A drunken man staggers in to a Catholic church and sits down in a confession box and says nothing. The bewildered priest coughs to attract his attention, but still the man says nothing. The priest then knocks on the wall three times in a final attempt to get the man to speak. Finally, the drunk replies: "No use knockin' mate, there's no paper in this one either." ***

Sign on an electrician's truck: "Let Us Remove Your Shorts."

Sign Outside a radiator repair shop: "Best Place in Town to Take a Leak."

Sign on the door of the maternity ward: "Push Push Push."

Sign on used car lot: "Second hand cars in first crash condition."

Sign at a hotel: "Help! We need inn-experienced people." *** Lawyer Joke Assortment

What's the difference between a tick and a lawyer? A tick falls off you when you die.

What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand? Not enough sand.

What's the difference between a dead snake on the road and a dead lawyer on the road? There are skid marks in front of the snake.

What do lawyers and sperm have in common? One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps? They had pictures of lawyers on them ... and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

Lawyer's creed: A man is innocent until proven broke. *** This guy is walking through Chinatown. He is fascinated with all the Chinese Restaurants, the Chinese shops, the Chinese signs and banners on the buildings. He is having the best time just walking and looking. | He turns a corner and sees a building with a sign "Hans Olafsen's Laundry". | "Hans Olaffsen?", he thinks. "How in the world does that fit in here?". | So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner. The visitor asks, "How in the world did this place get a name like Hans Olaffsen's Laundry?". | | The old man answers "Is name of owner." | The visitor asks "Well, who in the heck is the owner?". | "I am he", answers the old man. | "You? How in the heck did you ever get a name like Hans Olaffsen?" | The old man replies, "Many years ago when I come to this country, I | was standing in line at Documentation Center. Man in front of me was | big blonde Swede. Lady look at him and go 'What your name?' He say Hans Olaffsen." | She look at me..."What your name?". | I say, "Sem Ting." *** Some Good Short Jokes > > "If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a little noose around your neck?".

"The doctor gave me good news," said the man. "Yes, he said that I was in great health for a man twice my age."

"I swear... half of the people in this world don't have the sense that God gave a rock... The other half do!" > "I read this article. It said the typical symptoms of stress are eating too much, smoking too much, impulse buying and driving too fast. Are they kidding? This is my idea of a perfect day!" > I'll tell you what Victoria's Secret is. The secret is that nobody that's 34 inches or 34 years can fit into that stuff. > THE MOST DANGEROUS LIE IS THAT WHICH MOST CLOSELY RESEMBLES THE TRUTH > >A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. > >Yield to temptation, it may not pass your way again. > >Everyone hates me because I'm paranoid. > >If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried. > >Marriage is Grand... >Divorce is 20 Grand... > >Two rules for life: > 1: Don't tell people everything you know > 2: > >"If a man speaks in the forest and there's no woman around to hear him, is he still wrong?"

***

I was out driving and a cop stopped me. He said, "Don't you know that the speed limit here is 55 miles per hour?" I said, "Yes, but I wasn't going to be out that long."

You can't have everything - where would you put it?

I bought powdered water, but didn't know what to add.

I once met a subliminal advertising executive. But just for a second.

Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm

Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines

Early bird gets the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese

I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol

I love defenseless animals, especially in a good gravy

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

If you ain't makin' waves, you ain't kickin' hard enough!

Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have

The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.

When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.

Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.

24 hours in a day ... 24 beers in a case ... coincidence?

Many people quit looking for work when they find a job.

Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don't have film.

If you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Who is General Failure and why is he reading my hard disk?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink?

Join the Army, meet interesting people, kill them.

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Wear short sleeves! Support your right to bare arms!

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

OK, so what's the speed of dark?

Corduroy pillows: They're making headlines!

Black holes are where God divided by zero.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I once tried to microwave instant coffee, and went back in time.