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Useless Facts
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A "noggin" is also a half a cupful of whatever.

Q. How does a lobster breathe?
A. Takes in water through its legs, lets it out through
its head. Odd, but not to the lobster, who thinks we
breathe funny maybe.

Q. What makes an "infant" different from a "baby"?
A. "Infancy" comes from the Latin for "without language,"
so a baby is only an infant until it starts to talk.

Don't you think "Cinnamon" -- it's bark -- is a good name
for a puppy?

Q. There are six classes of musical instruments:
"string," "woodwind," "brass," "percussion," "keyboard"
and "other." In which is the harmonica?
A. "Other."

The Omaha Herald in 1877 printed this advisory to
passengers of stage coaches: "Spit on the leeward side."

Medical records contain accounts of women who've given
themselves cesarean sections and men who've given
themselves appendectomies.

Q. "Why do city dogs live longer, statistically, than
country dogs?"
A. Small dogs live longer than large dogs, and city dogs
tend to be of the smaller variety.

Q. What's the difference between a pie and a tart?
A. The tart is openfaced.

A mother's observation: "My son has to be pushed into the
bathroom, and dragged out of the pool. My daughter has to
be dragged out of the bathroom, and pushed into the
pool."

You're always in the exact center of the rainbow you see.
This is not just philosophical, it's scientifically
accurate.

"Ukraine" means "frontier." You know the religious
denomination there that's growing fastest? Baptist.

Takes a newborn chameleon a couple of weeks to change
colors to match backgrounds. It's born white.

Yes, deer will eat meat. So will rabbits.

Lot of animals have hands, sort of. And can hold them out
flat. But only humans can turn the palms of the
outstretched hands up then down or down then up.

Only before its first meal of the day can the electric
eel zap out that 640 volts.

The "Second" avenues nationwide outnumber the "First"
avenues.

Q. How long do big league baseball players use the same
gloves?
A. Infielders, a year. Outfielders, seven to 10 years.
Typically.

Q. What's the opposite of "extinct"?
A. "Extant."

Drivers drive faster when other cars are around. Whether
those cars are behind, in front, beside. Curious how it
works.

Only captive-born and people-raised parrots can be taught
to talk.

The original mincemeat in mincemeat pies was the flesh of
small birds.

Researchers say fewer letter carriers are bitten by dogs
in England than anywhere else, but it's not known whether
this is due to the temperament of English dogs or to the
speed of English carriers.

Ugly creatures, lobsters. Most remain unmated. Not
surprised.

Q. Where'd that old name for a dog -- "Fido" -- come
from?
A. Latin. Means "trusting," roughly. It's a cousin of
such words as fidelity, faithful, fiduciary.

Any fisherman will tell you it's against the law to use
goldfish for bait.

In the mid-1960s, scientists came up with straight
bananas, but nobody would buy them.

Few realize Abraham Lincoln's likeness is represented not
once but twice on the Lincoln penny.

Q. Who were the lifelong famous lovers who never saw each
other naked?
A. Robert and Elizabeth Browning, the poets who left
personal footnotes.

A hopping kangaroo takes one breath per hop.

Eucalyptus leaves contain a narcotic. That cute little
koala lives out most of its life stoned.

Only captive-born and people-raised parrots can be taught
to talk.

Pepper is a vine.

Q. How do bullfrogs fight?
A. Each tries with its forelimbs to hold the other
underwater until the weaker gives up.

At least one in every five South Koreans is named Kim.

You get more mail on Thursdays, if typical.

Women eat more hotdogs than men do.

All polar bears have bad breath. And that goes for
eagles, too.

Greenland's schools teach fur sewing.

To that lengthy list of arts and crafts invented by the
Greeks, add counterfeiting.

Ninety-four percent of the hunters who go out to shoot
wild turkeys come back without wild turkeys.

If you order your delivered pizza uncut, it should get to
your place about 10 degrees hotter. Or so says a pizza
maker

Owls outlive elephants.

Not all realize obesity is a problem among caged parrots.
The "mezzo" in "mezzo-soprano" means "middle," that's
all.

Were you aware it's 46 percent easier to push a
wheelbarrow than to pull one?

Among army ants, the commanding general is always female.

It's reported more men than women use deodorant. There's
a reason for everything, I guess.

Q. What sort of plaything is in the most homes worldwide?
A. Crayons.

You're colorblind at dusk.

Am asked what mammal feeds while standing on its head in
water. The walrus does that.

Having no thumb, a baby elephant sucks its trunk.

A barnacle lives all its life upside down.

Q. What does a gorilla do to show anger?
A. Curls its fingers.

Believe I forgot to mention that mice can't stand the
smell of fresh peppermint.

The Mayflower, too, hauled slaves.

X-ray a live snake and you'll kill it.

Elephants can uncork champagne bottles with their trunks.
At least, some can.

If it's not wet, a fly can't eat it.

A grasshopper's eggs won't hatch unless they've been
frozen.

Understand there's a kind of shrimp with eyes in its
tail, so predators have to sneak up in front of it.

A mother porpoise nurses her baby for a year and a half
and burps the little rascal by tapping its underside with
her nose.

Suppose you knew the female bird only has one ovary.

Am told surgeons use the blunt end of the scalpel more
than the sharp end.

Not all realize Chinese chopsticks are bigger than
Japanese chopsticks.

A penguin can swim a lot faster than a salmon.

Men walk from the knee. Women walk from the hip.

Sprinkle salt on a garden slug and it will dissolve. Not
the salt. The slug.

Tumbleweeds don't grow on uncultivated land.

A third of the quarterhorses live in town.

Q. How come you can never find a belly button on a cat or
a dog?
A. The cord is bitten, not tied off.

Guinea pigs don't sweat.

The women in Cuba have long needed permits to buy bras.

Q. Can ladybugs fly backwards?
A. Only on takeoff.

Great horned owls lay round eggs.

Q. The color "ecru" is beige, right?
A. Sort of. It's not really a color. Means raw,
unbleached.

Termites can't see.

Both Thomas Edison and A. Conan Doyle seriously experimented
with devices they thought might let them talk to the dead.

Q. How many skiers die in avalanches each year?
A. About 150. Most set off avalanches themselves.

No Pilgrim could wear that Pilgrim's hat -- wide brim,
high crown -- unless he owned property worth at least 200
pounds.

Q. How do we know the Egyptians as far back as 2500 B.C.
did surgical operations?
A. Such are depicted. On old tombs, significantly.

Berthed ships make groaning whining noises -- rubbing of
wood against wood -- heard nowhere but along the
waterfront. If you've lived around those sounds, the
memory of them never goes away. It's said seafarers and
longshoremen hear them in their sleep until they die.

When telling a lie, a person's voice tends to rise.
That's one of the things those voice print experts
look for.

One job is offered for every 1,470 resumes sent in.
This is the average at last report.

3 out of 5 US homicides are by gunshot.

12,731 B-17 bombers were made during World War II.

Shortbread isn't a bread. It's a thick cookie.

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"Skiing: A Skier's Dictionary"
Henry Bread and Roy McKie
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Alp:
    One of a number of ski mountains in Europe.
    Also a shouted request for assistance made by a European.

Avalanche:
    One of the few actual perils skiers face that needlessly frighten
    timid individuals away from the sport.  See also: Blizzard, First
    Aid, Fracture, Frostbite, Hypothermia, Lift Collapse.

Bindings:
    Automatic mechanisms that protect skiers from serious injury
    during a fall by releasing skis from boots, sending the skis
    skittering across the slope where they trip two other skiers.

Bones:
    There are 206 in the human body.  No need for dismay, however; the
    two bones of the middle ear have never been broken while skiing.

Cross-Country Skiing:
    Traditional Scandinavian all-terrain technique.  It's good
    exercise, doesn't require purchase of costly lift tickets.  It has
    no crowds or lines.  See also Cross-Country Something-Or-Other.

Cross-Country Something-or-Other:
    Touring on skis along trails in scenic wilderness, gliding through
    snow-hushed woods far from the hubbub of the ski slopes, hearing
    nothing but the whispery hiss of the skis slipping through snow
    and the muffled screams of other skiers dropping into the puffy
    powder of a deep, wind-sculpted drift.

Exercises:
    A few simple warm-ups to make sure you're prepared for the slopes:
      1) Tie a cinder block to each foot and climb a flight of stairs.
      2) Sit on the outside of a fourth-story window ledge with your
         skis on and your poles in your lap for at least 30 minutes.
      3) Bind your legs together at the ankles, lie flat on the floor;
         then, holding a banana in each hand, get to your feet.

Gloves:
    Designed to be tight around the wrist to restrict circulation, but
    not so closefitting as to allow any manual dexterity; they should
    also admit moisture from the outside without permitting any
    dampness within to escape.

Gravity:
    One of four fundamental forces in nature that affect skiers.
    The other three are the strong force, which makes bindings jam;
    the weak force, which makes ankles give way on turns; and
    electromagnetism, which produces dead batteries in expensive
    ski-resort parking lots.  See Inertia.

Inertia:
    Tendency of a skier's body to resist changes in direction or speed
    due to the action of Newton's First Law of Motion.  Goes along
    with these other physical laws:
      1) Two objects of different mass falling side by side will have
         the same rate of descent, but the lighter one will have
         larger hospital and home care bills.
      2) Matter can neither be created nor destroyed, but if it drops
         out of a parka pocket, don't expect to encounter it again in
         our universe.
      3) When an irresistible force meets an immovable object (see
      "Tree")

Prejump:
     Maneuver in which an expert skier makes a controlled jump just
     ahead of a bump.  Beginners can execute a controlled pre-fall
     just before losing their balance and, if they wish, may precede
     it with either a pre-scream and a few pre-groans or simple
     profanity.

Shin:
     The bruised area on the front of the leg that runs from the point
     where the ache from the wrenched knee ends to where the soreness
     from the strained ankle begins.

Ski!:
     A shout to alert people ahead that a loose ski is coming down the
     hill.  Another warning skiers should be familiar with is
     "Avalanche!" (which tells everyone that a hill is coming down the
     hill).

Skier:
     One who pays an arm and a leg for the opportunity to break them.

Stance:
     Your knees should be flexed, but shaking slightly; your arms
     straight and covered with a good layer of goose flesh; your hands
     forward, palms clammy, knuckles white and fingers icy, your eyes
     a little crossed and darting in all directions.  Your lips should
     be quivering, and you should be mumbling, "Am I nuts or what?"

Thor:
     The Scandinavian god of acheth and painth.

Traverse:
     To ski across a slope at an angle; one of two quick and simple
     methods of reducing speed.

Tree:
     The other method.

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Longevity
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An 80-year-old man goes to a doctor for a check-up.  The doctor tells
him, "You're in terrific shape.  There's nothing wrong with you.  Why,
you might live forever.  By the way, how old was your father when he
died?"

The 80-year-old responded, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor couldn't believe it!  So he said, "Well, how old was your
grandfather when he died?

The 80-year-old responded again, "Did I say he was dead?"

The doctor was astonished.  He said, "You mean to tell me you are 80
years old and both your father and your grandfather are both alive?"

"Not only that," said the patient, "my grandfather is 126 years old,
and next week he is getting married for the first time."

The doctor said, "After 126 years of being a bachelor why on earth did
your grandfather want to get married?"

His patient looked up at the doctor and said, "Did I say he wanted
to?"

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Do You???
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Two women were chatting and one asked the other,

"Mable, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate
intercourse?"

Mable answered, "Heavens No!  Why would you want to make a phone call
at a time like that?"

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Services for my dog.
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A farmer named Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside except for
a pet dog he doted on.  The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the
parish priest, saying "Father, the dog is dead.  Could you possibly be
saying a mass for the poor creature?"

Father Patrick told the farmer "No, we can't have services for an
animal in the church, but I'll tell you what, there's a new
denomination down the road apiece, and no telling what they believe
in, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."

Muldoon said "I'll go right now. By the way, do you think $50,000 is
enough to donate for the service?"

Father Patrick replied "Why didn't you tell me the dog was Catholic."

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