================================== ~~~ Managed Health Care FAQs ~~~ ==================================

Q: What does HMO stand for? A: This is actually a variation of the phrase, "Hey, Moe!" Its roots go back to the concept pioneered by Dr. Moe Howard, who discovered that a patient could be made to forget about the pain in his foot if he was poked hard enough in the eyes. Modern practice replaces the finger poke with hi-tech equivalents such as voice mail and referral slips, but the result remains the same.

Q: Do all diagnostic procedures require pre-certification? A: No. Only those you need.

Q: I just joined a new HMO. How difficult will it be to choose the doctor I want? A: Just slightly more difficult than choosing your parents. Your insurer will provide you with a book listing all the doctors who were participating in the plan at the time the information was gathered. These doctors will fall into two basic categories: those who are no longer accepting new patients and those who will see you but are no longer part of the plan. But don't worry--the remaining doctor who is still in the plan and accepting new patients has an office just half a day's drive away.

Q: What are pre-existing conditions? A: This is a phrase used by the grammatically challenged when they want to talk about existing conditions. Unfortunately, we seem to be pre- stuck with it.

Q: Well, can I get coverage for my pre-existing conditions? A: Certainly. As long as they don't require any treatment.

Q: What happens if I want to try alternative forms of medicine? A: You'll need to find alternative forms of payment.

Q: I have an 80/20 plan with a $200 deductible and a $2,000 yearly cap. My insurer reimbursed the doctor for my outpatient surgery, but I'd already paid the bill. What should I do? A: You have two choices: your doctor can sign the reimbursement check over to you, or you can ask him to invest the money for you in one of those great offers that only doctors and dentists hear about, like windmill farms and frog hatcheries.

Q: What accounts for the largest portion of health care costs? A: Doctors trying to recoup their investment losses.

Q: What should I do if I get sick while traveling? A: Try sitting in a different part of the bus.

Q: No, I mean what if I'm away from home and I get sick? A: You really shouldn't do that. You'll have a hard time seeing your primary care physician. It's best to wait until you return, then get sick.

Q: I think I need to see a specialist, but my doctor insists he can handle my problem. Can a general practitioner really perform a heart transplant right in his office? A: Hard to say, but considering that all you're risking is the $10 co-payment, there's no harm in giving him a shot.

Q: My pharmacy only covers generic drugs, but I need the name brand. I tried the generic medication and it gave me a stomach ache. What should I do? A: Poke yourself in the eye.

Q: What will change if the government takes over health care? A: Your coverage will have the efficiency of the Post Office and the bedside manner of the Internal Revenue Service.

Q: Will health care be any different in the next century? A: No, but if you call right now, you might get an appointment by then.

================================== ACTUAL BUMPER STICKERS: ==================================

--------------------------------------------------------------------- I love cats ... they taste just like chicken --------------------------------------------------------------------- Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

--------------------------------------------------------------------- Cover me. I'm changing lanes. --------------------------------------------------------------------- As long as there are tests, there will be prayer in public schools --------------------------------------------------------------------- Happiness is a belt-fed weapon --------------------------------------------------------------------- Laugh alone and the world thinks you're an idiot. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Sometimes I wake up grumpy; Other times I let her sleep --------------------------------------------------------------------- I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather...Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car ... --------------------------------------------------------------------- Montana -- At least our cows are sane! --------------------------------------------------------------------- The gene pool could use a little chlorine. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Your kid may be an honor student but you're still an IDIOT! --------------------------------------------------------------------- My name is Cannon and I suck. --------------------------------------------------------------------- When you do a good deed, get a receipt, in case heaven is like the IRS. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I took an IQ test and the results were negative. --------------------------------------------------------------------- When there's a will, I want to be in it! --------------------------------------------------------------------- Okay, who stopped the payment on my reality check? --------------------------------------------------------------------- If we aren't supposed to eat animals, why are they made of meat?

--------------------------------------------------------------------- Time is the best teacher; Unfortunately it kills all its students! --------------------------------------------------------------------- It's lonely at the top, but you eat better. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Reality? That's where the pizza delivery guy comes from! --------------------------------------------------------------------- Forget about World Peace...Visualize Using Your Turn Signal ! --------------------------------------------------------------------- Warning: Dates in Calendar are closer than they appear. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Give me ambiguity or give me something else. --------------------------------------------------------------------- We are born naked, wet and hungry. Then things get worse. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Make it idiot proof and someone will make a better idiot. --------------------------------------------------------------------- He/She who laughs last thinks slowest --------------------------------------------------------------------- Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Consciousness: that annoying time between naps. --------------------------------------------------------------------- i souport publik edekasion --------------------------------------------------------------------- We are Microsoft. Resistance Is Futile. You Will Be Assimilated. --------------------------------------------------------------------- Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home. ---------------------------------------------------------------------

Why is "abbreviation" such a long word? --------------------------------------------------------------------- Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? --------------------------------------------------------------------- Diplomacy is the art of saying 'Nice doggie!'...till you can find a rock. --------------------------------------------------------------------- 2 + 2 =3D 5 for extremely large values of 2. --------------------------------------------------------------------- I like you, but I wouldn't want to see you working with subatomic particles.

==================================

A Briton, a Frenchman and a Russian are viewing a painting of Adam and Eve frolicking in the Garden of Eden.

"Look at their reserve, their calm," muses the Brit. "They must be British."

"Nonsense," the Frenchman disagrees. "They're naked, and so beautiful. Clearly, they are French."

"No clothes, no shelter," the Russian points out, "they have only an apple to eat, and they're being told this is paradise. They must be russian. ==================================

==================================

One day, two deputies in the Sheriff's Office answered an emergency call at a farmhouse. When they walked in, they found the nude bodies of a man and a woman in the bedroom. They had been shot to death.

When they went to the living room, they found the body of a man with a gun at his side.

"No doubt about it," one deputy said to the other. "This was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

"You're right," the other deputy replied. "Double murder and suicide. But I'll bet you when the sheriff gets here he's going to say 'it could have been worse."

"No way. How could it be worse? There are three people in the house, and all of them have been shot to death. It couldn't be worse. You're

on."

About that time, the old sheriff arrived at the scene. He walked into the bedroom and saw the two nude bodies. He then walked into the living room and saw the man on the floor with the gun by his side. "No doubt about it," the sheriff said, shaking his head. "It was a double murder and suicide. This guy came home and found his wife in bed with somebody else and shot them both. Then he shot himself."

After hesitating for a moment, the old sheriff looked his deputies squarely in the eyes. "But, you know," he said, "it could have been worse."

The deputy who had lost the bet jumped up and shouted, "Sheriff, how could it have been worse? There are three people in this farmhouse, and all three of them are dead. It couldn't have been worse??"

"Yes it could," the sheriff retorted. "You see that guy there on the floor? If he had come home yesterday, that would be me in there in that bed!"

==================================

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules. "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will incur a hefty fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this, a male student in the crowd inquires, "How much for a season pass?"

==================================

Three contractors were touring the white house on the same day. One was from New York, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida. At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living.

When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."

So to the back fence they went. First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."

Then the guard asks the New York contractor how much. Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."

The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"

"Easy" says the contractor from New York, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."

==================================

Even though a fellow was late for his flight, he dashed into the airport men's room, pissed, and quickly headed for the door. At one of the sinks a Marine sergeant was washing his hands.

The Leatherneck called to the man, "Hey, buddy, in the Marine Corps they teach us to wash our hands after going to the bathroom."

The fellow stepped back into the men's room and looked at the Marine.

"Well, I'm Navy, Sarge, and they teach us not to piss on our hands!"

==================================

The Queen of England was showing the Archbishop of Canterbury around the Royal Stables when one of the stallions close by farted so loudly it couldn't be ignored.

"Oh dear," said the Queen, "How embarrassing. I'm frightfully sorry about that."

"It's quite understandable," said the Archbishop, and after a moment added, "as a matter of fact I thought it was the horse." ==================================

==================================

A guy is getting ready to go out drinking when he sees his wife standing by the door with a suitcase. The wife says that if he comes home drunk and covered in vomit like he usually does, she is going to leave him. The guy says, don't worry, I'm only going to have a few tonight.

Sure enough, he goes to the bar, gets hammered and pukes on himself. He's really upset, crying and carrying on when the bartender asks what's wrong. The guy tells him that his wife is going to leave because he got drunk and puked on himself.

Bartender: This is easy. Get a fifty dollar bill and put it in your pocket. Tell your wife that the guy next to you puked on you, but gave you the money to dryclean your clothes.

Guy: That great! I think it just might work.

-At home -

Wife: That's it I outta here.

Guy: No! You don't understand, The guy next to me puked, it wasn't me. He even gave me fifty dollars to get my clothes cleaned.

Wife: Well, I don't know, let me see the money...What a minute, this is a hundred dollar bill!!

Guy: Oh yeah, he shit in my pants too.

==================================

A fella was in the market to buy some acreage. He found just what he was looking for, but it was a little expensive. During an inspection of the property, however, he found a hive of bees.

He told the owner that he was deathly afraid of bees, and there was no way he could consider this piece of land. The landowner assured him that the bees were completely harmless, but the buyer would have no part of it.

Finally, the landowner made an offer. The buyer would allow himself to be tied to a tree for an hour, nude, under the nest. So sure of the friendliness of his bees was the farmer that if ONE bee were to sting him,

the farm would be his for free. The buyer thought it over and decided it was worth the risk.

An hour later, the farmer walked out to the tree and saw the poor buyer slumped over in his bindings. Fearing the worst, he ran up to him and asked him if he had been stung.

The city fella looked up and weakly said, "No, but doesn't that calf have a mother?"

==================================

One gay guy is trying to convince the other gay guy that he's pregnant.

The second guy says, "Well, if you are pregnant, who's the father?"

The first guy says, "How the hell should I know? Do I have eyes in the back of my head?"

~~~You might work in an ER if..~~~

* You've ever had to contend with someone who thinks constipation for 4 hours is a medical emergency.

* You have four categories of patients; urgent, emergent, non-emergent, and S.I.O. (sleeping it off.)

* You've ever entered a patient's chief complaint as "I'm drunk."

* You refer to motorcyclists as "organ donors."

* You've ever had a patient with a nose-ring tell you "I'm afraid of shots."

* You stare at someone in utter disbelief when he or she actually covers his or her mouth when coughing.

* You've ever thought "as long as he's got a pulse, I won't worry about that rhythm."

* You've ever referred to a body bag as a "To Go" bag.

* You can identify the "P.I.D. shuffle" at a distance of 15 feet and the "Kidney Stone Squirm" at 20.

* You've identified the ULTIMATE Cruel Practical Joke; (get someone drunk, then take them to the ER and announce that they've overdosed on "some kind of pills" just prior to arrival.)

* You think of chocolate, coffee, Coca-Cola and the cafeteria's frozen yogurt when anyone mentions the 4 food groups.

* You've ever heard the radio report from the ambulance and sadly put the morgue bag on the cart before the patient arrives.

* You think that the announcement of an impending arrival in 5 minutes of two adults in a serious MVA on back boards with sirens on and anxiety at level 10 would be a great opportunity to eat lunch... (and you know that this is more time than you usually get.)

* You have ever heard triage nurse first ask, "Is it urgent?" when interrupted from the first break in hours.

* You feel that you can diagnose passersby at the mall based on physical presentation.

* You don't have to ask "frequent flyers" any medical history questions because you can fill it out from memory.

* You can keep a straight face as the patient responds "I just had two beers."

* You automatically multiply by 3 the number of drinks they claim to have daily.

* You give the local drunks tips on where to sleep so they (and you) won't be disurbed by a return visit.

==================================

A nursery school teacher says to her class, "Who can use the word 'definitely' in a sentence?"

First little girl says, "The sky is definitely blue." The teacher says, "Sorry Amy, but the sky can be grey, or orange depending on the weather."

Second, a little boy says, "Trees are definitely green." "Sorry, but in the autumn many trees are brown or gold," said the teacher.

Little Johnny, from the back of the class, stands up and asks, "Does a fart have lumps?" The teacher looks horrified and says..."Johnny! That;s disgusting. Of course not!!!" "OK... then I have DEFINITELY shit my pants," said Johnny.

==================================

Woman goes to a tatoo artist..and asks if he can do holiday tatoos' The man said sure...what do you have in mind. She says."well...I'd like a turkey and a christmas tree." The tattoo artist...Lets just call him Fred for typings sake..said "ok..I can do that ..no problem." the woman..hmmm Let's call her err..Gertie..hahahhah says Ok..I'd like the turkey on my inner right thigh, and the tree on my inner left thigh." When Fred gets done, he says..."mind if I ask you why?" Gertie answers," My husband always complains there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas."

==================================

A man enters a bar and asks for 6 large Whiskey, he drinks them fast and the bartender asks him, "are we celebrating something?", the man answers "I had my first blowjob tonight","Ohh let me give you one on the house says the bartender", "Don't bother says the man, if 6 can't take the taste, nothing will".......

==================================

"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.

"No thank you." the gentleman replied. "That will be all."

As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife ?" he asked.

"Yeah ! That's a good idea." the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

==================================

A lady is touring the zoo when she notices the gorilla playing with himself. She's astonished to see that he's at least 15 inches long. As she leans

forward for a closer look, the gorilla grabs her, pulls her through the bars of the cage and begins to hump her mercilessly. After about an hour of this, the zoo wardens finally are able to subdue the animal long enough to get the woman out.

3 days later, in the hospital, her girlfriend stops by to see how she's doing. "Are you hurt bad?" she asks. The woman replies, "Hurt?, HURT? He doesn't call, doesn't write..."

==================================

There was this man in a mental hospital. All day he would put his ear to the wall and listen. The doctor would watch this guy do this day after day. So the doctor finally decided to see what the guy was listening to, so he put his ear up to the wall and listened. He heard nothing. So he turned to the mental patient and said, "I don't hear anything."

The mental patient said, "Yeah, I know. It's been like that for months!"

==================================

Judi and her friend Jill decided to have their picture taken and went to the photographer. The process was totally new to Judi, so she kept asking Jill questions.

"What's he doing now?"

"He's going to pull down the backdrop."

"What's he doing now?"

"He's going to set up the camera."

"What's he doing now?"

"He's going to focus."

"What! Both of us?"

==================================

Two five year old boys are standing at the potty to pee.

One says, "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!"

"I' ve been circumcised." the other one says.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My Mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?"

"You bet it hurt, I couldn't walk for a year!"

==================================

Did you hear about the Irish electrician who was called into the local prison to fix the electric chair? After about 2 hours in there he came out and said "Blimey, I'm not touching that thing, it's a fucking deathtrap!!"

==================================

A Greyhound bus full of senior gamblers is wheeling down the freeway, returning celebrants from two days in Las Vegas. A gal passenger comes forward and complains loudly to the driver that some male creep is crawling along the floor and has had the temerity to fondle her. The driver tells her he'll stop as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

As the driver's searching for a good spot to pull over, another female passenger comes forward, complaining of being fondled, too. Well, to the driver's mind, this constitutes an emergency, so he immediately pulls over onto the shoulder and brings the bus to a screeching halt. He proceeds to go back to find the culprit and spies this little baldheaded guy crawling on all fours along the floor of the bus. He confronts the guy and asks him what he's doing on the floor.

"Well," replies the little glass-domed fellow, "I lost my toupee a few miles back and I thought I'd found it twice until I realized mine's parted on the side."

==================================

One Day, three women died and went to heaven. Before these women were allowed into heaven through the mighty gates, they must each answer one question and the angel would open the doors.

The first woman was asked, "Who was the first woman on Earth" and the woman immediatly replied "Eve" and the angel unlocked the doors and let the woman through.

The second women was asked "Who was the first man on Earth" and the woman thought for a moment and said "Adam" and the angel unlocked the doors and let the woman through.

The third women was asked "what was the first thing eve said to adam on Earth" the woman thought for a long time. "hmmm... thats a hard one" she said and the angel unlocked the doors and let the woman through.

================================== Albert Einstein Quotes ==================================

On Knowledge

- "Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius -- and a lot of courage -- to move in the opposite direction."

- "Imagination is more important than knowledge."

- "The only real valuable thing is intuition."

- "Everything should be made as simple as possible, but not simpler."

- "Common sense is the collection of prejudices acquired by age eighteen."

- "The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources." - "The only thing that interferes with my learning is my education." - "The important thing is not to stop questioning. Curiosity has its own reason for existing."

His Understanding of the World:

- "I want to know God's thoughts; the rest are details."

- "The hardest thing in the world to understand is the income tax."

- "I am convinced that He (God) does not play dice."

- "The eternal mystery of the world is its comprehensibility."

- "Weakness of attitude becomes weakness of character."

- "Science without religion is lame. Religion without science is blind."

- "Peace cannot be kept by force. It can only be achieved by understanding."

- "The most incomprehensible thing about the world is that it is comprehensible."

- "Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I'm not sure about the the universe."

- "Whoever undertakes to set himself up as a judge of Truth and Knowledge is shipwrecked by the laughter of the gods."

- "I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones."

- "In order to form an immaculate member of a flock of sheep one must, above all, be a sheep."

- "Not everything that counts can be counted, and not everything that can be counted counts." (Sign hanging in Einstein's office at Princeton)

On People and Life:

- "Reality is merely an illusion, albeit a very persistent one."

- "A person starts to live when he can live outside himself."

- "I never think of the future. It comes soon enough."

- "Sometimes one pays most for the things one gets for nothing."

- "Anyone who has never made a mistake has never tried anything new."

- "Great spirits have often encountered violent opposition from weak minds."

- "Gravitation is not responsible for people falling in love."

- "No, this trick won't work...How on earth are you ever going to explain in terms of chemistry and physics so important a biological phenomenon as first love?"

- "My religion consists of a humble admiration of the illimitable superior spirit who reveals himself in the slight details we are able to perceive with our frail and feeble mind."

- "The release of atom power has changed everything except our way of thinking...the solution to this problem lies in the heart of mankind. If only I had known, I should have become a watchmaker."

- "Great spirits have always found violent opposition from mediocrities. The latter cannot understand it when a man does not thoughtlessly submit to hereditary prejudices but honestly and courageously uses his intelligence."

- "The most beautiful thing we can experience is the mysterious. It is the source of all true art and all science. He to whom this emotion is a stranger, who can no longer pause to wonder and stand rapt in awe, is as good as dead: his eyes are closed."

- "Now he has departed from this strange world a little ahead of me. That means nothing. People like us, who believe in physics, know that the distinction between past, present, and future is only a stubbornly persistent illusion."

- "You see, wire telegraph is a kind of a very, very long cat. You pull his tail in New York and his head is meowing in Los Angeles. Do you understand this? And radio operates exactly the same way: you send signals here, they receive them there. The only difference is that there is no cat."

- "A human being is a part of a whole, called by us _universe_, a part limited in time and space. He experiences himself, his thoughts and feelings as something separated from the rest... a kind of optical delusion of his consciousness. This delusion is a kind of prison for us, restricting us to our personal desires and to affection for a few persons nearest to us. Our task must be to free ourselves from this prison by widening our circle of compassion to embrace all living creatures and the whole of nature in its beauty."

On Math and Science and Education:

- "Science is a wonderful thing if one does not have to earn one's living at it."

- "God does not care about our mathematical difficulties. He integrates empirically."

- "The whole of science is nothing more than a refinement of everyday thinking."

- "Technological progress is like an axe in the hands of a pathological criminal."

- "We can't solve problems by using the same kind of thinking we used when we created them."

- "Education is what remains after one has forgotten everything he learned in school."

- "Do not worry about your difficulties in Mathematics. I can assure you mine are still greater."

- "Equations are more important to me, because politics is for the present, but an equation is something for eternity."

- "If A is a success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut."

- "As far as the laws of mathematics refer to reality, they are not certain, as far as they are certain, they do not refer to reality."

- "Yes, we have to divide up our time like that, between our politics and our equations. But to me our equations are far more important, for politics are only a matter of present concern. A mathematical equation stands forever."

- "...one of the strongest motives that lead men to art and science is escape from everyday life with its painful crudity and hopeless dreariness, from the fetters of one's own ever-shifting desires. A finely tempered nature longs to escape from the personal life into the world of objective perception and thought."

- "Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT'S relativity."

================================== Do The Math!!! ==================================

A 54 year old accountant leaves a letter for his wife one Friday evening and read's:

Dear Wife (that's what he called her) I am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Grand Hotel with my beautiful and sexy 18 year old secretary.

When he arrived at the hotel there was a letter waiting for him as follows:

Dear Husband (that's what she called him) I too am 54 and by the time you receive this letter I will be at the Hilton Hotel with my handsome and virile 18 year old toy boy. You being an accountant will therefore appreciate that 18 goes into 54 many many more times than 54 goes into 18!!!!

================================== A Day at the Races ==================================

Horses in the race are: 1. Passionate Lady 6. Clean Sheets 2. Bare Belly 7. Thighs 3. Silk Panties 8. Big Johnson 4. Conscience 9. Heavy Bosum 5. Jockey Shorts 10. Merry Cherry

At the Post

They're off! Conscience is left behind at the post. Jockey Shorts and Silk Panties are off in a hurry. Heavy Bosum is being pressured. Passionate lady is caught between Thighs and Big Johnson in a very tight spot.

At the Halfway Mark

It's Bare Belly on top. Thighs opens up and Big Johnson is pressed in. Heavy Bosum is being pushed hard against Clean Sheets. Passionate Lady and Thighs are working hard on Bare Belly. Bare Belly is under terrific pressure from Big Johnson.

At The Stretch

Merry Cherry cracks under the strain. Big Johnson is making a final drive. Passionate Lady is coming.

At The Finish

Its Big Johnson giving everything he's got and Passionate Lady takes everything Big Johnson has to offer. It looks like a dead heat but Bi gJohnson squirts through and wins by a head. Heavy Bosum weakens and Thighs pullup. Clean Sheets never had a chance.........

==================================