Subject: Tired?
For a couple of years I've been blaming it on iron poor blood, lack of vitamins, dieting and a dozen other maladies. But now I found out the real reason. I'm tired because I'm overworked... The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work. There are 85 million in school which leaves 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the Federal Government. This leaves 19 million to do the work. Four million are in the Armed Forces, which leaves 15 million to do the work. Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City goverments and that leaves 200,000 to do the work. There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work. Now, there are 11,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work, you and me. And I'm just sitting here playing around on e-mail.
Subject: First time
Bill and Mark are out walking in the country one fine summer evening.
Bill : "Hey Mark, you see that grove of trees over there ? Well that's where I had sex for the first time .... we made love while her mother stood beside and watched over us !"
Mark, being a bit shy, was a little shocked to hear this : "Are you serious? Did her mother say anything ?"
Bill: "Yeah she said, 'Baaaaaaaaaah'!"
Subject: Dear God letters...
Dear GOD, In school they told us what You do. Who does it when You are on vacation? * Jane
Dear GOD, Are you really invisible or is that just a trick? * Lucy
Dear GOD, Is it true my father won't get in Heaven if he uses his bowling words in the house? * Anita
Dear GOD, Did you mean for the giraffe to look like that or was it an accident? * Norma
Dear GOD, Instead of letting people die and having to make new ones, why don't You just keep the ones You have now? * Jane
Dear GOD, Who draws the lines around the countries? * Nan
Dear GOD, I went to this wedding and they kissed right in church. Is that okay? * Neil
Dear GOD, What does it mean You are a Jealous God? I thought You had everything. * Jane
Dear GOD, Did you really mean "do unto others as they do unto you"? Because if you did, then I'm going to fix my brother! * Darla
Dear GOD, Thank you for the baby brother, but what I prayed for was a puppy. * Joyce
Dear GOD, It rained for our whole vacation and is my father mad! He said some things about You that people are not supposed to say, but I hope You will not hurt him anyway. Your friend (But I am not going to tell you who I am)
Dear GOD, Why is Sunday school on Sunday? I thought it was supposed to be our day of rest. * Tom L.
Dear GOD, Please send me a pony. I never asked for anything before, You can look it up. * Bruce
Dear GOD, If You give me a genie lamp like Aladin, I will give you anything you want except my money or my chess set. * Raphael
Dear GOD, My brother is a rat. You should give him a tail. Ha ha. * Danny
Dear GOD, Maybe Cain and Abel would not kill each other so much if they had their own rooms. It works with my brother. * Larry
Dear GOD, I want to be just like my Daddy when I get big but not with so much hair all over. * Sam
Dear GOD, I think the stapler is one of your greatest inventions. * Ruth M.
Dear GOD, I bet it is very hard for You to love all of everybody in the whole world. There are only 4 people in our family and I can never do it. * Nan
Dear GOD, If You watch me in church Sunday, I'll show You my new shoes. * Mickey D.
Dear GOD, I would like to live 900 years like the guy in the Bible. Love, Chris
Dear GOD, We read Thomas Edison made light. But in school they said You did it. So I bet he stoled your idea. Sincerely, Donna
Subject: Christmas
Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right. Mrs Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had while making the toys. The reindeer had been drinking all afternoon and were dead drunk. To make matters worse, they had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours - all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are on strike and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid Little Angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the Little Angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. He says "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"
And thus the tradition of angels atop the Christmas trees came to pass........
>I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. "Do > you need some help?" I asked. She replied, "I knew I should have > replaced the battery in this remote door unlocker-now I can't get > into my car. Do you think they [pointing to a distant convenience > store] would have a battery for this?" "Hmmm, I dunno. Do you have an > alarm, too?" I asked. "No, just this remote 'thingy,'" she answered, > handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually > unlocked the door, I replied. "Why don't you drive over there and > check about the batteries - it's a long walk."
> ============================ >
Tech Support: "What does the screen say now." >User: "It says, 'Hit ENTER when ready'." >Tech Support: "Well?" >User: "How do I know when it's ready? > =========================== >
My friend called his car insurance company to tell them to change his > address from Texas to Vermont. The woman who took the call asked > where Vermont was. As he tried to explain, she interrupted and said, > "Look, I'm not stupid or anything, but what state is it in?" >
========================== >
Several years ago we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he > was typing and turned to a secretary and said, "I'm almost out of > typing paper. What do I do?" "Just use copier machine paper," she > told him. With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece > of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank > copies. >
========================== >
I was working the help desk. One day one of the computer operators > called me and asked if anything "bad" would happen if she dropped > coins into the openings of her PC. I asked her if this was something > she was thinking of doing. She said, "never mind" and hung up. So I > got out my trusty tool kit and paid her a visit. I opened her CPU > case and sure enough - there was 40 cents.
> ========================= >
One of our servers crashed. I was watching our new system > administrator trying to restore it. He inserted a CD and needed to > type a path name to a directory named "i386". He started to type it > and paused, asking me, "Where's the key for that line thing?" I > asked what he was talking about, and he said, "You know, that one > that looks like an upside-down exclamation mark." I replied, "You > mean the letter "i"?" and he said, "Yeah, that's it!" > ========================= >
This guy had a broken lamp which he wanted to discard. > Unfortunately, the power cord ran under his refrigerator, making it > impossible to move the lamp while the cord was attached. He decided > to cut the cord, since the lamp was unusable anyway. He didn't > remember to unplug it first. I found him in the hallway rolling back > and forth.
> ======================== >
I was in a car dealership a while ago when a large motor home was > towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of > repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in > "Twister." I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that > the driver had set the cruise control, then went back to make a > sandwich.
> ======================== >
I called a company and asked to speak to Bob. The person who > answered > said, "Bob is on vacation. Would you like to hold?" > ======================= >
I rented a movie from Blockbuster. Before the movie begins a > message comes on the screen saying, "This movie has been altered to > fit your television screen." Comment from spouse: "How do they know > what size screen I have?"
> ====================== >
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and > her contractions are only two minutes apart!!" "Is this her first > child?" the doctor queries. "NO, you *idiot*!" the man shouts. "This > is her husband!"
A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny........ As he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"
Subject: Fwd: Ain't it the truth...
Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other one for the men that were "whipped" by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."
Said and done, the next time God looks, the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were "whipped" by their women was 100 miles long, in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man. God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all "whipped" by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!!" Tell them my son how did you manage to be the only one in that line??"
The man said, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here!!!!!">
Subject: Fwd: Fw: USEFUL FOREIGN LANGUAGE EXPRESSIONS
> The following were reportedly winners in a New York Magazine contest in > which contestants were to take a well-known expression in a foreign > language, change a single letter, and provide a definition for the new > expression. > > >
HARLEZ-VOUS FRANCAIS? > Can you drive a French motorcycle? > >
EX POST FUCT > Lost in the mail. > >
IDIOS AMIGOS > We're wild and crazy guys! > >
VENI, VIPI, VICI > I came, I'm a very important person, I conquered. > >
COGITO EGGO SUM > I think; therefore I am a waffle. > >
RIGOR MORRIS > The cat is dead. >
> RESPONDEZ S'IL VOUS PLAID > Honk if you're Scottish. > >
QUE SERA SERF > Life is feudal. > >
LE ROI EST MORT. JIVE LE ROI > The king is dead. No kidding. > >
POSH MORTEM > Death styles of the rich and famous. > >
PRO BOZO PUBLICO > Support your local clown. > >
MONAGE A TROIS > I am three years old. > >
FELIX NAVIDAD > Our cat has a boat. > >
HASTE CUISINE > Fast French food. > >
VENI, VIDI, VICE > I came, I saw, I partied. > >
QUIP PRO QUO > A fast retort. > >
ALOHA OY > Love; greetings; farewell; from such a pain you should never > know. > >
MAZEL TON > tons of luck. > >
APRES MOE LE DELUGE > Larry and Curly got wet. > >
PORTE-KOCHERE > Sacramental wine. > >
ICH LIEBE RICH > I'm really crazy about having dough. > >
FUI GENERIS > What's mine is mine. > >
VISA LA FRANCE > Don't leave your chateau without it. > >
CA VA SANS DIRT > And that's not gossip. > >
MERCI RIEN > Thanks for nothin'! > >
AMICUS PURIAE > Platonic friend. > >
L'ETAT, C'EST MOO > I'm bossy around here. > >
Cogito, ergo spud > I think, therefore I Yam. > (OK, more than one letter.) > >
VENI, VIDI, VELCRO > I came, I saw, I stuck around > (OK, another exception.)
A Compilation of Puns
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft it sank-proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it, too.
-=-
Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.
-=-
A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He sidles up to the bar and announces: "I'm looking for the man who shot my paw."
-=-
A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."
-=-
Two atoms are walking down the street and they run in to each other. One says to the other, "Are you all right?" "No, I lost an electron!" "Are you sure?" "Yeah, I'm positive!"
-=-
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication!
-=-
A group of chess enthusiasts had checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
-=-
A doctor made it his regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home. The bartender knew of his habit, and would always have the drink waiting at precisely 5:03 p.m. One afternoon, as the end of the work day approached, the bartender was dismayed to find that he was out of hazelnut extract. Thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar. The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink and exclaimed, "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri!" "No, I'm sorry", replied the bartender, "it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
-=-
A hungry lion was roaming through the jungle looking for something to eat. He came across two men. One was sitting under a tree and reading a book; the other was typing away on his typewriter. The lion quickly pounced on the man reading the book and devoured him. Even the king of the jungle knows that readers digest and writers cramp.
-=-
A mushroom walks into a bar, sits down and orders a drink. The bartender says, "We don't serve mushrooms here." The mushroom says, "Why?! I'm a fun guy!"
-=-
This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a huge fancy chrome plate. He asks the waiter, "What's with the fancy plate?" The waiter replies, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"
-=-
Very early one morning two birds are sitting at the side of a large puddle of oil. They see a worm on the other side. So... the one flies over and the other one swims through-which one gets to the worm first? The one who swam, of course, because "Da oily boid gets da woim."
-=-
There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
From: NoTYeS257@aol.com Subject: Golf
>A catholic, a morman and an arab were playing golf and bragging about >> their families. >> >> The catholic boasted that he had 4 kids, his wife was pregnant and >>soon he would have his own basketball team. >> >>The morman replied; "that's nothing, we have 10 kids. One more and >> I'll have a football team!!! >> >> "You guys have no vision" declared the arab. "I have 17 wives, one >> more and I'll have my own golf course!!!!"
Subject: Headache Relief
A guy is suffering from severe headaches for years with no relief. After trying all the usual cures he's referred to a headache specialist by his family doctor. The doctor asks him what his symptoms are and he replies; "I get these blinding headaches; kind of like a knife across my scalp and..".
He is interrupted by the doctor, "And a heavy throbbing right behind the left ear".
"Yes! Exactly! How did you know?"
"Well I am the world's greatest headache specialist, you know. But, I myself suffered from that same type of headache for many years. It is caused by a tension in the scalp muscles. This is how I cured it: Every day I would give my wife oral sex. When she came she would squeeze her legs together with all her strength, and the pressure would relieve the tension in my head. Try that every day for two weeks and come back and let me know how it goes."
Two weeks go by and the man is back, "Well, how do you feel?"
"Doc, I'm a new man! I feel great! I haven't had a single headache since I started this treatment! I can't thank you enough. Oh and, by the way, you have a lovely home."
Subject: The Little Angel
Not long ago and far away, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip...but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.
Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more. When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More Stress. Then, when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground and scattered the toys.
So frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey. When he went to the cupboard, he found the elves had hit the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.
He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from. Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed on his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said: "Where would you like to put this tree Santa?"
And that my friend, is how the little angel came to be on top of the Christmas tree.
Subject: Jokes
An obviously new barber nicked a customer several times while giving him a shave.
The new man, in an effort to smooth thing over asked solicitously, "Do you want your head wrapped in a hot towel ?"
"No thanks." said the customer. "I'll carry it home under my arm."
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Recently a guy in Paris nearly got away with stealing several paintings from the Louvre. However, after planning the crime, getting in and out past security, he was captured only 2 blocks away when his Econoline ran out of gas. When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied:
(brace yourself)
(this is going to hurt.)
(really bad.)
"I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh."
Undercover...
A friend was in front of me coming out of church one day, and the preacher was standing at the door as he always is to shake hands.
He grabbed my friend by the hand and pulled him aside. The Pastor said to him, "You need to join the Army of the Lord!"
My friend replied, "I'm already in the Army of the Lord, Pastor."
Pastor questioned, "How come I don't see you except at Christmas and Easter?"
He whispered back, "I'm in the secret service."
Another Bill
A man was brought to Mercy Hospital, and went in for coronary surgery.
The operation went well, and as the groggy man regained consciousness, he was reassured by a Sister of Mercy waiting by his bed. "Mr. Smith, you're going to be just fine," the nun said while patting his hand. "We do have to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?"
"No, I'm not," the man whispered hoarsely.
"Can you pay in cash?"
"I'm afraid I can't, Sister."
"Do you have any close relatives, then?"
"Just my sister in New Mexico," replied, "but she's a spinster nun."
"Nuns are not spinsters, Mr. Smith," the nun replied. "They are married to God."
"Okay," the man said with a smile, "then bill my brother-in-law."
TEXAS PARKS & WILDLIFE LAWS REGARDING THE HUNTING OF ATTORNEYS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
373.00 HARVESTING
373.01 Any person with valid Texas state rodent or armadillo license may also hunt and harvest attorneys for recreational and sporting (noncommercial) purposes.
373.02 Taking of attorneys with traps and dead falls is permitted. The use of United States currency as bait is, however, prohibited.
373.03 The willful killing of attorneys with a motor vehicle is prohibited, unless such vehicle is an ambulance being driven in reverse. If an attorney is accidentally struck by a motor vehicle, the dead attorney should be removed to the roadside, and the vehicle should proceed to the nearest car wash.
373.04 It is unlawful to chase, herd or harvest attorneys from a power boat, helicopter, or aircraft.
373.05 It is unlawful to shout "WHIPLASH", "AMBULANCE", or "FREE SCOTCH" for the purpose of trapping attorneys.
373.06 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of a BMW, Mercedes, or Porsche dealership, except on Wednesday afternoons.
373.07 It is unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of a courtroom, law library, health club, or hospital.
373.08 If an attorney gains elective office, it is not necessary to have a license to hunt, trap, or possess game.
373.09 It is unlawful for a hunter to wear a disguise as a reporter, accident victim, physician, chiropractor, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys.
373.10 Bag limits per day: Yellow bellied sidewinder..............2 Two faced tort-pusher..................1 Back-stabbing divorce litigator........3 Horn-rimmed cut-throats................2 Minutes advocating mini-minds..........4 Honest lawyers.........................0**
**Protected by Federal Wildlife Management laws as an endangered species.
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after its tour of Communist China. The bill failed to pass, cheating the Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong Bell Bill.
BLONDE SOLUTIONS...
To get even for yesterday.....................
There are three blondes washed up on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into a brown-haired woman and she swims off the island.
The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one, so instantly she is turned into a ravishing redhead. The redhead builds a boat and sails off the island.
The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.
This guy calls his wife at work and says "Don't worry I'm fine and the damage is minimal. She says "Oh my gosh, what happened?" He says that he was coming back from lunch & a bird hit his car windshield. How much damage did it do she asked? Minimal, however I did get a ticket. A ticket how did you get that? Well I managed to reach the bird through the window and throw it behind me, however it hit the windshield of the car behind me. It was a highway patrol car and the officer gave me a ticket. What for she asked, damaging his windshield? No, flipping him the bird!!!!
Subject: Saint Peter And The Nun
Three nuns die and go to heaven where they are met by St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Pete says "Ladies, you all led such wonderful lives, that I'm granting you six months to go back to Earth and be anyone you want".
The first nun says "I want to be Bo Derek" and POOF she's gone.
The second says "I want to be Madonna" and POOF she's gone.
The third says "I want to be Sarah Pepalini". St. Peter looks perplexed.
"Who?" he says.
"Sarah Pepalini" replies the nun.
St. Peter shakes his head and says "I'm sorry, that name just doesn't ring a bell." The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St. Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and says "No Sister, this says Sahara Pipeline laid by 500 men in seven days!".
Subject: BIll ?? do you want him back
WE have KIDnapPEd bIll gAtEs. SeND us $2,500,000 IN unmarKEd 10 & 20 DoLLAr Bills in 48 hOURs or WE wiLL have NO cHoiCE but to senD hiM back.
From: CaptJax@aol.com Subject: Politically Correct
No one fails a class anymore, he's merely "passing impaired."
You don't have detention, you're just one of the"exit delayed."
Your bedroom isn't cluttered, it's just "passage restrictive."
These days, a student isn't lazy. He's "energetically declined."
Your locker isn't overflowing with junk, it's just "closure prohibitive."
Kids don't get grounded anymore. They merely hit "social speed bumps."
Your homework isn't missing, its just having an "out-of-notebook experience."
You're not sleeping in class, you're "rationing consciousness."
You're not late, you just have a "rescheduled arrival time."
You're not having a bad hair day, you're suffering from "rebellious follicle syndrome."
You don't have smelly gym socks, you have "odor-rententive athletic footwear."
No one's tall anymore. He's "vertically enhanced."
You're not shy. You're "conversationally selective."
You don't talk a lot. You're just "abundantly verbal."
You weren't passing notes in class. You were "participating in the discreet exchange of penned meditations."
You're not being sent to the principals office. You're "going on a mandatory field trip to the administrative building."
It's not called gossip anymore. It's "the speedy transmission of near-factual information."
The food at the school cafeteria isn't awful. It's "digestively challenged."
Failed State Motto's
Alabama Literacy Ain't Everything
Arkansas At Least We're not Oklahoma
California Se Habla Ingles
Connecticut New York City's OTHER Suburb
Florida The Gunshine State
Idaho Famous for Potatoes ... and Neo-Nazis
Illinois Gateway to Iowa
Indiana Home of Dan Quayle
Kansas Don't Blame Us: We Voted For Dole
Kentucky Five Million People; Fifteen Last Names
Maine For Sale
Maryland We're Better Than Virginia, Damn It!
Minnesota Land of 7,000 lakes and 3,000 man-made ponds
Montana Land of the Big Sky, and Very Little Else
New Jersey The Garbage State
New Mexico Lizards Make Excellent Pets
New York You Have the Right to Remain Silent, You Have the Right to an Attorney
North Carolina Tobacco is a Vegetable
Ohio Don't Judge us by Cleveland
Oregon Jerry Garcia was here!
Pennsylvania Cook with Coal
South Dakota Closer than North Dakota
Tennessee The Educashun State
Texas Don't Mess with Texas-We're Armed
Utah Our Jesus is Better Than Your Jesus
Virginia We're Better Than Maryland, Damn It!
Washington Keep Washington Green, Grow Hemp
Wisconsin Come Sniff our Dairy Air
Wyoming Flat Is Where It's At
Little Rascals
The teacher asks Spanky to stand up and spell the word "dictate".
So Spanky stands up and says, "D - I - C - K...". The teacher says, "Wrong, please sit down". Next, the teacher asks Alfalfa to spell "dictate". So Alfalfa stands up and says, "D - I - K...". The teacher says, "Wrong, please sit down". Next, the teacher asks Darla to spell it. So Darla stands up and says, "D - I - C - H...". The teacher says, "Wrong, please sit down". Next, the teacher asks Buckwheat to spell the word. So Buckwheat stands up and says, "D - I - C - T - A - T - E". The teacher exclaims, "Very good Buckwheat. Now please use it in a sentence so we'll know what the word means". Buckwheat stands up and says, "Sho'...hey Darla, how my dictate" ?
Subject: Humor
Examples of intelligence by some of the finest educated and powerful people, we all know. Semantic Confusion?
"SMOKING KILLS, AND IF YOU'RE KILLED, YOU'VE LOST A VERY IMPORTANT PART OF YOUR LIFE." -Anti-smoking spokesperson Brooke Shields
"WE ARE READY FOR AN UNFORESEEN EVENT THAT MAY OR MAY NOT OCCUR." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THE PRESIDENT HAS KEPT ALL OF THE PROMISES HE INTENDED TO KEEP." -Clinton aide George Stephanopolous speaking on Larry King Live
"THE POLICE ARE NOT HERE TO CREATE DISORDER, THEY'RE HERE TO PRESERVE DISORDER" -Former Chicago mayor Daley during the infamous 1968 convention
"IF YOU'VE SEEN ONE REDWOOD TREE, YOU'VE SEEN THEM ALL" -Forestry expert Ronald Reagan
"TRADITIONALLY, MOST OF AUSTRALIA'S IMPORTS COME FROM OVERSEAS" -Former Australian cabinet minister Keppel Enderbery
"IT IS WONDERFUL TO BE HERE IN THE GREAT STATE OF CHICAGO" -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THE STREETS ARE SAFE IN PHILADELPHIA,IT'S ONLY THE PEOPLE THAT MAKE THEM UNSAFE" -Former Philadelphia Mayor and Police Chief Frank Rizzo
"THE INTERNET IS A GREAT WAY TO GET ON THE NET" -Republican presidential candidate Bob Dole
"IT IS BAD LUCK TO BE SUPERSTITIOUS" -Andrew Mathis
"HE WAS A MAN OF GREAT STATUE" -Boston mayor Thomas Menino on former mayor John Collins
"IT'S LIKE AN ALCATRAZ AROUND MY NECK" -Boston mayor Menino on the shortage of city parking spaces
"I WAS RECENTLY ON A TOUR OF LATIN AMERICA, AND THE ONLY REGRET I HAVE WAS THAT I DIDN'T STUDY LATIN HARDER IN SCHOOL SO I COULD CONVERSE WITH THOSE PEOPLE" -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"THEY'RE MULTIPURPOSE. NOT ONLY DO THEY PUT THE CLIPS ON, BUT THEY TAKE THEM OFF." -Pratt & Whitney spokesperson explaining why the company charged the Air Force nearly $1000 for an ordinary pair of pliers.
"WE'RE GOING TO TURN THIS TEAM AROUND 360 DEGREES." -Jason Kidd, upon his drafting to the Dallas Mavericks
"I'M NOT GOING TO HAVE SOME REPORTERS PAWING THROUGH OUR PAPERS. WE ARE THE PRESIDENT." -Hillary Clinton commenting on the release of subpoenaed documents
"WHEN MORE AND MORE PEOPLE ARE THROWN OUT OF WORK, UNEMPLOYMENT RESULTS." -Former U.S. President Calvin Coolidge
"IT'S LIKE DEJA VU ALL OVER AGAIN." -Yogi Berra
"CHINA IS A BIG COUNTRY, INHABITED BY MANY CHINESE" -Former French President Charles De Gaulle
"THE LOSS OF LIFE WILL BE IRREPLACEABLE." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the San Francisco earthquake
"THAT LOWDOWN SCOUNDREL DESERVES TO BE KICKED TO DEATH BY A JACKASS, AND I'M JUST THE ONE TO DO IT." -A congressional candidate in Texas
"IT IS NECESSARY FOR ME TO ESTABLISH A WINNER IMAGE. THEREFORE, I HAVE TO BEAT SOMEBODY." - Richard M. Nixon
"THE GOVERNMENT IS NOT DOING ENOUGH ABOUT CLEANING UP THE ENVIRONMENT. THIS IS A GOOD PLANET." -Mr. New Jersey contestant when asked what he would do with a million dollars.
"WHEN I HAVE BEEN ASKED DURING THESE LAST WEEKS WHO CAUSED THE RIOTS AND THE KILLING IN L.A., MY ANSWER HAS BEEN DIRECT AND SIMPLE: WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE RIOTS? THE RIOTERS ARE TO BLAME. WHO IS TO BLAME FOR THE KILLINGS? THE KILLERS ARE TO BLAME." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on the complex social issues behind the Los Angeles Riots
"THINGS ARE MORE LIKE THEY ARE NOW THAN THEY EVER WERE BEFORE." -Former U.S. President Dwight D. Eisenhower
"A BILLION HERE, A BILLION THERE, SOONER OR LATER IT ADDS UP TO REAL MONEY." -Senator Everett Dirksen
"A VERBAL CONTRACT ISN'T WORTH THE PAPER IT'S WRITTEN ON." -Samuel Goldwyn
"REPUBLICANS UNDERSTAND THE IMPORTANCE OF BONDAGE BETWEEN A MOTHER AND CHILD." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle on Republican family values
"I DON'T FEEL WE DID WRONG IN TAKING THIS GREAT COUNTRY AWAY FROM THEM. THERE WERE GREAT NUMBERS OF PEOPLE WHO NEEDED NEW LAND, AND THE INDIANS WERE SELFISHLY TRYING TO KEEP IT FOR THEMSELVES." -John Wayne
"HALF THIS GAME IS NINETY PERCENT MENTAL." -Philadelphia Phillies manager Danny Ozark
"IT ISN'T POLLUTION THAT'S HARMING THE ENVIRONMENT. IT'S THE IMPURITIES IN OUR AIR AND WATER THAT ARE DOING IT." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
"WITHOUT CENSORSHIP,THINGS CAN GET TERRIBLY CONFUSED IN THE PUBLIC MIND." -General William Westmoreland
"WHAT A WASTE IT IS TO LOSE ONE'S MIND. OR NOT TO HAVE A MIND IS BEING VERY WASTEFUL. HOW TRUE THAT IS." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle at a fundraising event for the United Negro College Fund. He was attempting to quote the line "a mind is a terrible thing to waste"
"IF YOU LET THAT SORT OF THING GO ON, YOUR BREAD AND BUTTER WILL BE CUT RIGHT OUT FROM UNDER YOUR FEET." -Former British foreign minister Ernest Bevin
"I LOVE CALIFORNIA. I PRACTICALLY GREW UP IN PHOENIX." -Former U.S. Vice-President Dan Quayle
Subject: Gulf
News from the Gulf: > The Allies have decided to take action against Saddam Hussein. > The Americans are sending 10,000 troops and two aircraft carriers. > The French are sending 4,000 Legionaries. > The British are sending 250 teenage au-pairs.
I understand the Polish Army has send 2,000 troops to the Gulf also............................but the Mexicans don't know what to do with them.
Subject: You Know Your A Yankee if....
>> You know you are a Yankee IF... >> >> 1) You think barbecue is a verb meaning "to cook outside." >> 2) You think Heinz Ketchup is SPICY! >> 3) You don't have any problems pronouncing "Worcestershire >> sauce" correctly. >> 4) For breakfast, you would prefer potatoes au gratin to grits. >> 5) You don't know what a moon pie is. >> 6) You've never had grain alcohol. >> 7) You've never, ever, eaten Okra. >> 8) You eat fried chicken with a knife and fork. >> 9) You've never seen a live chicken, and the only cows you've seen >> are on road trips. >> 10) You have no idea what a polecat is. >> 11) Whenever someone tells an off-color joke about farm animals, >> it goes over your head. >> 12) You don't see anything wrong with putting a sweater on a >> poodle. >> 13) You don't have bangs. >> 14) You would rather vacation at Martha's Vineyard than Six Flags. >> 15) More than two generations of your family have been kicked out >> of the same prep school in Connecticut. >> 16) You would rather have your son become a lawyer than grow up >> to get his own TV fishing show. >> 17) Instead of referring to two or more people as "y'all," you call >> them "you guys," even if both of them are women. >> 18) You don't think Howard Stern has an accent. >> 19) You have never planned your summer vacation around a >> gun-and-knife show. >> 20) You think more money should go to important scientific research >> at your university than to pay the salary of the head football coach. >> 21) You don't have at least one can of WD-40 somewhere around >> the house. >> 22) The last time you smiled was when you prevented someone from >> getting on an on-ramp on the highway. >> 23) You don't have any hats in your closet that advertise feed stores. >> 24) The farthest south you've ever been is the perfume counter at >> Neiman Marcus. >> 25) You call binoculars opera glasses. >> 26) You can't spit out the car window without pulling over to the >> side of the road and stopping. >> 27) You would never wear pink or an applique sweatshirt. >> 28) You don't know what applique is. >> 29) Most of your formative high school sexual experiences took >> place within the context of a football game. >> 30) You don't know anyone with two first names (i.e. Joe Bob, >> Billy Bob, Kay Bob, Bob Bob) >> 31) You don't have doilies, and you certainly don't know how to >> make one. >> 32) You've never been to a craft show. >> 33) You get freaked out when people on the subway talk to you. >> 34) You can't do your laundry without quarters. >> 35) None of your fur coats are homemade.
Subject: Cannibals
Two cannibals meet one day. The first cannibal says, "You know, I just can't seem to get a tender Missionary. I've baked them, I've roasted them, I've stewed them, I've barbecued them, I've tried every sort of marinade. Just can't seem to get them tender."
The second cannibal asks, "What kind of Missionary do you use?"
The reply, "You know, the ones that hang out at that place at the bend of the river. They have those brown cloaks with a rope around the waist and they're sort of bald on top with a funny ring of hair on their heads."
"Ah, Ha!" the second cannibal replies, "No wonder--those are fryers!"
Weird Local USA Sex Laws
No man is allowed to make love to his wife with the smell of garlic, onions, or sardines on his breath in Alexandria, Minnesota. If his wife so requests, law mandates that he must brush his teeth.
Warn your hubby that after lovemaking in Ames, Iowa, he isn't allowed to take more than three gulps of beer while lying in bed with you-or holding you in his arms.
Bozeman, Montana, has a law that bans all sexual activity between members of the opposite sex in the front yard of a home after sundown-if they're nude. (Apparently, if you wear socks, you're safe from the law!)
During lunch breaks in Carlsbad, New Mexico no couple should engage in a sexual act while parked in their vehicle, unless their car has curtains.
In Cleveland, Ohio women are not allowed to wear patent-leather shoes.
Clinton, Oklahoma has a law against masturbating while watching two people having sex in a car.
It's safe to make love while parked in Coeur d'Alene, Idaho. Police officers aren't allowed to walk up and knock on the window. Any suspicious officer who thinks that sex is taking place must drive up from behind, honk his horn three times and wait approximately two minutes before getting out of his car to investigate. [Hmmm... okay, there's one place with a law that makes sense... -psl]
In Connorsville, Wisconsin no man shall shoot off a gun while his female partner is having a sexual orgasm.
In Detroit, couples are not allowed to make love in an automobile unless the act takes place while the vehicle is parked on the couple's own property.
A law in Fairbanks, Alaska does not allow moose to have sex on city streets.
In Florida it is illegal for single, divorced, or widowed women to parachute on Sunday afternoons.
In Harrisburg, Pennsylvania it is illegal to have sex with a truck driver inside a toll booth.
The owner of every hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, is required to provide each guest with a clean and pressed nightshirt. No couple, even if they are married, may sleep together in the nude. Nor may they have sex unless they are wearing one of these clean, white cotton nightshirts.
Another law in Helena, Montana, mandates that a woman can't dance on a table in a saloon or bar unless she has on at least three pounds, two ounces of clothing.
A state law in Illinois mandates that all bachelors should be called master, not mister, when addressed by their female counterparts.
An excerpt from brilliant Kentucky state legislation. "No female shall appear in a bathing suit on any highway within this state unless she be escorted by at least two officers or unless she be armed with a club". The following important ammendment however is to be considered here: "The provisions of this statuate shall not apply to females weighing less than 90 pounds nor exceeding 200 pounds, nor shall it apply to male horses."
In Kingsville, Texas there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property.
Any couple making out inside a vehicle, and accidentally sounding the horn during their lustful act, may be taken to jail according to a Liberty Corner, New Jersey law.
In Los Angeles, California, a man is legally entitled to beat his wife with a leather belt or strap, but the belt can't be wider than 2 inches, unless he has his wife's consent to beat her with a wider strap. Consent should be given prior to the event, as is carefully stipulated. [Not to be confused with the myth about "rule of thumb"'s origin -psl]
In Merryville, Missouri, women are prohibited from wearing corsets because "The privilege of admiring the curvaceous, unencumbered body of a young woman should not be denied to the normal, red-blooded American male."
In Michigan, a woman isn't allowed to cut her own hair without her husband's permission.
In Nevada sex without a condom is considered illegal.
An ordinance in Newcastle, Wyoming, specifically bans couples from having sex while standing inside a store's walk-in meat freezer!
In Norfolk, Virginia, a woman can't go out without wearing a corset. (There was a civil-service job-for men only-called a corset inspector.)
In Oblong, Illinois, it's punishable by law to make love while hunting or fishing on your wedding day.
In Oxford, Ohio, it's illegal for a woman to strip off her clothing while standing in front of a man's picture.
In hotels in Sioux Falls, South Dakota, every room is required to have twin beds. And the beds must always be a minimum of two feet apart when a couple rents a room for only one night. And it's illegal to make love on the floor between the beds!
A Tremonton, Utah law states that no woman is allowed to have sex with a man while riding in an ambulance. In addition to normal charges, the woman's name will be published in the local newspaper. The man does not receive any punishment.
Utah state legislation outlaws all sex with anyone but your spouse. Next to that adultery, oral and anal sex, masturbation are considered sodomy and can lead to imprisonment. Sex with an animal - unless performed for profit - however is NOT considered sodomy. Polygamy - provided only the missionary position has been applied - is only a misdemeanor.
In Ventura County, California cats and dogs are not allowed to have sex without a permit.
The only acceptable sexual position in Washington D.C. is the missionary-style position. Any other sexual position is considered illegal.
In Willowdale, Oregon no man may curse while having sex with his wife.
In the state of Washington there is a law against having sex with a virgin under any circumstances. (Including the wedding night).
Submitted by: LizS237058 @ AOL
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People with too much time on their hands should try Lava. That stuff washes off anything. --Paul Paternoster
There is a theory which states that if ever anybody discovers exactly what the Universe is for and why it is here, it will instantly disappear and be replaced by something even more bizarre and inexplicable. There is another theory which states this has already happened. -Douglas Adams
Mom thinks she knows everything, but I gotta confess she was right about the cheese-fondue-in-the-pocket thing. --Matthew J. Siske
People who need people are people who don't realize just how annoying people can be. --J Wagner (Crabby Road)
Did Mary and Joseph ever get up enough nerve to send Jesus to his room? --Bil Keand (Family Circus)
Just because something's toxic doesn't mean it's not tasty. --Matthew J. Siske
A SKEPTIC is one who won't take "know" for an answer.
The learned are seldom pretty fellows, and in many cases their appearance tends to discourage a love of study in the young. --H.L. Mencken
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but a hollow-point .38 slug could take out my entire liver. --Lev L. Spiro
A wise man once said to me: "Pick the cup with the bean underneath and you'll win a dollar! Everyone's a winner!" --Lev L. Spiro
Incomepoop: Someone who always invests in bad stocks. --Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest)
Call-waiting is the perfect thing if you want to interrupt one annoying phone call to take another. --J Wagner (Crabby Road)
Capital is the fruit of labor and could have never existed if labor had not first existed. --U.S. President Abraham Lincoln
One doctor to another: "It's considered an experimental drug because they don't know whether they'll make a bundle on it yet." --Dave Carpenter
Give a man a fish, and he will eat for a day. Teach him to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day. --Dan Moon
Get your facts first, and then you can distort them as much as you please. --Mark Twain
The most predictable thing about the stock market is the number of experts who take credit for predicting it. --Dave Weinbaum
No mind is thoroughly well-organized that is deficient in a sense of humor. --Samuel Taylor Coleridge
Sometimes you have to look reality in the eye and deny it. --Garrison Keillor
Men who treat women as helpless and charming playthings deserve women who treat men as delightful and generous bank accounts. --GQ
The trouble with America isn't that the poetry of life has turned to prose, but that it has changed to advertising copy. --Mortimer B. Zuckerman
Riding mowers are great if you don't mind that tingly feeling in your bottom three hours after you cut the grass. --J. Wagner (Crabby Road)
Intelligence is like a river: the deeper it is, the less noise it makes. --Milwaukee Journal Sentinel
Writing about music is like dancing about architecture. --Elvis Costello
Adolescence is like a house on moving day -- a temporary mess. --Julius Warren
As a child, a library card takes you to exotic, faraway places. When you're grown up, a credit card does it. --Sam Ewing
Interviewing Robin Williams is like trying to hold helium in your fist. --Barbara Walters
Sign: "Highway of Life -- Prepare to Pay Tolls" --Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest)
I'm not going to grow old gracefully. I'm going to do it kicking, screaming and complaining!" --Stephanie Piro (Fair Game)
One mosquito to another: "Sure, I believe in reincarnation -- in my previous life I was an IRS agent!" --Bob Thaves (Frank & Ernest)
Want to see a big fireworks display? Cut me off in traffic. --J. Wagner (Crabby Road)
>>Subject: DARWIN AWARD WINNER FOR 1997 ANNOUNCED >>Content-Disposition: inline >> >>You all know about the Darwin Awards - It's an annual honor given to >>the person who did the gene pool the biggest service by >>killing/injuring themselves in the most extraordinarily stupid way. >> >>The 1995 winner was the fellow who was killed by a Coke machine >>which toppled over on top of him as he was attempting to tip a free >>soda out of it. >> >>In 1996 the winner was an air force sergeant who attached a JATO >>(rocket) unit to his car and crashed into a cliff several hundred >>feet above the roadbed. >> >>And now, the 1997 winner: Larry Waters of Los Angeles -- one of the >>few Darwin winners to survive his award-winning accomplishment. >>Larry's boyhood dream was to fly. When he graduated from high >>school, he joined the Air Force in hopes of becoming a pilot. >>Unfortunately, poor eyesight disqualified him. When he was finally >>discharged, he had to satisfy himself with watching jets fly over >>his backyard. >> >>One day, Larry, had a bright idea. He decided to fly. He went to >>the local Army-Navy surplus store and purchased 45 weather balloons >>and several tanks of helium. The weather balloons, when fully >>inflated, would measure more than four feet across. >> >>Back home, Larry securely strapped the balloons to his sturdy lawn >>chair. He anchored the chair to the bumper of his jeep and inflated >>the balloons with the helium. He climbed on for a test while it was >>still only a few feet above the ground. >> >>Satisfied it would work, Larry packed several sandwiches and a >>six-pack of Miller Lite, loaded his pellet gun-- figuring he could >>pop a few balloons when it was time to descend-- and went back to >>the floating lawn chair. >> >>He tied himself in along with his pellet gun and provisions. Larry's >>plan was to lazily float up to a height of about 30 feet above his >>back yard after severing the anchor and in a few hours come back >>down. >> >>Things didn't quite work out that way. When he cut the cord >>anchoring the lawn chair to his jeep, he didn't float lazily up to >>30 or so feet. Instead he streaked into the LA sky as if shot from >>a cannon. He didn't level of at 30 feet, nor did he level off at >>100 feet. After climbing and climbing, he leveled off at 11,000 >>feet. >> >>At that height he couldn't risk shooting any of the balloons, lest he >>unbalance the load and really find himself in trouble. So he stayed >>there, drifting, cold and frightened, for more than 14 hours. >> >>Then he really got in trouble. He found himself drifting into the >>the primary approach corridor of Los Angeles International Airport. >>A United pilot first spotted Larry. He radioed the tower and >>described passing a guy in a lawn chair with a gun. Radar confirmed >>the existence of an object floating 11,000 feet above the airport. >>LAX emergency procedures swung into full alert and a helicopter was >>dispatched to investigate. LAX is right on the ocean. Night was >>falling and the offshore breeze began to flow. It carried Larry out >>to sea with the helicopter in hot pursuit. Several miles out, the >>helicopter caught up with Larry. Once the crew determined that >>Larry was not dangerous, they attempted to close in for a rescue but >>the draft from the blades would push Larry away whenever they >>neared. >> >>Finally, the helicopter ascended to a position several hundred feet >>above Larry and lowered a rescue line. Larry snagged the line and >>was hauled back to shore. The difficult maneuver was flawlessly >>executed by the helicopter crew. As soon as Larry was hauled to >>earth, he was arrested by waiting members of the LAPD for violating >>LAX airspace. As he was led away in handcuffs, a reporter dispatched >>to cover the daring rescue asked why he had done it. Larry >>stopped,turned and replied nonchalantly, "A man can't just sit >>around." >> >>Let's hear it for Larry Waters, the 1997 Darwin Award Winner.
Pointer + Setter Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier + Skye Terrier Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees + Dachshund Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese + Lhasa Apso Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel + English Springer Spaniel Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever + Curly Coated Retriever Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists
Newfoundland + Basset Hound Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier + Bulldog Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound + Labrador Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute + Pointer Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie + Malamute Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound + Terrier Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Cocker Spaniel + Rottweiller Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband
Bull Terrier + Shitzu Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed