You will find him seated up stairs reading a newspaper." The latter on entering the room with a furious oath commenced a violent assault upon the former, which was resisted with equal ferocity. The fight was continued until they both rolled to the foot of the stairs and a pounded each other to their hearts' content. - Semi-Weekly Telegraph, Great Salt Lake City, Utah Territory, Oct 18, 1866.

There were two soldiers lying beneath the blankets, looking up at the stars in a Virginia sky: Says Jack: "What made you go into the army, Tom?" "Well," replied Tom, "I had no wife and loved war. What made you go to the war, Jack?" "Well," he replied, "I had a wife and loved peace, so I went." - Santa Clara (Calif.) Journal, Aug 19, 1882.

There is nothing so tends to shorten the lives of old people, and to injure health, as the practice of sitting up late, especially winter evenings. This is especially the case when there is a grown up daughter in the family. We publish this item at the earnest request of several young men. - Amador Weekly Ledger, Jackson, Calif., May 2, 1874.

-Husband (who has advertised for a typewriter expert)-"Did many call to-day, my dear, in answer to the advertisement?" Wife-"Yes, quite a number; but there was only one applicant whom I told to call again. He seems bright, and I'm sure you will like him." Husband-"What was the trouble with the rest?" Wife-"They were all young women." - N. Y. Sun. - The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Jan 9, 1889.

A PARADOX. - "Waiter," said a young fellow, going into a coffee-house one rainy day, "I hope you have got a good fire, for I am confoundedly

wet, and let me have something to drink directly, for I am confoundedly dry also." - American Traveller, Boston, Apr 7, 1837.

A new Orleans Judge, riding in the cars recently, from a single glance at the countenance of a lady by his side, imagined he knew her, and ventured to remark that the day was pleasant. She only answered: "Yes." "Why do you wear a veil?" "Lest I attract gentlemen." "It is the province of gentlemen to admire," replied the gallant man of law. "Not when they are married." "But I am not." "Indeed!" "Oh, no, I'm a bachelor." The lady quietly removed her veil, disclosing to the astonished magistrate the face of his mother-in-law. He has been a raving maniac ever since. - Daily Morning Oregonian, Portland, Jan 5, 1875.

A five-year-old , who had fallen and cut his lip so that it was necessary for the doctor to stitch the wound, after bearing the pain bravely, turned to his mother, who was making much ado over the operation, and said: "Never mind, mamma, my mustache will cover it."-Troy Times. - The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Sept 1, 1886.

"Do you think," asked Mrs. Pepper, "that a little temper is a bad thing in a woman?" "Certainly not, ma'am," replied the gallant philosopher; "it is a good thing, and she ought never to lose it." - Woman's Exponent, Salt Lake City, Utah Territory, Nov 1, 1872.

They have begun to post circus bills on the gravestones out in the wilds of the West. Should the custom become general, and reach out its arms to embrace the civilized world, it will find men, if death has not changed their disposition, mean enough to get up and demand a complimentary ticket for the privilege. -Fulton Times. - The Union Democrat, Sonora, Calif., Apr 6, 1878.

Slightly Altered. - While a man was guzzling drink a little ragged girl entered and sought him out, and instead of requesting him to come home, dear father, as poor brother Benny was dead and the house was all dark, she whispered: "Now, old man, you'd better be dustin' out o' here. Mam's coming around the corner with a club in her hand and both eyes shooting fire!" - Oregon City Enterprise, June 11, 1875.

Lovers do the cooing before marriage, and tradesmen do the billing after it. - Daily Morning Oregonian, Portland, Jan 29, 1875.

A Permanent Fence. Little Dick had been listening to the recitation in geography of an older brother. "I know what an island is," said he to mamma. "Well, what is it?" asked mamma. 'It's a little piece of land all fenced round with water," proudly answered Dick. - Youth's Companion. - The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Jan 2, 1889.

A Virginia editor has come to the conclusion that a man might as well undertake to hold himself at arm's length and then turn a double somersault over a church steeple, as to attempt to publish a magazine that will suit everybody. - Bedrock Democrat, Baker City, Ore., Dec 20, 1871.

A Nebraska editor is writing rhymes. Here is his latest production: The man who cheats the printer Out of a single cent, Will never reach the heavenly land Where old Elijah went. - Amador Weekly Ledger, Jackson, Calif., Apr 11, 1874.

A Big Story. - A Kentuckian becoming incensed at the boastfulness of an Englishman as to the superiority of British inventions, exclaimed,

"Pshaw! They are of no account. Why, a house painter in my neighborhood grained a door so exactly in imitation of oak, that last year it put forth leaves, and grew an excellent crop of acorns; and another fellow up in Iowa has just taught ducks to swim in hot water, and with such success that they lay boiled eggs!" The Englishman from that time forth exhibited a modest and subdued air. - Oregon Sentinel, Jacksonville, Nov 22, 1876.

When a boy falls and peels the skin off his nose, the first thing he does is to get up and yell. When a girl tumbles and hurts herself badly the first thing she does is to get up and look at her dress. - Oregon City Enterprise, July 30, 1875.

Change for Market. "My dear, what shall we have for dinner today?" "One of your smiles," replied the husband; "I can dine on that any day." "But I can't," said the wife. "Then take this," and he gave her a kiss and departed. He returned to dinner. "This is an excellent steak," said he, "what did you pay for it?" "Why, what you gave me this morning," said the wife. "The deuce you did!" said he, "then you shall have money the next time you go to market." - Daily Evening Transcript, Boston, May 25, 1852.

Railway official-You'd better not smoke, sir. Traveler-That's what my friends say. Railway official-But you musn't smoke, sir. Traveler-So my doctor tells me. Railway official-(indignantly)-But you shan't smoke, sir! Traveler-Ah! just what my wife says. - Semi-Weekly Telegraph, Great Salt Lake City, Utah Territory, Oct 18, 1866.

Some men have tact. Said the bride-groom who didn't wish to either offend his bride or die of internal disturbance: "My dear, this bread looks delicious, but it is the first you have ever made. I cannot think of eating it, but will preserve it to show to our children in after years as a sample of their mother's skill and deftness." - The Modoc Independent, Alturas, Calif., Jan 15, 1885.

A clergyman who is fond of dogs bought a couple of pups of rare breed while on a visit to London, and left them with a dog-fancier to train. On returning home one day, he found his wife, abetted by her mother, about to quit his house and apply for a divorce, on the basis of the following telegram from the dog-fancier, which had come for him a few hours before: "The little darlings are doing well and looking lovely. Send money for their board." - Santa Clara (Calif.) Journal, Aug 19, 1882.

Some citizens of Sandusky, Ohio, were a few nights ago attracted to an old out-building, by cries from within of "Murder! murder!-p-come quick-p-he's eating me up!" and on entering, found lying there a loafer who had gone to sleep drunk, and two young twin calves sucking his ears! -National Intelligencer, Washington, D. C., May 24, 1842

Kissing. A lady of experience gives advice on kissing to a younger lady friend, as follows: "Be frugal in your bestowals of such favors. In the first place I would cut off all uncles, cousins, and brothers-in-law; let them kiss their own wives and daughters; and I would not kiss the minister, or the doctor, or the lawyer who gets you a divorce." You see this lady understands her business, and does not leave out the editor; he of all others needs these osculatory attentions to "lighten up the gloom;" she's a jolly, sensible woman, with a heart in the right place. - The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., Dec 14, 1881.

The motto of the "Silver Standard", published at Silver Plume, Col., is as follows: "Trying to do business without advertising, is like winking at a pretty girl in the dark. You may know what you are doing, but nobody else does." - The Plaindealer, Roseburg, Ore., Jan 15, 1886.

A little girl walking in the cemetery of Pere-la-Chaise, at Paris, and reading one after another the praises upon the tombs of those who slept beneath, suddenly exclaimed-"I wonder where they bury all the sinners!" - The Odd Fellow, Boston, Sept 1, 1847.

Strange that man should have been given two ears and but one tongue, when, as every body knows, he would rather talk all day than listen five minutes. - The Coos Bay News, Marshfield, Ore., June 8, 1887.

People who wonder why men's hair turns gray before their whiskers should reflect that there is about twenty years difference in their respective ages. - Santa Clara (Calif.) Journal, June 19, 1880.

"See, momma!" exclaimed a little girl as she looked out of the window during a snow storm - "see the popped rain coming down." - The Plaindealer, Roseburg, Ore., Jan 15, 1886.

It was so hot here one day last month that we had to take in the thermometers to prevent them from melting. At that it is not as bad as Texas. We recall that we saw a cart laden with popcorn and drawn by a weary-looking mule, ambling along over a hot street in San Antonio. The heat was so intense that the corn began to pop, and it dropped all over around the mule, who thought it was snowing, and froze to death! - The Squawk (publication of the 635 th Aero Squadron), Richmond, Va., July 25, 1918.

After the officials of a town had vainly endeavored to disperse a mob, a minister mounted a box and made the simple announcement: "A collection will now be taken up." The result can be easily guessed. -The Modoc Independent, Alturas, Calif., Jan 22, 1885.