'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not an appliance was whirring, not even the computer mouse. The monogrammed stockings were were hung by the chimney with care, Except for Cousin Billy's, which was hidden on a dare.

The children were sleeping beneath Batman and Barbie bedspreads, While visions of big expensive toys danced in thier heads. And Mamma with her stress-reducing eye pillow and I with my Breathe-Right strip, Had just settled down away from winter's icy grip.

When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from the heated waterbed to see what was the matter. In hopes of seeing extraterrestrials of some kind, I flung back the curtains and yanked up the blind.

The multi-colored Christmas lights on the fresh plowed snow Gave luster to the plastic yard ornaments below. When what to my wondering eyes should appear-not aliens- But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer.

No, I hadn't had too much eggnog, for I heard upon the solar-paneled roof, The prancing and pawing of each little hoof. As I drew in my hand and was turning around, Down the chimney St. Nick came with a bound.

He was dressed all in fleece, from his head to his boots, And his clothes were all covered in ashes and soot. He had a double chin and a big, round belly That shook-quite disgustingly-like a bowl full of jelly.

He was chubby and plump, a right jolly old elf, And I laughed when I saw him in spite of myself. To Richard Simmons, this man had never been, Taking liberties with milk and cookies, in his mind, was no sin.

He spoke not a word, but after eating, went straight to his work, And filled all the stockings, when he spotted me he called a @!#$% jerk. And laying his finger aside his nose, And giving a nod up the chimney he rose.

He sprang to his sleigh, to his team gave a whistle, And away they all flew, leaving me, in rage, to bristle. But I heard him exclaim, as he drove out of sight, "I've had enough of this boys, let's call it a night!!"