========================================
Deductions on Bill Clinton's Tax Return
========================================

14> Expenses incurred during "Diplomatic Missions" to Nevada's "Mustang Ranch."

13> 365 "Value Meal" business lunches.

12> Capital gain: Gennifer Flowers; Capital loss: Paula Jones

11> Colombian "catnip" as prescribed by the First Cat's veterinarian.

10> Duct tape, rope and locks for Roger's room.

9> Lincoln's Bedroom listed as Bed and Breakfast in Schedule C.

8> McDonald's deep fryer, installed in home gym.

7> Ghost of Eleanor Roosevelt claimed as a dependent.

6> Bar bill from the "Hail to the Chief Room" at Hooters.

5> $21,327 to Ronald McDonald House... No, wait-that's just McDonald's.

4> Hotline to Vatican for emergency confessions.

3> Chrome busty-babe silhouette mudflaps on Air Force One landing gear.

2> $10,000 for "I kicked Dole's ass!" bumper stickers.

1> Three words: Hookers, hookers, hookers!

========================================
Rules For Wives
========================================
<For Mrs. Tooker in PA>
(Carol, the second half is just for you.)
(Please no one else read it.)

The following is from a 1950's Home Economics textbook intended for
the High School girls, teaching how to prepare for married life.

****************************************************************
1. Have dinner ready: Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a
delicious meal - on time. This is a way of letting him know that you
have been thinking about him, and are concerned about his needs. Most
men are hungry when they come home and the prospects of a good meal
are part of the warm welcome needed.

2. Prepare yourself: Take 15 minutes to rest so you will be refreshed
when he arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and
be fresh looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people. Be
a little gay and a little more interesting. His boring day may need a
lift.

3. Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of
the house just before your husband arrives, gathering up school books,
toys, paper, etc. Then run a dust cloth over the tables. Your husband
will feel he has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give
you a lift too.

4. Prepare the children: Take a few minutes to wash the children's
hands and faces if they are small, comb their hair, and if necessary,
change their clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to
see them playing the part.

5. Minimize the noise: At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise
of washer, dryer, dishwasher, or vacuum. Try to encourage the children
to be quiet. Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and be
glad to see him.

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems or complaints. Don't
complain if he's late for dinner. Count this as minor compared with
what he might have gone through that day.

7. Make him comfortable: Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or
suggest he lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready
for him. Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in
a low, soft, soothing and pleasant voice. Allow him to relax and
unwind.

8. Listen to him: You may have a dozen things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first.

9. Make the evening his: Never complain if he does not take you out to
dinner or to other places of entertainment; instead try to understand
his world of strain and pressure and his need to be home and relax.

10. The Goal: Try to make your home a place of peace and order where
your husband can relax.

****************************************************************** Now
The updated version for the '90s woman.
<This is for Carol. No one else read this.>

1. Have dinner ready: Make reservations ahead of time. If your day
becomes too hectic just leave him a voice mail message regarding where
you'd like to eat and at what time. This lets him know that your day
has been crappy and gives him an opportunity to change your mood.

2. Prepare yourself: A quick stop at the "LANCOME" counter on your way
home will do wonders for your outlook and will keep you from becoming
irritated every time he belches at the table. (Don't forget to use his
credit card!)

3. Clear away the clutter: Call the housekeeper and let her know
you'll need her for an extra day this week. Tell her that any
miscellaneous items left on the floor by the children can be placed in
the Goodwill box in the garage.

4. Prepare the children: Drop them off at grandma's!

5. Minimize the noise: When he arrives at home remind him that the
washer and garbage disposal are still not working properly and the
noise is driving you crazy (but do this in a nice way and greet him
with a warm smile...this way he might fix it faster).

6. Some DON'TS: Don't greet him with problems and complaints. Let him
speak first, and then your complaints will get more attention and
remain fresh in his mind throughout dinner. Don't complain if he's
late for dinner. Simply remind him that the last one home does the
cooking and the cleanup.

7. Make him comfortable: Remind him where he can find a warm fuzzy
blanket if he's cold. This will show you really care.

8. Listen to him: But don't ever let him get the last word.

9. Make the evening his: a chance to get the washer and garbage
disposal fixed.

10. The Goal: To try to keep things amicable without reminding him
that you make more money than he does.

========================================
Rules To Be A Man
(100 ways to keep your Testosterone flowing)
========================================
1 Don't call, ever.

2 If you don't like a girl, don't tell her. It's more fun to let her
figure it out by herself.

3 Lie.

4 Name your penis. Be sure it is something narcissistic and
unoriginal, such as "spike"

5 If you lose something that belongs to someone else, tell them you
mailed it to them.

6 Here's a good pickup line, "My girlfiend's pregant, will you go
out with me?

7 Drink Vernors.

8 Play with yourself. Talk about it.

9 Be as ambiguous as possible. If you don't want to answer, a nice
grunt will do.

10 Always remember: You are a man. Therefore, no matter what, it
isn't your fault.

11 Lie

12 Girls find it attractive if a man has had more women than baths.

13 Never ask for help. Even if you really, really need help- don't
ask. People will think you have no penis.

14 Women like it when you ignore them. It arouses them.

15 Vanity is the most important trait for a man to have. Whenever
you pass a reflective surface, check you hair, clothing, etc.

16 If you don't like a girl, but can't think of a good enough reason
why,just come up with trite, meaningless explanations like, "I don't
know. I just don't like her personality."

17 If, GOD FORBID, you have to talk to a girl on the phone, use only
monosyllabic words and noises. Bodily noises are permissible.

18 TWO WORDS: Hack and spit.

19 Everyone finds a man more attractive if he can write his name in
urine.

20 One sure way to make a girl like you is to go after her best
friend. She will then see what she's missing and love you for not
giving up on her.

21 Tell her you will call. Then, refer back to rule #1.

22 Say things like "Wha...?"

23 Don't wear matching clothes. People will think your girlfriend
picked it out, and it will cramp your style on picking up chicks.

24 Lie.

25 Deny everthing. Everything.

26 Good break up line, "It's not you, it's me."

27 If you like a girl, tell all your female friends about her.
Because if any of your female friends like you, they'll really want
to know.

28 Don't have a clue.

29 If you get a clue, pretend you didn't and disregard it.

30 No means yes.

31 Yes means no.

32 If you don't get sex whenever you want, your balls will shrivel.
Enforce this rule at all times.

33 If anyone asks, you have had sex in all possible positions and
locations. Improvise.

34 Much like an orgasm signifies the end of a sexual peak, sex often
signifies the end of a relationship.

35 Feelings? What feelings?

36 Tell this to your girl before you have sex, "Don't worry. If you
don't have an orgasm, you won't get pregnant."

37 Life is one big competition. If someone is better than you at
anything, either pretend it's not true or kick some ass.

38 Gays are an unacceptable part of our society. Take it upon
yourself to personally irradicate all of them from the planet.

39 DO NOT make decisions about relationships. If you are backed
into a corner and must make a decision, stall. If you still must
come up with an answer, leave yourself a loophole for escape.
Example: Question: "Honey, will you take me out for a romantic
dinner?" Answer: "Yes, if you can guess how many sperm I produce
each day."

40 Every sentence that anyone says can be contorted to have sexual
meaning. Do so.(sound familiar anyone??!!!)

41 At any given opportunity, point out how things look like various
genitalia. If, by chance, you have Play-Doh, make sure you make an
exact replica of your penis. Measure to make sure it's right.

42 Lie.

43 "Love" is not in your vocabulary. don't even think about saying
it.

44 A general rule: If whatever you're doing does not satisfy you
completely in 5 minutes, it's really not worth it.

45 Diss your girlfirend. Beg and plead until you get her back. Diss
her again. Repeat cycle.

46 Lie.

47 ALWAYS apologize. NEVER mean it.

48 If you hurt someone, pretend you care. Don't.

49 Try to have a good memory, but it's OK if you forget trivial
things. You know, like your girlfriend's b-day and eye color.

50 Ignorance solves problems. If you can't see them, they can't see
you.

51 It is never your duty to take responsibility for your actions.

52 Create new words and phrases to describe genetalia, sex, semen,
etc.

53 Complain about not getting any mail. When people FINALLY feel
sorry for you and send you mail, ignore it and continue complaining.

54 Lie.

55 Play with your food only if you are in a public place with people
you don't know.

56 Play with your penis only if you are in a public place with
people you don't know.

57 If people express extreme disgust at whatever you are doing,
DON'T STOP! This is the desired reaction.

58 You are NOT a virgin. Ever. Males are born without virginity.

59 You are male, therefore you are superior.

60 Agenda for a boring evening: Get beer. Drink beer. Play with
yourself. Have sex. Drink more beer. Pass out.

61 Females do not care what you do to them as long as they get to
please you.

62 Don't ever notice anything.

63 If you're going out with someone but you love someone else, don't
say anything. Wait until the girl you are going out with falls in
love with YOU, and then tell her.

64 Basic fundamental rule of dating: Quantity, not quality.

65 Basic fundamental rule of sex: Quantity IS quality.

66 Lie.

67 If you cheat on a girl, but no one finds out, then technically
you've done nothing wrong.

68 Crying is not manly. Then again, if you are a man, what do you
have to cry about, anyway?

69 If the question begins with "why," the answer is "I don't know."

70 Women are your napkins. Use them, and throw them away.

71 Remember, Every virgin girl is saving herself for YOU.

72 If you ever find yourself in a position where you have been proven
wrong, blame others. Come up with creative and believable excuses
why they are at fault- not you.

73 Don't ever let anyone say "I told you so." If you hear this
phrase and it didn't come out of your mouth, go ballistic.

74 If your woman makes you go shopping with her, drive around until a
parking spot right near the door opens up. If this takes hours, so
be it. You will have the coveted "door spot" and others will worship
your skills.

75 Keep track of how many seconds in your life you have thought
about sex. Compare with others.

76 Other peoples' pain is strictly for your amusement. Laugh long
and loud.

77 Lie.

78 General Rule: Different is BAD.

79 If anyone asks you for a favor- a) make a big deal about how hard
it is for you to do it, b) remind them of this huge favor you've
done for them at least every 5 minutes for the rest of their life.

80 Each penny you save will be worth at least a dollar in the long
run.

81 If you do something really mean to a girl, and she doesn't want to
talk to you, pretend nothing happened. If she still doesn't talk to
you, casually ask, "is something wrong?"

82 Three words: Let's be friends. Translation: I never want to speak
to you again, but it's bad for my nice-guy image if you are mad at
me, so I'll pretend I want to be your friend.

83 Lie.

84 If you're on a date, and there is a lull in the conversation, tell
the girl how many different dorms you've been laid in.

85 When you tell a girl about your past, it's good to say, "God, I
was such a pimp back then."

86 Here's a good trick. Tell a girl that you're going to leave and
when you come back, you want her naked, sprawled on the bed.
Leave,and go into her dad's room and tell him he should go check on
his daughter. Then drive like hell. (true story.)

87 If a girl breaks up with you because you're in love with someone
else, she has no right to be upset. Because, you know, SHE's the one
who wanted to end the relationship.

88 The best sex position is you, lying face up... and twenty girls
on top.

89 Practice your blank stare.

90 Spend your spare time thinking of excuses and shove them up your
ass. Then, whenever you need one, you can pull it out of your ass.

91 If you ever forced to show emotion, just pick random emotions like
rage and lust and insanity and display them at random, inconvenient
times. You won't be asked to do it again.

92 If you are asked to do something you REALLY DON'T want to do,
first try your manly best to get out of it. If that doesn't work, go
ahead and do what you were asked to do, but complain that you don't
know how to do it and continuously ask questions on how to do each
little part. If no one rushes in to do it for you YET, finish the job
in the most half-assed way you possibly can and then say, "SEE?? I
TOLD you I couldn't do it." Eventually, people will stop asking you
to do things.

93 Work out day and night to make your body even more beautiful than
it already is. When people ask if you've been working out, say
things like, "No, Baby, I was BORN like this!"

94 Do not listen to "pussy music" such as Erasure, Color Me Badd, or
Oldies.

95 Beer. Then more beer.

96 Scratch your balls. See if you can embarrass people.

97 One word: FOOTBALL!

98 Real men beat up others who are inferior. I mean, we don't want
the inferior of the species to get to reproduce ever, do we???

99 Diss your girl friends for an occasional night or 5 out with "The
Gang".

100 Admit nothing, deny everything, demand proof.

========================================
>From a 49'ers fan....
========================================
There are 4 Dallas Cowboys in a car,Who's driving?.....The police.

Why can't Michael Irvin be in the Cowboy huddle anymore?....It's a
parole violation for him to associate with known felons,

The team Dr. said because of Michael Irvin's fractured wrist, it will
be 6-8 weeks before he can video tape a teammate having sex.

Just out. The Chicago Bears are trying to trade for Michael Irvin.
They got rid of the of the "refrigerator" and now want a "COKE"
machine....

It was reported today that the artifical turf in Texas Stadium is
being replaced because the Cowboys play much better on 'grass'

The Dallas Cowboys have adopted a new honor system."Yes your
honor","No your Honor".

The Cowboys had a 12 and 5 season last year...12 arrests and 5
convictions....

In a move to strenghten their defense, the Cowboys hired a new
defensive coordinator......Johnny Cochran.

========================================
FOR ALL THOSE BORN BEFORE 1945...YOU ARE SURVIVORS!!!
CONSIDER THE CHANGES YOU HAVE WITNESSED!!!
========================================
<Another one for Cliff and Carol...and Dick M....>

We were born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods,
xerox, contact lenses, frisbees and the PILL.

We were before radar, credit cards, split atoms, lazer beams, and
ball-point pens. Before pantyhose, dishwashers, clothes dryers,
electric blankets, air conditioners, drip-dry clothes--and before man
walked on the moon.

We got married first--and then lived together. How quaint can you be?

In our time, closets were for clothes, not for "coming out of".
Bunnies were small rabbits and rabbits were not Volkswagons. Designer
jeans were scheming girls named Jean or Jeanne; and having a
meaningful relationship meant getting along with our cousins. We
thought fast food was what you ate during Lent; and Outer Space was
the back of the Riviera Theatre.

We were before house-husbands, gay rights, computer dating, dual
careers, and computer marriages. We were before day-care centers,
group therapy and nursing homes. We never heard of FM radio,tape
decks, electric typewriters, artificial hearts, wordprocessors,
yogurt, and guys wearing earrings.

For us, time sharing meant togetherness-- not computers or
condominiums; a "chip" meant a piece of wood; hardware meant
hardware, and software wasn't even a word!

In 1940, "Made in Japan" meant JUNK and the term "making out" referred
to how you did on your exam. Pizzas, "MacDonald's" and instant coffee
were unheard of. We hit the scene when there were 5 cent and 10 cent
stores where you bought things for five and ten cents. You could buy
ice cream cones for a nickel or a dime. For one nickel you could ride
a street car, make a phone call, buy a Pepsi, or enough stamps to mail
one letter and two postcards. You could buy a new Chevy Coupe for
$600....but who could afford one? A pity, too, because gas was 11
cents a gallon.

In our day, cigarette smoking was fashionable. GRASS was mowed. COKE
was a cold drink. POT was something you cooked in. ROCK MUSIC was a
grandmother's lullaby and AIDS were helpers in the Principal's office.

We were certainly not before the difference between the sexes was
discovered, but we were surely before the sex change; we made do with
what we had. And we were the last generation that was so dumb as to
think you needed a husband to have a baby.

NO WONDER WE ARE SO CONFUSED AND THERE IS SUCH A GENERATION GAP
TODAY!!!

========================================
Ho-Hum...More sayings...
========================================
EARTH FIRST! We'll strip-mine the other planets later.

Friends help you move. Real friends help you move bodies.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

He who laughs last thinks slowest!

A flashlight is a case for holding dead batteries.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

I wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.

I won't rise to the occasion, but I'll slide over to it.

Puritanism: The haunting fear that someone, somewhere may be happy.

Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it.

Okay, who put a "stop payment" on my reality check?

Few women admit their age. Few men act theirs.

We have enough youth--how about a fountain of SMART?

All generalizations are false, including this one.

I.R.S.: We've got what it takes to take what you've got!

We are born naked, wet, and hungry. Then things get worse.

Artificial intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

If you are psychic--think "HONK."

========================================
And for now...On With The Day, I Say..!
========================================