Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress.

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys. So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"

And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I`m here to donate some blood. They`re going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that`s interesting. I`m here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more

before going their separate ways.

Several months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

T'was the night before Christmas, and all through the shop, The computers were whirring; they never do stop. The power was on and the temperature right, In hopes that the input would feed back that night.

The system was ready, the program was coded, And memory drums had been carefully loaded; While adding a Christmasy glow to the scene, The lights on the console, flashed red, white and green.

When out in the hall there arose such a clatter, The programmer ran to see what was the matter. Away to the hallway he flew like a flash, Forgetting his key in his curious dash. He stood in the hallway and looked all about, When the door slammed behind him, and he was locked out.

Then, in the computer room what should appear, But a miniature sleigh and eight tiny reindeer; And a little old man, who with scarcely a pause, Chuckled: "My name is Santa...the last name is Claus."

The computer was startled, confused by the name, Then it buzzed as it heard the old fellow exclaim: "This is Dasher and Dancer and Prancer and Vixen, And Comet and Cupid and Donner and Blitzen."

With all these odd names, it was puzzled anew; It hummed and it clanked, and a main circuit blew. It searched in its memory core, trying to "think"; Then the multi-line printer went out on the blink.

Unable to do its electronic job, It said in a voice that was almost a sob:

"Your eyes - how they twinkle - your dimples so merry, Your cheeks so like roses, your nose like a cherry,

Your smile - all these things, I've been programmed to know, And at data-recall, I am more than so-so; But your name and your address (computers can't lie), Are things that I just cannot identify.

You've a jolly old face and a little round belly, That shakes when you laugh like a bowlful of jelly; My scanners can see you, but still I insist, Since you're not in my program, you cannot exist!"

Old Santa just chuckled a merry "ho, ho", And sat down to type out a quick word or so. The keyboard clack-clattered, its sound sharp and clean, As Santa fed this "data" to the machine:

"Kids everywhere know me; I come every year; The presents I bring add to everyone's cheer; But you won't get anything - that's plain to see; Too bad your programmers forgot about me."

Then he faced the machine and said with a shrug, "Merry Christmas to All," as he pulled out its plug! (author unknown)

Dear Little Ones:

A very suspicious-looking man came into the barnyard the other day. He looked all around among my brothers and cousins. Then he pointed at me and said I was a nice, big fellow. This made me feel very proud.

When he put his hand into his pocket, I supposed he was going to give me some corn. Instead he counted out money to my master. Then I knew he would take me away, and 1 began gobbling good-bye to my relatives and friends of the barnyard.

Now I am alone in the little pen he brought me to. I have been thinking of all this fuss over me, and having so many good things to eat must mean something. I gobbled to some other fowls running about in a yard, and found out from them that it was almost Christmas-time.

Now let me ease your tender little hearts about my career being so suddenly cut short. I want to tell you that in Turkeydom it is considered a great glory to be the center of attraction at a Christmas dinner-table; to be dressed up in a nice brown coat; to be surrounded by sparkling jellies, rich cranberry sauce, and all the other good things; to hear the children cry, "Oh! Oh!" and the papas and mamas say, "What a fine turkey!" This is 'what we live for, my little dears. So, when I have gobbled my last gobble, don't be sorry for me.

Yours, when fat,

TURKEYGOBBLER