While making his rounds one Christmas morning, Santa dropped down through yet another chimney. During the process of distributing packages, noticed the most beautiful young lady he'd ever seen approaching him from the hallway.

She stopped about 10 feet or so away and said in a very sexy voice........"tee hee hee, Santa won't you stay and play with me?" Santa being very surprized, replied "Ho Ho Ho, Santa's gotta go....got a lot of toys to deliver you know."

She then dropped one strap of her nightgown revealing one of her breasts and said again in an even sexier voice........"tee hee hee, Santa won't you stay and play with me?" Santa being even more surprized, replied "Ho Ho Ho, Santa's gotta go....got a lot of toys to deliver you know."

With that, she dropped the entire nightgown to the floor and said in her most sexy voice possible........"tee hee hee, Santa won't you please stay and play with me?" Santa then stood up straight and answered "Hey Hey Hey, Santa's gotta stay....can't get up the chimney this a way."

A man is driving home late one night and is feeling very horny, as he is passing a pumpkin patch, his mind starts to wander. He thinks to himself, you know a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there is no one around here for miles. He pulls over to the side of the road, picks out a nice juicy looking pumpkin, cuts the appropriate size hole in it, and begins to screw the pumpkin. After a while he is really into it, and doesn't notice the police car pulling up. The cop walks over and says, "Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?" The man looks at the cop in complete horror, thinks fast and says, "A pumpkin? Is it midnight already?"

1. In Kentucky, 50 percent of the people who get married for the first time are teenagers.

2. Kotex was first manufactured as bandages, during W.W.I.

3. Einstein couldn't speak fluently when he was nine. His parents thought he might be retarded.

4. In Los Angeles, there are fewer people than there are automobiles.

5. About a third of all Americans flush the toilet while they're still sitting on it.

6. You're more likely to get stung by a bee on a windy day than in any other weather.

7. An average person laughs about 15 times a day.

8. Research indicates that mosquitoes are attracted to people who have recently eaten bananas.

9. Penguins can jump as high as 6 feet in the air.

10. The average person is about a quarter of an inch taller at night.

11. A sneeze zooms out of your mouth at over 600 m.p.h.

12. The condom - made originally of linen - was invented in the early 1500's.

13. The first known contraceptive was crocodile dung, used by Egyptians in 2000 B.C.

14. A Saudi Arabian woman can get a divorce if her husband doesn't give her coffee.

15. The Neanderthal's brain was bigger than yours is.

16. Donald Duck comics were banned from Finland because he doesn't wear pants.

17. The average bank teller loses about $250 every year.

18. In 1980, there was only one country in the world with no telephones - Bhutan.

19. Every person has a unique tongue print.

20. Your right lung takes in more air than your left one does.

21. Women's hearts beat faster than men's.

22. Pollsters say that 40 percent of dog and cat owners carry pictures of the pets in their wallets.

23. Bubble gum contains rubber.

24. You can only smell 1/20th as well as a dog.

25. Only 55 percent of all Americans know that the sun is a star.

26. The sound of E.T. walking was made by someone squishing her hands in Jello.

27. Even if you cut off a cockroach's head, it can live for several weeks.

28. Most American car horns honk in the key of F.

29. The world population of chickens is about equal to the number of people.

30. Every time Beethoven sat down to write music, he poured ice water over his head.

31. In 75% of American households, women manage the money and pay the bills.

32. A monkey was once tried and convicted for smoking a cigarette in South Bend, Indiana.

33. About 70 percent of Americans who go to college do it just to make more money.

34. It's against the law to catch fish with your bare hands in Kansas.

35. Some toothpastes contain antifreeze.

36. Sigmund Freud had a morbid fear of ferns.

37. Millie the White House dog earned more than 4 times as much as President Bush in 1991.

38. Bird droppings are the chief export of Nauru, an island nation in the Western Pacific.

39. There are more plastic flamingos in America than real ones.

40. Most lipstick contains fish scales.

41. Lee Harvey Oswald's cadaver tag sold at an auction for $6,600 in 1992.

42. Mosquitoes have teeth.

43. Spotted skunks do handstands before they spray.

44. Hypnotism is banned by public schools in San Diego.

45. The three best-known western names in China: Jesus Christ, Richard Nixon, and Elvis Presley.

46. When snakes are born with two heads, they fight each other for food.

47. Most cows give more milk when they listen to music.

48. 27 percent of U.S. male college students believe life is "a meaningless existential hell."

49. In 1980, a Las Vegas hospital suspended workers for betting on when patients would die.

50. Aztec emperor Montezuma had a nephew, Cuitlahac, whose name meant "plenty of excrement."

51. Thomas Edison was afraid of the dark. (Hence, the light bulb?)

52. "Kemo Sabe" means "soggy shrub" in Navajo

5. Of course I like your cat.

4. I'm from the Government, and I'm here to help you.

3. But Officer, I only had 3 beers!

2. The check is in the mail.

And the number one best lie of all time...

1. "This is a one-time mailing. If you do not respond, you will receive no further mailings from us."

An Australian travel writer was checking out of the Spokane Hilton, and as he paid his bill said to the manager, "By the way, what's with the Indian chief sitting in the lobby? He's been there ever since I arrived."

"Oh that's 'Big Chief Forget-me Not'," said the manager. "The hotel is built on an Indian reservation, and part of the agreement is to allow the chief free use of the premises for the rest of his life. He is known as 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' because of his phenomenal memory. He is 92 and can remember the slightest detail of his life." The travel writer took this in, and as he was waiting for his cab decided to put

the chief's memory to the test.

"'ello, mate!" said the Aussie, receiving only a slight nod in return. "What did you have for breakfast on your 21st birthday?"

"Eggs," was the chief's instant reply, without even looking up, and he was amazed at his quick answer.

He went off on his travel writing itinerary, right across to the east coast and back, telling others of Big Chief Forget-me Not's great memory. (One local noted to him that 'How' was a more appropriate greeting for an Indian chief than ''ello mate.') On his return to the Spokane Hilton six months later was surprised to see 'Big Chief Forget-me Not' still sitting in the lobby, fully occupied with whittling away on a stick.

"How?" said the Aussie. "Scrambled," said the Chief.

=====================================

=====================================

Mabel, who is 60 years old, goes to her doctor for her annual physical. He examines her thoroughly and says "Mabel, i've got good news and bad news for you."

Mabel said "What's the good news?" The doctor says "You are in wonderful shape. I can't find anything at all wrong with you."

Mabel then asked "What's the bad news?"

The doctor said "You're pregnant!" Mabel flew out of his office.

She was very upset, and ran home and called her husband at work. When he answered, she said "You old goat-you got me pregnant!"

After a long pause, he said "Who's calling?"

=====================================

=====================================

Guy leaves the bar, hoping he can get home early enough not to piss his wife off for drinking after work. He gets home and finds his boss in bed with his wife.

Later, back at the bar, the guy tells the bartender the story, "Wow, that's awful, what did you do?"

"Well, I carefully snuck back out the door, and hi-tailed it back here, shoot, they we're just getting started, so I figure, I got time for a couple more beers.

A New Yorker was flying to Los Angeles and when the airliner reached Arizona the announcement was made that they were now passing over the Grand Canyon. He looked down for a few seconds and then went back to his magazine. The stewardess said, "You don't seem too impressed." The New Yorker said, "You've seen one pothole, you've seen them all!"

=====================================

===================================== A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either."

Sign on an electrician's truck: "Let Us Remove Your Shorts."

Sign Outside a radiator repair shop: "Best Place in Town to Take a Leak."

Sign in a Realtor's office: "Lots for little."

Sign in a shoe store: "Come in and have a fit."

Sign in a maternity clothes store: "We are open on labor day."

Sign in a non-smoking area: "If we see you smoking we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."

Sign on the door of the maternity ward: "Push Push Push."

Sign in a bookstore: "We treat you write."

Sign in an optometrist's office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."

Sign in a podiatrist's window:

"Time wounds all heels."

Sign in a butcher's window: "Let me meat your needs."

Sign on used car lot: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."

Sign in a muffler shop: "No appointment necessary. We'll hear you coming."

Sign at a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people."

What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead snake on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the snake.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke.

=====================================

=====================================

This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking.

He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olafsen's Laundry".

"Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?".

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?".

The old man answers "Is name of owner." The visitor asks "Well, who in the heck is the owner?". "I am he", answers the old man. "You? How in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go 'What your name?' He say Hans Olaffsen." She look at me..."What your name?". I say, "Sem Ting."

"If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around

your neck?".

"The doctor gave me good news," said the man. "Yes, he said that I was in great health for a man twice my age."

"I swear... half of the people in this world don't have the sense that God gave a rock... The other half do!"

"I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? This is my idea of a perfect day!"

I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody that's 34 inches or 34 years can fit into that stuff.

THE MOST DANGEROUS LIE IS THAT WHICH MOST CLOSELY RESEMBLES THE TRUTH

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again.

Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid.

If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.

Marriage is Grand... Divorce is 20 Grand...

Two rules for life: 1: Don't tell people everything you know 2:

"If a man speaks in the forest and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?"

I was out driving and a cop stopped me. He said, "Don't you know that the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?" I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

You can't have everything - where would you put it?

I bought powdered water, but didn't know what to add.

I once met a subliminal advertising executive. But just for a second.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I once tried to microwave instant coffee, and went back in time.

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What

is this, Father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction. The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24 year old woman stepped out.

The father said to his son, "Go get your Mother."

This past fall semester, at Duke University, there were two sophomores who were taking Organic Chemistry and who did pretty well on all of the quizzes and the midterms and labs, etc., such that going into the final they had a solid 'A'. These two friends were so confident going into the final that the weekend before finals week, even though the Chem final was on Monday, they decided to go up to University of Virginia and party with some friends up there. So they did this and had a great time. However, with their hangovers and everything, they overslept all day Sunday and didn't make it back to Duke until early Monday morning.

Rather than taking the final then, what they did was to find Professor Aldric after the final and explain to him why they missed the final. They told him that they went up to UVA for the weekend, and had planned to come back in time to study, but that they had a flat tire on the way back and didn't have a spare and couldn't get help for a long time and so were late

getting back to campus.

Aldric thought this over and then agreed that they could make up the final on the following day. The two guys were elated and relieved. So, they studied that night and went in the next day at the time that Aldric had told them. He placed them in separate rooms and handed each of them a test booklet and told them to begin.

They looked at the first problem, which was something simple about free radical formation and was worth 5 points. "Cool" they thought, "this is going to be easy." They did that problem and then turned the page. They were unprepared, however, for what they saw on the next page.

It said: (95 points) Which tire?

TO MY DARLING HUSBAND,

I am sending you this letter via this BBS communications thing, so that you will be sure to read it. Please forgive the deception, but I thought you should know what has been going on at home since your computer entered our lives TWO YEARS AGO. The children are doing well. Tommy is seven now and is a bright, handsome boy. He has developed quite an interest in the arts. He drew a family portrait for a school project, all the figures were good, and the back of your head is very realistic. You should be very proud of him.

Little Jennifer turned three in September. She looks a lot like you did at that age. She is an attractive child and quite smart. She still remembers that you spent the whole afternoon with us on her birthday. What a grand day for Jenny, despite the fact that it was

stormy and the electricity was out.

I am doing well. I went blonde about a year ago, and discovered that it really is more fun! George, I mean, Mr. Wilson the department head, has uh, taken an interest in my career and has become a good friend to us all.

I discovered that the household chores are much easier since I realized that you didn't mind being vacuumed but that feather dusting made you sneeze. The house is in good shape. I had the living room painted last spring; I'm sure you noticed it. I made sure that the painters cut holes in the drop sheet so you wouldn't be disturbed.

Well, my dear, I must be going. Uncle George, uh, Mr. Wilson, I mean, is taking us all on a ski trip and there is packing to do. I have hired a housekeeper to take care of things while we are away, she'll keep things in order, fill your coffee cup and bring your meals to your desk, just the way you like it. I hope you and the computer will have a lovely time while we are gone. Tommy, Jenny and I will think of you often. Try to remember us while your disks are booting.

Love, Karen

Lacy things - the wife is missin,

Didn't ask - her permission,

I'm wearin' her clothes,

Her silk pantyhose,

Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the store - there's a teddy,

Little straps - like spaghetti,

It holds me so tight,

Like handcuffs at night,

Walkin' round in women's underwear.

In the office there's a guy named Marvin,

He pretends that I am Murphy Brown.

He'll say, "Are you ready?" I'll say, "Whoa, Man!"

"Let's wait until our wives are out of town!"

Later on, if you wanna,

We can dress - like Madonna,

Put on some eyeshade,

And join the parade,

Walkin' round in women's underwear!

'Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house Not a creature was stirring, except Papa's mouse. The computer was humming, the icons were hopping, As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software. The children were nestled all snug in their beds, While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

PageMaker for Billy, and Quicken for Dan, And Carmen Sandiego for Pamela Ann. The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom, To santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com -

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State Because Santa's workshop has been bought by Bill Gates. All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare, St. Nicholas is suddenly a new billionaire, With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh, And a house on Lake Washington that's just down the way >From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans. The elves have stock options and desks with a view, Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or toy soldiers or little toy drums (ahem - pardon me) No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive, From now on Christmas runs only on Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came, And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name. "Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too, Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through,

It is Microsoft's SANTA that the kids can't resist, It's the ultimate software with a traditional twist - Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf, And on the package, a picture of Santa himself.

Get 'em young, keep 'em long, is Microsoft's scheme, And a merger with Santa is a marketer's dream. To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow! Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!"

And Mama in her 'kerchief and I in my cap, Had just settled down for a long winter's nap, When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, The whir and the hum of our satellite platter, As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky, The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy. As I sprang from my bed and was turning around, My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates. And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright, Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Are you having a hard time finding the right gift for the computer adict whose PC has everything? Not another Dilbert necktie, or King's Quest XLVIII. Try one of these.

- CD-ROM rewinder. (For blondes only.)

- Virtual reality beer.

- NoseBlaster smell card -- the latest in multi-media technology. The deluxe version comes with direct-feed nostril tubes for the ultimate in virtual olfactory experience.

- True-Type font modelled on my handwriting. The last word in non-reversible encryption. (May not be exported from the country.)

- 72-inch monitor.

- 20-foot mouse extension cord - a must for the 72-inch monitor.

- Michael Jackson-to-Michael Jackson Morph screen saver -- endless variations.

- Bedpan -- Why leave your computer just for that? (Not for use with NoseBlaster.)

- The secret to what this emoticon means - }:{o