HOW TO COOK A TURKEY
Step 1: Go buy a turkey
Step 2: Take a drink of whiskey (scotch) OR JD
Step 3: Put turkey in the oven
Step 4: Take another 2 drinks of whiskey
Step 5: Set the degree at 375 ovens
Step 6: Take 3 more whiskeys of drink
Step 7: Turn oven the on
Step 8: Take 4 whisks of drinky
Step 9: Turk the bastey
Step 10: Whiskey another bottle of get
Step 11: Stick a turkey in the thermometer
Step 12: Glass yourself a pour of whiskey
Step 13: Bake the whiskey for 4 hours
Step 14: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 15: Take the oven out of the turkey
Step 16: Floor the turkey up off of the pick
Step 17: Turk the carvey
Step 18: Get yourself another scottle of botch
Step 19: Tet the sable and pour yourself a glass of turkey
Step 20: Bless the saying, pass and eat out
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Two gentlemen were discussing the prospects of "looming" retirement. While one guy had lots of hobbies, the other fellow had no hobbies, and was rather concerned about being set loose with nothing to do. The first guy suggested his friend go visit his kids. The man said, "Well, I only have two kids, but I could buy a motor home and go visit my brothers and sisters, that would take about a year." The first guy looked a bit puzzled, so his friend said, "I'm one of eighteen kids in my family." The first fellow's eyes got rather large, contemplating eighteen children, so the man volunteered to explain. "The problem was, my mother was hard of hearing." Puzzlement. Smile. "My Mom & Dad would go to bed at night, and my Dad would ask, 'Do you want to go to sleep, or what?' and my Mom would say, "What?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------
A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. Dad picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered he asks, "Can I speak to Alf, please?" "No! There's no one called Alf here." The person hangs up. "That's irritation," says Dad. He picks up the phone again, dials the same number and asks for Alf a second time. "No -- there's no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police." End of conversation. "That's aggravation." "Then what's 'frustration'?" asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials a third time: "Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ ------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two storks are sitting in their nest: a father stork and baby stork. Baby stork is crying and crying and father stork is trying to calm him. "Don't worry, son. Your mother will come back. She's only bringing people babies and making them happy." The next night, it's father's turn to do the job. Mother and son are sitting in the nest, son is crying, and mother is saying "Son, your father will be back as soon as possible, but now he's bringing joy to new mommies and daddies." A few days later, the stork parents are desperate. Their son is absent from the nest all night! Shortly before dawn, he returns and the parents ask him where he's been all night. Says the baby stork, "Nowhere. Just scaring the *shit* out of college students!" ------------------------------------------------------------------------ The penalty for bigamy is two wives
------------------------------------------------------------------------ A crusty old man walks into a bank and says to the teller at the window, "I want to open a damn checking account." To which the astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir; I must have misunderstood you. What did you say?" "Listen up, damn it. I said I want to open a damn checking account right now !" "I'm very sorry sir, but we do not tolerate that kind of
language in this bank." So saying, the teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to tell him about her situation. They both return and the manager asks the old geezer, "What seems to be the problem here?" "There's no damn problem," the man says, "I just won 50 million bucks in the damn lottery and I want to open a damn checking account in this damn bank!" "I see," says the manager, "and this bitch is giving you a hard time?"
------------------------------------------------------------------------ Two Texans were seated at the end of a bar when a young lady seated a few stools up began to choke on a piece of hamburger. She was turning blue and obviously in serious respiratory distress. One Texan said to the other, "That there gal is having a bad time!" The other agreed and said, "Think we should go help?" "You bet," said the first, and with that he ran over and said, "Can you breathe?" She shook her head no. He said, "Can you speak?" Again, she shook her head no. With that, he pulled up her skirt and licked her on the cheek. So shocked was the young woman that she coughed up the obstruction and began to breathe. After sitting back by his friend, the Texan, "Funny how that "hind-lick" maneuver always works."
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A man was walking through a forest pondering life. He walked, pondered, walked, and pondered. He felt very close to nature and even close to God. He felt so close to God that he felt if he spoke God would listen. So he asked, "God, are you listening?" And God replied, "Yes my son, I am here." The man stopped and pondered some more. He looked towards the sky and said, "God, what is a million years to you?" God replied, "Well my son, a second to me is like a million years to you." So the man continued to walk and to ponder... walk and ponder...Then he looked to the sky again and said, "God, what is a million dollars to you?" And God replied, "My son, my son...a penny to me is like a million dollars to you. It means almost nothing to me. It does not even have a value it is so little." The man looked down, pondered a bit and then looked up to the sky and said, "God, can I have a million dollars?" And God replied, "In a second." ------------------------------------------------------------------------
Men's Jokes
Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
What should you give a man who has everything? A woman to show him how to work it.
Why do female black widow spiders kill their mates after mating? To stop the snoring before it starts.
Why don't men have mid-life crises? They're stuck in adolescence.
How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys 2 cases of beer instead of one.
How is Colonel Sanders like the typical man ? All he's concerned with is legs, breasts, and thighs.
How is being at a singles bar different than being at the circus? At the circus, the clowns don't talk.
What makes men chase women who they have no intention of marrying? The same instinct that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention to drive.
What do you do with a bachelor who thinks he's God's gift to women? Exchange him.
Why do bachelors like smart women? Opposites attract.
How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes.
What is the thinnest book in the world? What men know about women.
What is the difference between men and government bonds? The bonds mature. Eventually.
How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off of his neck.
Why are blonde jokes so short? So men can remember them.
What do men and beer bottles have in common? They're both empty from the neck up.
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper? We don't know, it has never happened.
Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking? They all already have boyfriends.
What do you call a man with 1/2 a brain? Gifted ------------------------------------------------------------------------
PROFESSOR: Although in modern English the double negative is usually taken to mean an affirmative, in many linguistic contexts the double negative is an intensified negative, as the double affirmative is ALWAYS an intensified affirmative. There is no known case of a double affirmative being used as a negative.
STUDENT: Yeah, right. ------------------------------------------------------------------------
A tired traveler pulls into a hotel around midnight. Very tired after a long day's trip he asks the clerk for a single room. As the clerk fills out the paperwork, the man looks around and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting in the lobby. He tells the clerk to wait while he disappears into the lobby. After a minute he comes back, with the girl on his arm. "Fancy meeting my 'wife' here," he says to the clerk. "Guess I'll need a double room for the night." The next morning, he comes to settle his bill, and finds the amount to be over $3000. "What's the meaning of this?" he yells at the clerk. "I've only been here for one night!" "Yes," says the clerk, "but your 'wife' has been here for three weeks!"
------------------------------------------------------------------------ An elderly couple, still very loving after all these years, is shocked when the woman's doctor says she has a heart condition that could kill her at any time. She is to avoid stress, eat right, and never, EVER have sex again the strain would be too much. The couple reluctantly try to live by these rules. Both get really horny over time, however, and the husband decides he'd better sleep downstairs on the couch to guard against temptation. This works for a few weeks, until late one night when they meet each other on the stairs - she's coming downstairs, he's heading up. "Honey, I have a confession to make," the woman says, her voice quavering. "I was about to commit suicide." "I'm glad to hear it, sweetie," the man says, "because I was just coming upstairs to kill you!"
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A Catholic minister went into deepest Africa in an attempt to work with and convert the tribe to the Catholic religion. He wasn't able to speak the language very well, so he hired a member of the tribe to help translate what he wanted to say to the tribe. He asked for and received permission from the Chief of the tribe, to speak to the whole tribal population at once. He got up on a very large boulder that overlooked the central area of the tribal village. As he spoke, his translator was by his side on the boulder, and he translated all that the minister was saying.
"If you let me- I will show you howto dig in the ground and get good water to drink and cook with". "Hoon-gow-wa!" was the largeresponse from the tribespeople. /"I can show you how you can capture | animals without leaving your village".
"Hoon-gow-wa" shouted all the tribe!! (By this time-the minister was veryhappy with his effort) And if you will let me- I will show you a way to make peace with the othertribes that are trying to take yourland and your women". "HOON-GOW-WA" was the enormous response, that was so loud, that it scared away thewild| birds in the nearby trees! This was the end of his talk and he was a large feast and much dancing. The minister was well received by the tribe-indeed! Later that afternoon, the translator came up to the ministerand said "The Chief of our people said | that you have given him much joy. As a sign of his appreciation, he would like to take you on a tour of animals and tribal land"Well, the Minister was absolutelydelighted at the acceptance that he jgs had been shown! He thanked the Chief and told him that he felt honored by the Chief's offer. So the Chief, Minister, translator, and four warriors went walking through the small kingdom. As the Chief gave the minister the guided tour, the translator explained the different places that the Chief was showing the minister. He was shown a large sparkling stream-that was their water source. They all walked up a steep knoll that overlooked a large area that was bountiful in deer and elk- that was the meat supply. Then after another hour of walking, the party came on a very large lush green pasture that looked to have about a 100 cows (to the best guess of the Minister), the Chief said something to the translator and pointed, and the Minister asked "What did he say?"
"My Chief tells you to watch your step on this path, and to be careful not to step in the Hoon-Gow-Wa". ------------------------------------------------------------------------
There Once was Once there was a farmer who a farmer... couldn't distinguish between (his 2 horses. Since he didn't ,know what to do he asked his ,neighbor for an advice. "Why don't you trim the tail of one of the horses", advised the neighbor."You are a very clever man", said the farmer. ) For a couple of months it was all right, but then the tail grew back to its normal size. "You'd better trim the mane `'of one of the horses", advised `'" again the neighbor. For another couple of months it was ok, but then the mane grew back. "I think the best thing to do is to look for something characteristic that doesn't vary with the time, like the height of the horses", said the neighbor. "You are a very wise man, I'll measure it and tell you about it." After a few hours the farmer returned to his neighbor:
"You were perfectly right, I've measured their height and indeed the white horse is 3 inches taller than the black one."
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A husband and wife are on a nudist beach when suddenly a wasp buzzes into the wife's business end. Naturally enough, she panics. The husband is also quite shaken but manages to put a coat on her, pull up his shorts and carries her to the car. Then he makes a mad dash to the doctor. The doctor, after examining her, says that the wasp is too far in to remove with forceps so he says to the husband that he will have to try and entice it put by putting honey on his dick and withdrawing as soon as he feels the wasp. And so the honey is smeared, but because of his wife's screaming and his frantic dash to the doctor and the general panic, he just can't rise to the occasion. So the doctor says he'll perform the deed if the husband and wife don't object. Naturally both agree for fear the wasp will do any damage, so the doctor quickly undresses, smears the honey on and instantly gets an erection, at which time he begins to plug the wife. Only he doesn't stop
and withdraw but continues with vigor. The husband shouts, "What the ell's happening?" To which the doctor replies, "Change of plan. I'm going to drown the bastard!"
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A young lady wished her mother to go to the shop for her to purchase some feminine necessities. Her mother suggested to her that it was about time that she was able to purchase these for herself. In fact, she said that she would give her daughter a shopping list so that she could hide the product in the shopping. After much discussion and persuasion her daughter set off for the shop. At the shop she avoided the particular aisle until the trolley was almost full. She then picked the item off the shelf and pushed it to the bottom of the trolley. Having successfully negotiated the aisles, there was nothing left for it but to brave the checkouts and try to get out of the shop unscathed. The queue seemed interminably long. Finally she piled the groceries on to the counter, carefully concealing the offending item. Two old ladies had already lined up behind her and were busy studying her little pile disapprovingly. Each item was picked up, turned over, and the price rung up on the register. Finally the little blue packet remained alone, unclaimed on the counter. The girl by now was staring into the background, when that terrible sound rang out, 'Price check register four, 24 Tampax Regular!' She begged for the ground to swallow her up, but alas, she remained there transfixed. A tall, scrawny boy walked helpfully up to the checkout. He asked earnestly: 'Do you mean the ones you push in with your thumb or the ones you bang in with a hammer?' As the words left his lips, emotion welled up and threatened to choke her. She let out a shriek and ran from the store. The young man stood staring at the two spluttering old ladies as the checkout attendant chided him 'Tampax! Tampax! Not thumbtacks, you idiot!'
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A BAD DAY It got crowded in Heaven, so it was decided only to accept people who had a really bad day on the day they died. On the first morning that the policy was employed, St. Peter was standing at the pearly gates and said to the first man in line, "Tell me about the day you died." The man said, "Oh, it was awful. I was sure my wife was having an affair, so I came home early from work to catch her in the act. I searched all over the apartment and couldn't find him anywhere. So, finally, I went out onto the balcony(we live on the 25th floor) and found this man hanging over the edge by his fingertips. So, I went inside and got a hammer and started hitting his hands. He fell, of course, but he landed in some bushes and lived, so I went inside, got the refrigerator and pushed it over the balcony and crushed him. The strain of my actions gave me a heart attack and I died." St. Peter could not deny that this was a bad day indeed and it was a crime of passion, so he let the man enter Heaven. He then asked the next man in line about the day he died. "Well Sir, it was just awful. I was doing aerobics on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment when I slipped over the edge. I managed to grab the balcony of the apartment beneath me, but then some maniac came out and started pounding my fingers with a hammer! I fell, of course, but landed in some bushes and lived. But then he came out and dropped a refrigerator on me, so I died." St. Peter chuckled a bit and let him into Heaven. He decided he could really start to enjoy this job. "Tell me about the day you died" he said to the third man in line. "Okay, picture this, I'm naked and hiding inside a refrigerator..."
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