===========================================
Basic Rules For Dogs Who Have A Yard To Protect
<For Staci and Mikelle.>
===========================================
VISITORS: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge
across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If
the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and
growl gently to show your concern.
BARKING: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark--- a
lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their
house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in
their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep
waking up in the middle of the night and earing your protective bark,
bark, bark...
LICKING: Always take a BIG drink from your water dish immediately
before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to
fetch your human a towel.
HOLES: Rather than digging a BIG hole in the middle of the yard and
upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so
they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of
each hole, maybe they'll hink it's gophers. There are never enough
holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this
problem.
DOORS: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the
family dog to sleep.
THE ART OF SNIFFING: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your
duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.
DINING ETIQUETTE: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially
when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the
floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.
HOUSEBREAKING: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as
much of the house as possible.
GOING FOR WALKS: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your
master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.
COUCHES: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all
your humans have gone to bed.
PLAYING: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use
the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.
CHASING CATS: When chasing cats, make sure you never--- quite--- catch
them. It spoils all the fun.
CHEWING: Make a contribution to the fashion industry. ...Eat a shoe.
===========================================
BART SIMPSON'S PUNISHMENT
===========================================
The opening credits of "The Simpsons" shows Bart Simpson writing
on
the school chalk board the same sentence over and over again, (the
ole "write it 100 times" punishment). Each episode however the
sentence is different. Someone (not me, thank you) went to the
trouble to tape the shows, watch and copy down the sentences that
Bart writes on the chalk board. The following are the collected
writings of Bart Simpson from the opening credits. Even if you're
not a fan, you'll like these:
I will not carve gods.
I will not spank others.
I will not aim for the head.
I will not barf unless I'm sick
I will not expose the ignorance of the faculty.
I saw nothing unusual in the teacher's lounge.
I will not conduct my own fire drills.
Funny noises are not funny.
I will not snap bras.
I will not fake seizures.
This punishment is not boring and pointless.
My name is not Dr. Death.
I will not defame New Orleans.
I will not prescribe medication.
I will not bury the new kid.
I will not teach others to fly.
I will not bring sheep to class.
A burp is not an answer.
Teacher is not a leper.
Coffee is not for kids.
I will not eat things for money.
I will not yell "She's Dead" at roll call.
The principal's toupee is not a Frisbee.
I will not call the principal "spud head".
Goldfish don't bounce.
Mud is not one of the 4 food groups.
No one is interested in my underpants.
I will not sell miracle cures.
I will return the seeing-eye dog.
I do not have diplomatic immunity.
I will not charge admission to the bathroom.
The cafeteria deep fryer is not a toy.
All work and no play makes Bart a dull boy.
I will not say "Springfield" just to get applause.
I am not authorized to fire substitute teachers.
My homework was not stolen by a one-armed man.
I will not go near the kindergarten turtle.
I am not deliciously saucy.
Organ transplants are best left to professionals.
The Pledge of Allegiance does not end with "Hail Satan".
I will not celebrate meaningless milestones.
There are plenty of businesses like show business.
Five days is not too long to wait for a gun.
I will not waste chalk.
I will not skateboard in the halls.
Underwear should be worn on the inside.
I will never win an emmy.
The Christmas Pageant does not stink.
I will not torment the emotionally frail.
===========================================
===========================================
Police in Kinshasa, Zaire have arrested a duck suspected of
sorcery. The duck was taken into custody after shattering the
windshield of a minibus. Passengers apparently blamed the "evil
duck" for the accident... police suspect fowl play...
====================================
In a related story, police in Albuquerque are looking for a
giant yellow inflatable duck kidnapped from a local car dealer.
A truck was also stolen, said General Manager Joey Latkany, but
"our first priority would be to get the duck back." The duck
was a
favorite of local schoolchildren... surprisingly, there was no mention
of sorcery in this item...
====================================
A Russian factory worker who had not been paid in months nailed
his hand to a wall in protest this week. According to the Interfax
news agency, the man has "threatened to use a much stronger staple
next time..." oh no, not that...
====================================
The news from Indochina isn't much better. According to the
Vietnam News, at least four people have died in recent weeks,
electrocuted by faulty wiring in their karaoke machines... and now for
my big finish...
====================================
Garden implements of destruction: A woman in Dade City,
Florida attacked her husband with a garden hoe, a piece of pipe, and a
rifle this week. Deborah Adams was reportedly angry after her husband
took away the keys to their riding lawnmower so she wouldn't drive
drunk...
====================================
And a Vietnamese woman is in jail after a bit of love play
turned deadly. Siek Phan was cutting firewood when her husband
sneaked up behind to "tickle her." In her surprise, she swung
around with the axe...
====================================
Malvin Marshall spent six weeks in a South Carolina jail for
carrying what police thought was heroin. For some reason, they didn't
believe Marshall's story that the packet contained "mushy vitamins."
Marshall was released after lab tests showed he was telling the
truth...
====================================
In a surprise decision, police in L.A. have returned 6,400
bayonets to the military, after carefully determining that they
have no use for them. "We can imagine no circumstances whatsoever,"
said an ACLU attorney, "where it would be appropriate for a local
police agency to put a bayonet on the end of a rifle..." except
perhaps to stem the tide of mushy vitamins...
====================================
In our Giants of Science department this week, researchers at
Laval University in Quebec have unveiled a prototype of an "invisible
condom." The invention is a polymer-based liquid that solidifies at
body temperature... yeah, sure, I'm wearing one...
====================================
House of Ill Repute for sale: Callers to a real estate phone
service in Rhode Island got a surprise when they dialed an 800 number
that was supposed to feature information on homes for sale. Instead,
callers were connected to the "Pleasure Club Hotline," and invited
to
talk to "hot horny willing girls..." now my phone bill is more
than
the downpayment...
====================================
A woman in charge of coordinating crime prevention programs at
Arizona State University has been arrested for burglary and theft...
====================================
The chief and deputy chief of Mexico City's Anti-Kidnapping
unit were kidnapped last week, and are still missing...
====================================
Two hearses collided in Abidjan, Ivory Coast last week. One
driver was killed... and the passengers were declared really dead...
====================================
Doctors in London have issued a health warning on a new
condition: Clubber's Nipple. The problem, showing up in dance club
patrons, is caused by "jumping up and down for eight hours in nylon
or
string vests..."
====================================
A state prosecutor in Marseilles, France has ruled the death of
politician a suicide, despite the fact that the man was shot five
times. Authorities are sticking to their theory that Andre Isolde shot
himself in the wrist, stomach, groin, and throat, before finally
aiming at his head...
====================================
Senators William B. Spong of Virginia and Hiram Fong of Hawaii
sponsored a bill recommending the mass ringing of church bells to
welcome the arrival in Hong Kong of the U.S. Table Tennis Team after
its tour of Communist China... the bill failed, however, cheating the
Senate out of passing the Spong-Fong Hong Kong Ping Pong Ding Dong
Bell Bill...
====================================
The Top 15 Questions on the Spice Girl Job Application
====================================
15> In space provided, tell us why you want, why you really,
really, want this job. [ ]
14> Do you have any detectable vestige of talent, besides your
hooters?
13> Would it, like, bother you to be the target of unrelenting
hatred?
12> How would you best describe yourself?
( ) An energetic self-starter
( ) A team player
( ) A tasty, albeit untalented, bit of crumpet
11> True or false: A mosh pit is the seed of the mosh fruit. __
10> "I am willing to trade sexual favors for a career in the music
industry." ( )Yes ( )No
9> How many times have you been kicked out of a karaoke bar?
8> Does nudity bother you? If so, should I put my clothes back on?
7> Explain the difficulties in identifying the source of
individual free will in light of the deterministic theories of
neurochemical medicine and modern behavioralist psychology. Just
kidding!! Seriously, do you like leather mini-skirts?
6> Are you deceptively attractive in colored or stroboscopic light?
5> Choose an appropriate nickname: Sexy, Nasty, Sweetie, Chlamydia.
4> Have you ever been convicted of combining vertical and
horizontal stripes?
3> If two trains leave Liverpool an hour apart at 90 kilometers,
and 75 kilometers an hour, respectively, how would you look in
spandex?
2> Does the term "force majeure in perpetuity" make you afraid
or
just giggly?
and the Number 1 Question on the Spice Girl Job Application...
1> If required as part of your deal with Satan, would you be
willing to help alleviate Prince Charles's loneliness?
====================================
THE WRONG SIDE OF THE BED
====================================
A young priest gets up in the morning and goes to breakfast. On his
way there two nuns look at him and he says, "Good morning sisters"
and
they reply in a sing song manner, "You got up on the wrong side of
the
bed this morning."
This stuns the priest who thought he had been very polite but he just
goes on. He encounters a Brother a little while later along the way
and he says,"Good morning Brother." The Brother replies in a
sing
song voice, "You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."
The priest looks confused at all this but goes on.
He gets a little farther and he comes across a fellow priest and he
says, "Good morning Father." the priest replies in a sing song
manner,
"You got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning." Now the
priest was mad. He continues his walk to the dinning hall not saying
a word to anyone. The Bishop sees him and says, "Father ..."
The
young priest was not going to take any more even from the bishop. He
looks at the bishop and says, "No I did not get up on the wrong side
of the bed this morning." The bishop looks at him stunned and says
"What?" The priest realized his mistake and said "I am sorry
your
holiness, what is it you want." The bishop looks at him and says,
"All I was going to do was ask you why you had on Sister Ann's shoes?"
~~~~~~~
How do you get a Nun pregnant?
`
`
`
`
Dress her up as a choir boy!
====================================
====================================
A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam.
The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room
and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.
Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed
that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's
desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.
When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first
exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the
glove is for... but what's the BEER for?" At this instant, the
doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door.
The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse,
"Dammit, nurse!!! I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"
====================================
True Story......
====================================
IN MICHIGAN A MAN PURCHASED A BRAND NEW
FORD EXPLORER
FOR THE CURRENT DUCK HUNTING SEASON. HE LOADED UP HIS
HUNTING GEAR, BROUGHT HIS LOYAL HUNTING DOG AND PICKED
UP HIS FRIEND ONE WEEKEND TO GO DUCK HUNTING.
IN MICHIGAN ONE WAY TO ENTICE THE DUCKS INTO LANDING OR
FLYING LOW ENOUGH TO SHOOT THEM IS TO SET UP DECOYS ON
ONE OF THE LOCAL FROZEN LAKES AND WAIT FOR THE DUCKS TO
JOIN THEIR LOOK ALIKE PLASTIC FRIENDS. THESE HUNTERS
DECIDED TO TAKE IT ONE STEP FURTHER AND BLOW A HOLE INTO
THE ICE WITH DYNAMITE TO ENHANCE THE REALISM OF THE
DUCKS SWIMMING ON THE WATER,(AS A SIDE NOTE; MICHIGAN
PROHIBITS USE OF DYNAMITE IN ANY FORM OF HUNTING AND
FISHING).
AS THEY DROVE ONTO THE ICE WITH THE EXPLORER AND CAME
TO THE AREA THEY DETERMINED WOULD BE IDEAL TO PLACE THE
DECOYS, THEY BROUGHT OUT THE DYNAMITE. UNFORTUNATELY
THE FUSES TO THE DYNAMITE WERE RATHER SHORT, NOT
ALLOWING FOR A LOT OF TIME TO ESCAPE ON THE SLIPPERY ICE
ONCE IT HAD BEEN LIT.THEY DECIDED THEY WOULD JUST LIGHT
THE DYNAMITE AND THROW IT AS FAR AS THEY COULD AND NOT
EVEN HAVE TOP RUN TO ESCAPE THE EXPLOSION.
AS THE DYNAMITE SAILED IN THE AIR THE TRUSTY HUNTING DOG
TOOK OFF TO RETRIEVE THE STICK OF DYNAMITE - AS HE WAS
TRAINED TO DO HUNDREDS OF TIMES WITH AN ORDINARY STICK.
AS THE DOG RUSHED TO RETURN THE STICK TO HIS OWNER, THE
HUNTERS SCREAMING FOR THE DOG TO DROP THE DYNAMITE TO
NO AVAIL, PANICKED AND DECIDED TO SHOOT THE DOG BEFORE
HE REACHED THEM.
AS LUCK WOULD HAVE IT, THE HUNTERS HAD LOADED THE
SHOTGUNS WITH LOWER CALIBER BIRD SHOT USED FOR DUCK
HUNTING, AS THE SHOT PATTERN SPREAD OUT TOWARDS THE DOG
IT SCARED HIM RATHER THAN STOPPING HIM. THE DOG
PROCEEDED TO RUN AND HIDE FROM THE HUNTERS,
UNFORTUNATELY HIS HIDING CHOICE WAS UNDER THE NEW
EXPLORER.
AS THE EXPLOSION RANG OUT, THE EXPLORER ALONG WITH WHAT
WAS LEFT OF THE DOG, SANK TO THE BOTTOM OF THE LAKE DUE
TO THE PERFECT SIZED HOLE BEING BLOWN IN THE LAKE ICE AS
PLANNED BY THE DYNAMITE.
THE INSURANCE COMPANY HAS DENIED THE CLAIM TURNED IN BY
THE HUNTER ON THE EXPLORER, SINCE USING DYNAMITE FOR
HUNTING AND FISHING IS ILLEGAL IN MICHIGAN. THE GENTLEMAN
IS STILL RESPONSIBLE FOR THE REMAINING 47 MONTHLY AUTO
PAYMENTS ON THE EXPLORER.
====================================
When a man attempted to siphon
gasoline from a motor home parked on a Seattle street, he got much more
than he bargained for. Police arrived at the scene to find an ill man curled
up next to a motor home near spilled sewage. A police spokesman said that
the man admitted to trying to steal gasoline and plugged his hose into
the motor home's sewage tank by mistake. The owner
of the vehicle declined to press charges, saying that it was the best laugh
he'd ever had.
====================================
A woman was reporting her car stolen, and mentioned that there was a car
phone in it. The policeman taking the report called the phone and told
the guy
that answered it that he had read the ad in the newspaper and wanted to
buy the car. They arranged to meet, and the thief was arrested.
====================================
====================================
Strangest US Laws
Minnesota:
--It is illegal to tease skunks.
--Every man in Brainerd is required by law to grow a beard.
Michigan:
--A state law stipulates that a woman's hair legally belongs to her
husband.
--Under state law, dentists are officially classified as
"mechanics."
--In Clawson, it is legal for a man to "sleep with his pigs, cows,
horses, goats, and chickens."
New York:
--In Saten Island, it is illegal for a father to call his son a
faggot or queer in an effort to curb girlie behavior.
--In NYC, "it is disorderly conduct for one man to greet another on
the street by placing the end of his thumb against the tip of his
nose and wiggling the extended fingers of that hand."
North Carolina:
--It is illegal to have sex in a Churchyard.
--It is illegal to make love on the floor of a hotel room between
two double beds.
Oklahoma:
--Whale hunting is strictly forbidden.
--People who make "ugly faces" at dogs may be fined and/or jailed.
Ohio:
--In Columbus, it is illegal for stores to sell corn flakes on
Sunday.
--In Oxford, it is illegal for a woman to disrobe in front of a
man's picture.
--In Youngstown, it is illegal to run out of gas.
Oregon:
--The town of Hood River prohibits the act of juggling without a
license.
Montana:
--In Whitehall, it is illegal to operate a vehicle with ice picks
attached to the wheels.
--It is a felony for a wife to open her husband's mail.
Nebraska:
--If a child burps during a church service in Omaha, his or her
parents may be arrested.
--It is illegal for a mother to give her daughter a perm without a
state license.
Florida:
--Unmarried women who parachute on Sunday's will be jailed.
Georgia:
--In Quitman, it is illegal for a chicken to cross the road.
--In Columbus, it is illegal to sit on one's porch in an indecent
position.
Pennsylvania:
--"Any motorist who sights a team of horses coming toward him must
pull well off the road, cover his car with a blanket or canvas that
blends with the countryside, and let the horses pass. If the horses
appear skittish, the motorist must take his car apart piece by
piece, and hide it under the nearest bushes."
Rhode Island:
--Its illegal to throw pickle juice on a trolley.
Tennessee:
--It is illegal to use a lasso to catch a fish.
--In Dyersburg, it is illegal for a woman to call a man for a date.
--In Memphis, it is illegal for a woman to drive by herself; "a man
must walk or run in front of the vehicle, waving a red flag in order
to warn approaching pedestrians and motorists."
Texas:
--The entire Encyclopedia Britannica is banned because it contains
a formula for making beer at home.
-It is illegal to milk another person's cow.
Utah:
--A husband is responsible for every criminal act committed by his
wife in his presence.
Virginia:
--In Richmond, it is illegal to flip a coin in any eating
establishment to determine who buys a cup of coffee.
--In Lebanon, it is illegal to kick your wife out of bed.
Vermont:
--It is illegal to deny the existence of God.
--It is illegal to whistle underwater.
--Women must obtain written permission from their husbands to wear
false teeth.
Arkansas:
--A man can legally beat his wife, but no more than once a month.
California:
--In L.A., a man may legally beat his wife with a leather strap, as
long as it is less than 2 inches wide, or she gives him permission
to use a wider strap.
--It is a misdemeanor to shoot any kind of game from a moving
vehicle, unless the target is a whale.
Massachusetts:
--It is illegal to wear a goatee without a license.
--North Andover prohibits its citizens from carrying "space guns."
--In 1659, the state outlawed Christmas.
Indiana:
--Monkey's are forbidden to smoke cigarettes in South Bend.
Illinois:
--In Chicago, it is illegal to take a french poodle to the Opera.
--According to state law, it is illegal to speak English. The
officially recognized language is "American."
--In Joliet, it is illegal to mispronounce the name Joliet
====================================
May I talk with...
====================================
The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about
an urgent problem with one of the main computers. He dialed the
employees home phone number and was greeted with a childs whispered,
"Hello?".
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster
the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?". "Yes.", whispered
the small
voice.
"May I talk with him?", the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No.".
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy
there?". "Yes.", came the answer. "May I talk with
her?". Again the
small voice whispered, "No.".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home
alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person
who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there any one there besides you?", the boss asked the child.
"Yes", whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employees home, the boss
asked, "May I speak with the policeman?". "No, he is busy.",
whispered the child. "Busy doing what?", asked the boss. "Talking
to
Daddy and Mommy and the Fireman.", came the whispered
answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a
helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What
is that noise?".
" A hello-copper.", answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?", asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team
just landed the hello-copper!".
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated the boss
asked, "Why are they there?".
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled
giggle, "They are looking for me!".
====================================
====================================
Sincerely,
Ron Huber
Tri-Lakes Internet Services, Inc. Adirondack Computers and Technologies
39 Saranac Avenue Lake Placid, NY 12946 518-523-0062