There was this Christian lady that had to do a lot of traveling for her business so she did a lot of flying. But flying made her nervous so she always took her Bible along with her to read and it helped relax her. One time she was sitting next to a man. When he saw her pull out her Bible He gave a little chuckle and went back to what he was doing. After awhile he turned to her and asked "You don't really believe all that stuff in there do you?"

The lady replied "Of course I do it is the Bible."

He said "Well what about that guy that was swallowed by that whale?

She replied "Oh, Jonah. Yes I believe that, it is in the Bible."

He asked Well, how do you suppose he survived all that time inside the whale?"

The lady said "Well I don't really know I guess when I get to heaven I will ask him."

"What if he isn't in heaven?" the man asked sarcastically.

"Then you can ask him," replied the lady.

There were two evil brothers. They were rich, and used their money to keep their ways from the public eye. They even attended the same church, and looked to be perfect Christians. Then, their pastor retired, and a new one was hired. Not only could he see right through the brothers' deception, but he also spoke well and true and the church started to swell in numbers. A fund-raising campaign was started to build a new assembly. All of a sudden, one of the brothers died. The remaining brother sought out the new pastor the day before the funeral and handed him a cheque for the amount needed to finish paying for the new addition. "I have only one condition," he said. "At his funeral, you must say my brother was a saint." The pastor gave his word, and deposited the cheque. The next day, at the funeral, the pastor did not hold back. "He was an evil man," he said. "He cheated on his wife and abused his family." After going on in this vein for a small time, he concluded with, "But compared to his brother, he was a saint."

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill, but warns her it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. So, that night at dinner, she does. About a week later she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great!! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes and he jumps up, rakes all the food and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off and ravages me right there on the table!" The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages." "Naah... ", she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that Restaurant anyway.

Three monks are meditating far from the madding crowd, in the Himalayas. One year passes in silence, and one of them says to the others, " Pretty cold

here." Another year passes and the second monk says, " You know, you are quite right." Another year comes to pass... And the third monk says, " Hey, I'm gonna quit unless you stop bitching!"

A new man is brought into Prison Cell 102. Already there is a long-time resident who looks 100 years old. The new man looks at the old-timer inquiringly. The old-timer says, "Look at me. I'm old and worn out. You'd never believe that I used to live the life of Riley. I wintered on the Riviera, had a boat, four fine cars, the most beautiful women, and I ate in all the best restaurants of France." The new man asked, "What happened?" "One day Riley reported his credit cards missing!"

Many a relationship could be thrown a curve ball if women always told the truth in bed. Imagine the revelation...

She: Get off of me, will ya!! He: Whatsa matter, am I hurting you? She: No, you're not hurting me, you're annoying me. You think you could hurt me with THAT?!?

A brother went in a laundry mat to wash his clothes and he notices that his clothes that he's wearing are dirty. So he takes 'em off and puts them into the washer. So he's naked. And then a blonde and brunette come in. So he grabs a cigarette and goes in the corner and acts like a statue. Then the brunette comes up and sticks a quarter up his ass and pulls on his dick and his cigarette goes flying out. And the brunette says "Hey Blondie, look. It's a cigarette dispenser!" So the blonde sticks a quarter up his ass and yanks his honker. And she pulls and pulls and pulls. Then she looks at the brunette and says "No it's not! It's a hand lotion machine!"

After years of listening to her plead, a hunter finally decided to let his wife come hunting with him. He led her into the woods and left her in a blind with instructions on what to do when a deer came within range. He had no sooner arrived at his own blind when he heard a shot coming from his wife's direction. The first shot was quickly followed by several more. He immediately ran back to see what had happened,only to find a man standing in front of his wife with his hands up shouting, "OK lady, it's your deer! Just let me take the saddle off!"

A study has found that coffee drinkers lead more active sex lives. Argus Hamilton has the explanation: "For one thing, they're awake."

"The romance novel industry was rocked by news that one of its leading authors had admitted to plagiarism. 'Does this mean we're like real writers?' one of them asked."

"The Republicans defeated the Democrats in their annual baseball game," says Jay Leno. "The game raised a lot of money for charity. Plus, the home plate umpire took home $5,000 in bribes."

"The Senate committee's findings of illegal campaign financing activities raises a shocking question in our society: 'This is new to them?'" (Ray)

The other day, Congressman Joe Kennedy and his son had a minor mishap with some illegal fireworks. When asked about it, Kennedy said, "We're trying to find alternatives to alcohol and underage women." -- Conan O'Brien

Our Favorite Government Agency: The California Department of Motor Vehicles says as many as 250 employees may be involved in a phony

driver's license scandal. "Two hundred fifty employees? I didn't know DMV even had 250 employees." (Steve Voldseth)

The DMV fired 24 workers calling them rogue clerks. "You know what a rogue clerk is, don't you?" asks Bill Williams. "He's one who says, 'You're in the wrong line, but I'll help you anyway.'"

"More changes for the Sox. Reinsdorf announced the team will now be known as the Chicago White Flags." (Brian J. Hill)

In the News: A judge has refused to dismiss a lawsuit against Disney by a woman who says she was robbed in the parking lot and her grandchildren were traumatized by seeing Mickey, Minnie and Pluto taking off their false heads. "At least they missed Michael Eisner shoveling cash into the trunk of his car." (Bob Mills)

Hofstra University will host 50,000 academics at a three-day conference to examine the career of Frank Sinatra, says Mills. "Leading economists will decide once and for all just which corporation he is chairman of the board of."

Airlines have balked at the FAA suggestion that they fill empty fuel tanks with inert gas, says Williams. "I don't know about the others, but that's where American and Delta employees put their cocaine."

Regis Philbin has been dropped as the host of the Miss America Pageant. Jeez, they're treating this guy like he was caught in a hotel room with a flight attendant. -- David Letterman

And the NBA rookie of the year Allen Iverson of the Philadelphia 76ers was arrested on weapons and marijuana charges. "The 76ers want to see Iverson treated like any other suspect," says the Daily Scoop. "The Cowboys want to know if he can catch a football."

Postmaster General Marvin Runyon says the post office will make a $1-billion profit for the third straight year, says Jerry Perisho. "One-billion-dollar profit. Next thing you know, Bill Gates will buy it."

"Kids graduating from college today find the job market to be very tough, very competitive. There is only one job that really has a lot of openings and continues to grow -- special prosecutor." (Perisho)

"Dan Quayle presented himself as a political outsider, saying 'Sure, I was vice president for four years, but it's not like I actually worked.'" (Cutler Daily Scoop)

"Quayle served four years in the House, eight in the Senate and four

as vice president. If he's an outsider, it's at a Mensa meeting." (Argus Hamilton)

McDonald's had the biggest management shake-up in its history, which included the departure of three top executives. "It was pathetic how they did it -- pink slips in their Happy Meals." (Brian J. Hill)

Our Government: House Speaker Newt Gingrich said his loss of 25 pounds was because of dieting, exercise and pills, including a stimulant. "Newt Gingrich needs a stimulant like Superman needs a fitness trainer." (Hamilton)

People, People Who Hit People...Miss Canada lost her crown after being convicted of giving her ex's new girlfriend two black eyes and a broken nose. Says Steve Voldseth, "I think it's safe to say she had to give up that Miss Congeniality award as well."

"The explorer Sojourner backed away form the rock named Yogi and headed for Scooby Do. It's pretty obvious now that women are from Venus and Hanna-Barbera is from Mars." (Bill Williams)

"The Senate campaign finance hearings -- a.k.a. the Potomac Yawn Patrol -- are so boring, some Republicans have suggested bringing in Sonny Bono to do a number between witnesses." (Mills)

"It's the best-dressed Senate-committee in history. They wear tuxedos in the afternoon because they all have fund-raisers to attend starting at 5." (Hamilton)

"White House Press Secretary Mike McCurry has accused Republicans of running a smear campaign to assassinate the president's character," says Hamilton. "What utter nonsense. If ever there was an apparent suicide..."

A Living Wage: For the third year, Forbes magazine has named Bill Gates the richest man in the world with a net worth of more than $36 billion. "That's mind-boggling," says Leno. "Give you an idea how rich this guy is -- do you know he has over $800 million in change sitting on top of his dresser?"

"Bill Gates is so rich, he controls more than three-quarters of the world's Grey Poupon." (Leno)

"The actor who plays Barney the Dinosaur suffered heat exhaustion in his costume during a TV taping. Doctors say the prognosis doesn't look good. He will survive." (Ray)

Christopher Darden is going to court to prove he's the father of his ex-lover's daughter...in legal circles, that's known as the Reverse Cosby. -- Zack Taylor, Westwood One Radio Network

Real Estate: "The Grateful Dead's communal Victorian house in San Francisco is listed for sale at $990,000," says Alex Kaseberg. "That sounds expensive, but it works out to only about 10 bucks an ounce."

"The band left its mark on the place. The house has seven bedrooms, five baths and 112 medicine cabinets." (Argus Hamilton)

"It is listed at just under $1 million, but the street value is $2 million." (Premiere Morning Sickness)

Legal File: "The legal haggling continues over who owns O.J.'s piano. There hasn't been this much fuss over a piano by someone who can't play one since John Tesh went on tour." (Kaseberg)

L.A. City Councilman Mike Hernandez has been charged with possession

of cocaine, says Bob Mills. "He was immediately offered a better job in Washington, D.C., by Mayor Marion Barry."

"In an attempt to avoid prosecution, the councilman has scheduled a tryout as utility infielder for the Anaheim Angels." (Barry Tunick)

Health Beat: "Here's the latest gimmick from the tobacco companies. Boy, these guys never rest. Now somebody's coming out with all natural cigarettes," says Jay Leno. "This is like making bullets that contain 10 essential vitamins and minerals."

A woman is out to break the Guinness Book of Records mark for being in a chamber with the largest number of scorpions, says Hamilton. "The old record is held by Lance Ito."

The Air Force concluded that reports of alien bodies at Roswell, N.M., in 1947 were actually crash test dummies used in parachute experiments. "Not to be confused with the dummies who believe they've been abducted by aliens," explains Mark Wheeler.

"Why does Batman have to name everything he owns with the word 'bat?'" asks Jay Leno. "he's got the Batcave, the Batmobile, The Batphone. Like when he gets out of the shower, does he step on the Batmat?"

In the Sky: The Pentagon has admitted its new stealth bombers must be sheltered or exposed only to the most benign environment- low humidity, moderate temperatures, no moisture. "Embarrassed Air Force officials confirmed that they often have to call in the elite Scotchgard unit to keep them flying." (Bob Mills)

"The Stealth bomber doesn't work well in wet weather," says the Cutler Daily Scoop. "Here's hoping we never have to bomb Seattle."

The FAA is encouraging pilots to help watch for hazardous materials loaded onto their planes, says Bill Williams. "There is an added bonus for Continental pilots. By reading the labels on the freight, they'll know where they're supposed to land."

On Campus: Caltech students were named the nation's most sober by the Princeton Review. "CalTech students put all their energy into pranks," explains Argus Hamilton. "Sooner or later, the Russians are going to wonder why Mir is orbiting O.J.'s house." Charlie Manson was transferred after drug trafficking in prison. "Prison officials were concerned that he'd expose other murderers to drugs," says Johnny Robish.

"How crazy do you have to be to buy drugs from Charles Manson?" asks Leno. "Hey, Charlie, those drugs aren't dangerous are they?' 'No, I do them all the time.'"

The Redskins fined wide receiver Michael Westbrook $50,000 for punching out teammate Stephen Davis during practice last week. "Who knows why these things happen? One minute you're discussing Einstein's failed quest for a unified field theory, the next you're pounding each other's brains in." (Daily Scoop)

Teamsters president Rob Carey, facing a new election, is creating a sensation in Washington, says Stan Kaplan. "He is accused of accepting illegal campaign contributions from Americans."

"Football season is here again," says Russ Myers. "The way you can

tell is that domestic conversation is limited to, 'What's the score?' 'How many minutes till half-time?' and 'Have you read my divorce lawyer's letter yet?'"

"The Cowboys' Deion Sanders announced at the practice filed that he had found peace in his life," says Argus Hamilton. "Just in time. They haven't had any peace around there since they took away Barry Switzer's gun."

In the News: The Paula Jones case will be heard May 28. "President Clinton vowed to fight this case," says Hamilton. "He doesn't know how to sexually harass a woman and he's got the lack of military experience to prove it."

"Two high-ranking North Korean diplomats have defected to the U.S. And why not?" asks Zack Taylor. "We've got it all -- life, liberty and the return of Donny and Marie."

"There was some confusion when one insisted on surrendering only to Hawkeye Pierce." (Perisho)

"Let me see if I have this straight," says David Letterman. "Dallas Cowboys head coach Barry Switzer was arrested with a loaded .38- caliber gun while he was entering an airport. I think I speak for football fans everywhere when I say, 'What? No strippers? No hookers? No drugs?'"

Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said he was very angry when he heard about Switzer's arrest. "He's one to talk," says Argus Hamilton. "Here's a guy who once read that drinking is bad for your health, so he gave up reading."

"The good news for Barry," says Jay Leno, "is when his day comes up for court, he'll be able to carpool to the courthouse with the other Cowboys."

Heat Wave: "It's so hot in L.A., the air started to expand and the heads of three Spice Girls exploded." (Jay Leno)

When Peter Chiafos, Jr., was arrested in Cedar Rapids, Iowa, he had an explanation. Charged with sexual misconduct for fondling a 6-year-old boy and a 7-year-old girl, Chiafos told police

he was "not himself" and had possibly been "overcome" by air freshener he had sprayed in his truck. Judge William Thomas was not impressed by the explanation: he sentenced Chiafos to 10 years in prison. (Cedar Rapids Gazette) ...Don't worry, Pete: your fellow inmates in the showers aren't themselves. They were overcome by the steam. Feel better?

Police in Hamurana, New Zealand, stopped a car because its passengers were acting "suspiciously". Once the officer approached the car, he noticed one of the passengers "appeared to be cuddling a large woolly object." A live sheep. Three more were baaing from the trunk. The passengers, four men aged 17, 24, 27 and 32, were charged with the theft of the four animals. (New Zealand Herald) ...So much for their plans to practice animal husbandry.

The Vatican's newspaper, Osservatore Romano, quoted "staunch moralist theologian" Father Gino Concetti as saying, "Homosexuals do have the right to be considered to be different, to practice their homosexuality, to live together, to make up a couple and to have children. They do have the right to adopt children and even to demand social rights." An angry Concetti sought an explanation: he said that wasn't what he wrote for the paper. Editor Gianfranco Grieco claims a computer virus removed several "nots" from the article. "These things do happen," he claimed. (AFP) ...Now that IS news: The Vatican has a shortage of "nots"!

Pacific Gas & Electric Company says sorry, it looks like that was their fault. Dawn Mabalon says she parked her Toyota over a manhole in San Francisco. Under the street, PG&E says they had accidentally hooked up a new natural gas pipe to an old, leaky pipe. Seeping gas flooded the utility space, then came up through the manhole and into Mabalon's engine compartment. When she turned the key to start the engine, the gas -- and her car -- exploded. Mablon and her passenger were slightly injured. "I'll never park on that side of the street again," she said. (UPI) ...Right. Next time, for safety, park in front of the Greasy Chili Diner.

"Caribbean Bananas Are Ethical Bananas --UK Minister", "British MPs to Drink Ethically Produced Coffee" -- Reuters headlines run on the same day

When Albert Einstein was making the rounds of the speaker's circuit, he usually found himself eagerly longing to get back to his laboratory work. One night as they were driving to yet another rubber-chicken dinner, Einstein mentioned to his chauffeur (a man who somewhat resembled Einstein in looks & manner) that he was tired of speechmaking.

"I have and idea, boss," his chauffeur said. "I've heard you give this speech so many times. I'll bet I could give it for you."

Einstein laughed loudly and said, "Why not? Let's do it!"

When they arrive at the dinner, Einstein donned the chauffeur's cap and jacket and sat in the back of the room. The chauffeur gave a beautiful rendition of Einstein's speech and even answered a few questions expertly.

Then a supremely pompous professor asked an extremely esoteric question about anti-matter formation, digressing here and there to let everyone in the audience know that he was nobody's fool.

Without missing a beat, the chauffeur fixed the professor with a steely stare and said, "Sir, the answer to that question is so simple that I will let my chauffeur, who is sitting in the back, answer it for me."