Johnny is sitting on the curb with a bottle of clear liquid, he shakes it and watches the bubbles, and just them a prist walks by, what is that you have son? This here is the most powerful stuff in the world, this is turpentine! Oh no son, the most powerful stuff in the world is holy water. why you just sprinkle a few drops of holy water on a womans tummy and she well pass a baby boy!! Shit thats nothing, sprinkle a few drops of this turpentine on a cats ass and it will pass a motorcycle!!

A MAN who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Well, I'll be damned," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper. The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

One girl was telling a friend over lunch that she had given all her beaus pet names that also served as a secret reminder of their sexual talents. As luck would have it, one passed by, and she called out, "Hey, Johnny Walker. How's it going baby?" Her friend said, "Say. I happen to know that fellow, and his name is not Johnny Walker at all. Johnny Walker is a liquor." "Damn!!! You've broken my code that quickly," said the girl.

It was slightly before Thanksgiving. The trip went reasonably well, and he was ready to go back. The airport on the other end had turned a tacky red and green, and loudspeakers blared annoying elevator renditions of cherished Christmas carols.

Being someone who took Christmas very seriously, and being slightly tired, he was not in a particularly good mood.

Going to check in his luggage (which, for some reason, had become one suitcase with entirely new clothes), he saw hanging mistletoe. Not real mistletoe, but very cheap plastic with red paint on some of the rounder parts and green paint on some of the flatter and pointier parts, that could be taken for mistletoe only in a very Picasso sort of way.

With a considerable degree of irritation and nowhere else to vent it, he said to the attendant,

"Even if I were not married, I would not want to kiss you under such a ghastly mockery of mistletoe."

"Sir, look more closely at where the mistletoe is."

(pause)

"Ok, I see that it's above the luggage scale, which is the place you'd have to step forward for a kiss."

"That's not why it's there."

(pause)

"Ok, I give up. Why is it there?"

"It's there so you can kiss your luggage goodbye."