A wealthy woman is giving a garden party, and several well-to-do guests attend. While the party ensues, two gardeners are out on the back lawn working. One of the guests was watching the gardeners do their thing, and while one gardener was busy weeding the other jumped up and did graceful swirling dance movements. Taken by his grace, the guest remarked to the host, 'That man is such a talented dancer, that I'd pay him a hundred pounds to demonstrate his dancing before my aerobics class!' When the host asked the first gardener about such an arrangement, he yelled, 'Hey Fred! Do you think for a hundred pounds you could step on that rake again?'

It had to happen sooner or later. Lawyer Dobbins was wheeled into the emergency room on a stretcher, rolling his head in agony. Doctor Green came over to see him.

"Dobbins," he said, "What an honor. The last time I saw you was in court when you accused me of malpractice."

"Doc. Doc. My side is on fire. The pain is right here. What could it be?"

"How would I know? You told the jury I wasn't fit to be a doctor."

"I was only kidding, Doc. When you represent a client you don't know what you're saying. Could I be passing a kidney stone?"

"Your diagnosis is as good as mine."

"What are you talking about?"

"When you questioned me on the stand you indicated you knew everything there was to know about the practice of medicine."

"Doc, I'm climbing the wall. Give me something."

"Let's say I give you something for a kidney stone and it turns out to be a gallstone. Who is going to pay for my court costs?"

"I'll sign a paper that I won't sue."

"Can I read to you from the transcript of the trial?

Lawyer Dobbins: 'Why were you so sure that my client had tennis elbow?'

Dr. Green: 'I've treated hundreds of people with tennis elbow and I know it when I see it.'

Dobbins: 'It never occurred to you my client could have an Excedrin headache?'

Green: 'No, there were no signs of an Excedrin headache.'

Dobbins: 'You and your ilk make me sick.' "

"Why are you reading that to me?"

"Because, Dobbins, since the trial I've lost confidence in making a diagnosis. A lady cane in the other day limping..."

"Please, Doc, I don't want to hear it now. Give me some Demerol."

"You said during the suit that I dispensed drugs like a drunken sailor.

I've changed my ways, Dobbins. I don't prescribe drugs anymore."

"Then get me another doctor."

"There are no other doctors on duty. The reason I'm here is that after the malpractice suit the sheriff seized everything in my office. This is the only place that I can practice."

"If you give me something to relieve the pain I will personally appeal your case to a higher court."

"You know, Dobbins, I was sure that you were a prime candidate for a kidney stone."

"You can't tell a man is a candidate for a kidney stone just by looking at him."

"That's what you think, Dobbins. You had so much acid in you when you addressed the jury I knew some of it eventually had to crystallize into stones. Remember on the third day day when you called me the 'Butcher of Operating Room 6'? That afternoon I said to my wife, "That man is going to be in a lot of pain.' "

"Okay, Doc, you've had your ounce of flesh. Can I now have my ounce of Demerol?"

"I better check you out first."

"Don't check me out, just give the dope."

"But in court the first question you asked me was if I had examined the patient completely. It would be negligent of me if I didn't do it now. Do you mind getting up on the scale?"

"What for?"

"To find out your height. I have to be prepared in case I get sued and the lawyer asks me if I knew how tall you were."

"I'm not going to sue you."

"You say that now. But how can I be sure you won't file a writ after you pass the kidney stone?"

Morgan's Note: Always becareful, your words could be your down fall.

A man with a bad stomach complaint goes to his local doctor and asks him what he can do. The doctor replies that the illness is quite serious but can be cured with a small course of two suppositories inserted deep up the back passage. The man agrees, and so the doctor warns him of the pain, tells him to bend over, and shoves the thing way up his behind. The doctor then hands him the second dose and tells him to do the same thing in six hours time using rubber gloves and KY-Jelly or something.

So, the man goes home and later that evening tries to get the second suppository inserted, but he finds he cannot reach himself properly to obtain the required depth. Thus, he calls his wife over and tells her what to do. The wife nods, puts one hand on his shoulder to steady him and with the other shoves the medicine home. Suddenly the man screams in disgust. "What's the matter?" asked his wife. "Did I hurt you?"

"No," replies the man, "but I just realized that when the doctor did that, he had BOTH hands on my shoulders."

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