Golfing Pals

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but didn't have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one. "I sure do," he replied and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a 12-inch BIC lighter.

"Wow!" said his friend, "where did get you that monster?"

"I got it from my genie."

"You have a genie?" he asked.

"Yes, he's right here in my golf bag."

"Could I see him?" He opens his golf bag and out pops the genie.

The friend says, "I'm a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?" "Yes I will," the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into the golf bag and leaves him standing there waiting for his million bucks.

Suddenly the sky begins to darken and the sound of a million ducks flying overhead is heard.

The friend tells his golfing partner, "I asked for a million bucks, not ducks!"

He answers, "I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 12-inch BIC?"

*** Golfers A man had to go to a strange town to be the guest speaker at a business meeting. When he arrived at the Motel in town, he found that he had a lot of time before the meeting. He asked the clerk where the nearest golf course was and was given directions on how to get there.

While playing on the front nine, he was going over the speech in his mind and became confused as to where he was on the course. Looking around he saw a Lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and told her about his big meeting and the speech he was to make and his confusion about where he was on the course, asked her if she knew what hole he was playing. She replied " I'm on the 7th hole and you are a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole". He thanked her and went back to his golf. On the back nine the same thing happened. And he approached her again with the same request. She said "I'm on the 14th, you are a hole behind me, So you must be on the 13th". Once again he thanked her and returned to his play. He finished his round and went into the club house where he saw the Lady sitting at the end of the bar. He asked the bartender if he knew the Lady. The bartender said that she was a sales lady and played the course often. He approached her and said "let me buy you a drink to show my appreciation for your help. I understand that you are a sales lady, well I am in sales also. What do you sell"? She replied, "if I told you, you would only laugh". "No I wouldn't", he said and persisted that she tell him what she sold. "Well if you must know", she answered, "I sell Tampax".

With that, he fell on the floor and laughed so hard he almost lost his breath. She said "see I knew you would laugh". "That's not what I'm laughing at" he replied, "I'm a toilet paper salesman, so I'm still a hole behind you"! *** Hole In One? A Texas business man, while in Japan for some business meetings and a few rounds of golf, arrived in Tokyo a day earlier than expected. Feeling lonely that evening, he employed the services of a beautiful young Japanese girl to be his companion for the evening. Although the Japanese girl spoke very little English and the businessman spoke no Japanese, their passion roared and in the heat of the moment she began yelling "Gama Su!, Gama Su!".

Hearing this, the Texan knew he had pleased his female Japanese friend and soon afterwards went to sleep. The next day while playing golf with his Japanese business colleagues, one of his Japanese partners holed his shot from 170 yards away!

Everyone went crazy and began yelling excitedly in Japanese. Wanting to impress his friends, the Texan joined in and began yelling, "Gama Su! Gama Su!" Suddenly everyone became quiet.

After a moment of silence, one of the Japanese turned to him and asked "Wrong hole? What do you mean wrong hole?" Golf Fairy A golfer, named Howard, was out on the greens by himself. Makes a beautiful shot, by golly, a hole in one !! As he stooped to retrieve his ball from the cup, a tiny man hopped out, "I am the hole-in-one fairy. I will grant you one wish as a reward."

Howard thought for a moment, "If this is for real, I would like it if I had a longer dick." "Your wish shall be granted," replied the little man as he disappeared.

Howard finished out the course and hurried home to check himself out. There was no change. After dinner, getting ready for bed, Howard checked again, hewas still his small self. The next morning as he was getting ready to go to work, he realized his penis was at least two inches longer! "Wow," he thought to himself, "..am I going to surprise my wife tonight."

That night, returning home from work, he rushed into the kitchen and took his wife, and as he did so, his dick grew another inch or so, satisfying his wife beyond her dreams.

The next day his manhood had grown another four inches, and each day it grew longer and longer. It was getting difficult to hide it. He was tucking it in his sock by now. Finally he knew had to do something. He got out his golf bag and headed for the country club, went right to the 15th tee where his miracle had happened and began hitting ball after ball, trying to make another hole in one.

For hours and hours, Howard kept smacking the balls, and finally he did it. He rushed up to the cup, and sure enough out popped the little man. "I am the hole-in-one fairy, I will grant you one wish."

"Yeah, yeah, " replied Howard, "I know who you are -- I was here two weeks ago and I asked for a longer dick."

"Ah, yes, I remember you now, how's it going?" asked the little fairy.

"Well," said Howard, " it's great, my wife loves it. But it is still growing - it's nearly dragging the ground now so I want to ask you if you ---"

"You want me to shorten it a bit?" interrupted the fairy.

"Oh, no, no,no," said Howard, "... couldn't you just make my legs longer?" *** The Rules of Bedroom Golf

1.Each Player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2.Play on a course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3.Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out of the hole.

4.For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check for shaft stiffness before play begins.

5.Course owners reserve the right to restrict the length of the club to avoid damage to the hole.

6.The object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the course owner is satisfied and the play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play the course again.

7.It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole upon arrival at the course. The experienced player will normally take time to admire the entire course, with special attention to well formed bunkers.

8.Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset course owners have been known to damage a player's equipment for the season.

9.Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear along just in case.

10.Players should assure themselves that their match has been properly scheduled, particularly when a new course is being played for the first time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else playing what they consider to be a private course.

11.Players should not assume a course is in shape for play at all times. Some players may be embarrassed if they find the course to be temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

12.Players are advised to obtain the course owners permission before attempting to play the back nine.

13.Slow play is encouraged; however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace, at least temporarily, at the course owner's request.

14.It is considered outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match.

15.The course owner will be the judge of who is the best player.

16.Players are advised to think twice before considering membership at a given course. Additional assessments may be levied by the course owner and the rules are subject to change. For this reason, many players prefer to continue play at several different courses.

*** Golf:

A five mile walk punctuated with disappointments. There's no game like golf: you go out with three friends, play eighteen holes, and return with three enemies. Golf got its name because all of the other four letter words were taken. *** Some Thoughts on Golf...

In primitive society, when native tribes beat the ground with clubs and yelled, it was called witchcraft; today, in civilized society, it is called golf. The man who takes up golf to get his mind off his work soon takes up work to get his mind off golf. Golf was once a rich man's sport, but now it has millions of poor players! Golf is an expensive way of playing marbles. The secret of good golf is to hit the ball hard, straight and not too often. There are three ways to improve your golf game: take lessons, practice constantly -- or start cheating. An amateur golfer is one who addresses the ball twice - once before swinging, and once again, after swinging. Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because it cannot count, criticize or laugh. Golf is a game in which the slowest people in the world are those in front of you, and the fastest are those behind.

The Compassionate Golfer

Kim and his buddies where playing a big round of golf for $200. At the eighteenth green, Kim had a ten foot putt to win the round, and the $200. As he was lining up his putt, a funeral procession started to pass by. Kim set down his putter, took his hat off, placed it over his chest, and began to wait for the funeral procession to pass. After it passed, he picked up his putter and returned to lining up his putt.

One of his buddies said, "That was the most touching thing I have ever seen. I can't believe you stopped playing, possibly loosing your concentration, to pay your respects."

"Well, we were married for 25 years." ***