Rene, the French Fighter Pilot

Rene, the French Fighter Pilot is making out with his girlfriend. All of a sudden, while they were kissing, he grabs a glass of red wine, and splashes it over her thick re d lips. "Rene, Rene, what are you doing?" she asks, a little shocked. "I am Rene, ze French Fighter Pi lot," replies Rene, and when I kiss ze red meat, I like it wiz red wine." She thinks this is a little weird, but nevertheless they go on.

After a while she says to him, "Oh, Rene, kiss me lower." So Rene, pulls open her shirt, and starts kissing her chest. Suddenly, he picks up a glass of white wine and splas hes it all over her. "Rene, Rene have you gone mad? What are you doing?" she asks him. To which he r eplies, "I am Rene, ze French Fighter Pilot, and when I have ze white meat I like to have it wi z ze white wine." "Oh, well," she replies, and they continue.

After a little more kissing and fondling, she looks at him and says with a smirk, "Oh, Rene, kiss me even lower than that!" So Rene grabs a glass of brandy, splashes it all over her crotch, and lights it with a match. "Aaaargh! Rene, are you crazy? What are you DOING?" she sc reams at him, appalled, "I am Rene, ze French Fighter Pilot, and when I go down, I go down in flames!"

=========================================================

Six reasons computers must be female.....

6. As soon as you have one, a better one is just around the corner. 5. No one but their creator understands their internal logic. 4. Even your smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory fo r future reference. 3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is in comprehensible to everyone else. 2. The message "Bad command or file name" is about as informative as: if you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you. 1. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spendin g half your paycheck on accessories for it.

=========================================================

How to get ahead in the workplace

Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you'r e waiting for your document.

Arrive at a meeting late, say you're sorry, but you didn't have time for lunch, and you're going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 entire raw p otatoes.

Insist that your e-mail address be "zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname. com"

Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fr ies with that.

Send email to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate abo ut the direction of one of your company's products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to se ttle the disagreement.

Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice.)

Name all your pens and insist that meetings can't begin until they're all present.

Put a picture of your mother on your business card.

Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Alwa ys wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)

Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by th ese names. "That's a good point Sparky." "No I'm sorry I'm going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi."

Suggest that beer be put in the soda machine.

Include a piece of your children's artwork as a cover page for all re ports that you write. (If you don't have children, draw stick figures yourself.)

Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald's Playland. Charge everyone $15 each.

Send email to the rest of the company telling them what you're doing. For example "If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathroom."

No matter what anyone asks you, reply "Okay."

Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it "IN."

Plant a hedge around your cubicle.

Grow mold in your coffee cup.

Build models of the Seven Wonders of the World using empty soda cans.

When in conversation, no matter where you are in the office, mutter, "I think my phone is ringing" and leave. Go get a coffee.

Determine how many cups of coffee is "too many."

Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

Compose all your e-mail in rhyming couplets.

Install a set of buttons and lights in the arm of your chair. Talk in to your daytimer.

Highlight your shoes. Tell people that you haven't lost your shoes si nce you did this.

Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.

Include a personal note on every email you send. "On a personal note, I'm feeling a bit tired and grumpy today." "On a personal note, I'm pleased to announce that I go t my highest score ever on Tetris last night."

Bring in dishes that you tried to cook but didn't turn out quite righ t as special treats for your co-workers.

Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.

Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge . Try to pass them off as your children.

For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.

Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts etc... in the lun chroom, when people complain that there was none... Just lean back, pat your stomach, and say, "Oh you've got to be faster than that." See how long it takes until the last person stops believing you. Then start planting pizzas.

Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten ov er their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.