=================================== Texas Quotes ===================================

The following are actual quotes from (actual) Texas politicians:

1. "It just makes good sense to put all your eggs in one basket." Texas Rep. Joe Salem speaking on an amendment requiring all revenues to go into the state treasury

2. "Lemme give ya' a hypothetic." Texas Rep. Renal Rosson

3. "Ain't nothin' in the middle of the road but yellow stripes and dead armadillos." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower

4. "And now, will y'all stand and be recognized?" Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis to a group of handicapped people in wheelchairs

5. "Dallas salutes a person who can buy a piece of art, but not a person who can create one." A. C. Greene

6. "No thanks, once was enough." Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked if he had been born again

7. "Oh good. Now he'll be bi-ignorant." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower when told that Texas Governor Bill Clements had been studying Spanish

8. "I'd just make a little bit of money, I wouldn't make a whole lot." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis defending himself against the charge that he would personally profit from a bill he had introduced.

9. "Well, there never was a Bible in the room." Texas Governor Bill Clements, asked about repeatedly lying about the SMU football scandal.

10. "I am filled with humidity." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

11. "If ignorance ever goes to $40 a barrel, I want drillin' rights on that man's head." Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower discussing President George Bush's policies

12. "If it's dangerous to talk to yourself, it's probably even dicier to listen" Texas Agriculture Commissioner Jim Hightower

13. "I move we recess to go outside and throw up." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis during a budget hearing

14. "This is a real competitive business." A gas station owner, when asked to explain the rapid rise in gasoline prices when Kuwait was invaded

15. "...idiots, imbeciles, aliens, the insane and women..." Law standing in Texas until 1918 regulating who could not vote

16. "It's the sediment of the House that we adjourn." Texas House

Speaker Wayne Clayton

17. "Let's do this in one foul sweep." Texas House Speaker Wayne Clayton

18. "This is unparalyzed in the state's history." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

19. "I want to thank each and every one of you for having extinguished yourselves this session." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

12. "We'll run it up the flagpole and see who salutes that booger." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

21. "There's a lot of uncertainty that's not clear in my mind." Texas House Speaker Gib Lewis

22. "I can explain it for you, but I can't understand it for you." Anon.

23. "There are still places where people think that the function of the media is to provide information." Don Rottenberg

=================================== Birth Order: Satire From a Youngest Child ===================================

My wife and I are both the youngest child. Combine that with our own = experience as parents and we often satirically talk about how things change as you have more children:

Feeling the Baby Move

First Child: I placed my hand on my wives tummy every chance I could for two months waiting for that first time when I could feel the baby move. Hours upon hours I waited until that magic moment when, I felt this little movement. We called all of our relatives to tell them about the blessed experience.

Second Child: When it first happened, my wife called me at the office. I quickly ran home and felt the baby move. We included the experience in all of our letters to our family.

Third Child: She told me the baby moved. I told her I would check it our during the next commercial break. I missed out because her mother called on the telephone so I went on watching Monday night football. By the end of the third quarter, I finally felt the baby move.

Fourth Child: We were in bed and I was trying to sleep. I turned to her and said "Cant you make your tummy stay still? I'm trying to sleep." When it became clear that the baby would be jumping around for a while, we called the pizza man for a delivery.

The Trip to the Hospital

First Child: Every time we felt the slightest B&H contraction, we rushed to the hospital. I would carry my wife to the car and lay her down in the back seat surrounded by pillows.

Second Child: We timed the contractions. By the time she had three in thirty minutes, we rushed to the hospital. She sat in the front seat, with it leaned back and a pillow behind her head and another at her feet.

Third Child: I came home from the office as soon as she started having regular contractions. When they were five minutes apart and hard, we went to the hospital. I gave her a pillow to hold along the way.

Fourth Child: When she called me at the office and told me that she was having contractions hard and five minutes apart, I told her to drive to t want her bleeding on the carpet.

Pacifier Falls on Floor

First Child: Mother picks it up, runs to the kitchen and disinfects it by boiling in water for ten minutes. Then, after it cools down for ten minutes, she gives it back to the child.

Second Child: Mother picks it up, washes it off in hot water, blows on it to cool it down, and gives it back to the child

Third Child: Mother picks it up, licks it off, and gives it back to the child.

Fourth child: Dog picks it up and licks it off. Mother gives it back to the child.

=

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing,"the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six," he said.