====================================== Shoulda just took the sign down...!!! ======================================

A customer walks into a restaurant and notices a large sign on the wall: $500 IF WE FAIL TO FILL YOUR ORDER! When his waitress arrives, he orders elephant nuts on rye. She calmly writes down his order and walks into the kitchen where all hell breaks loose! The restaurant owner comes storming out of the kitchen. He runs up to the customer's table, slaps five $100 bills down on it and says, "You got me that time buddy, but I want you to know that's the first time in ten years we've been out of rye bread!"

HALLOWEEN INCIDENT [ sorry for all the misc. characters, too lazy to delete them ]

A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. >He, >> being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she = was >> going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need = of >his >> good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and >away >> he went. >> >> The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without >pain, >> and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as >much >> as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she >> would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted >when >> she was not with him. >> >> She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting = around >on >> the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and = copping >a >> little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and >being >> a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry >and >> devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived. >> >> She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her >> husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and >she >> agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little = bang. >> Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home >and >> put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of >> explanation he would make for his behavior. >> >> She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of = a >> time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I = never >> have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you >dance >> much?" >> >> He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I >got >> there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went = into >the >> den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I >> loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!" >> >>

Questions about love, marriage and sex were posed to kids ages 5 to 10. Their answers below are enlightening:

WHAT MOST PEOPLE ARE THINKING WHEN THEY SAY "I LOVE YOU"

"The person is thinking: Yeah, I really do love him. But I hope he showers >at least once a day." (Michelle, 9) >> >>

WHAT IS THE PROPER AGE TO GET MARRIED? >> >>"Eighty-four! Because at that age, you don't have to work >>anymore, and you can spend all your time loving each other in >>your bedroom." (Judy, 8) >> >>"Once I'm done with kindergarten, I'm going to find me a >>wife!" (Tom, 5) >> >>

WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE? >> >>"On the first date, they just tell each other lies, and that >>usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date." >>(Mike, 10) >> >> >>

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? >> >>"You should never kiss a girl unless you have enough bucks to >>buy her a big ring and her own VCR, 'cause she'll want to >>have videos of the wedding." (Jim, 10) >> >>"Never kiss in front of other people. It's a big embarrassing >>thing if anybody sees you. But if nobody sees you, I might be >>willing to try it with a handsome boy, but just for a few >>hours." (Kally, 9) >> >> >>

THE GREAT DEBATE: IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED? >> >>"It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need >>somebody to clean up after them!" (Lynette, 9) >> >>"It gives me a headache to think about that stuff. I'm just a >>kid. I don't need that kind of trouble." (Kenny, 7) >> >> >

CONCERNING WHY LOVE HAPPENS BETWEEN TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE >> >>"No one is sure why it happens, but I heard it has something to >>do with how you smell. That's why perfume and deodorant are >>so popular." (Jan, 9) >> >>"I think you're supposed to get shot with an arrow or >>something, but the rest of it isn't supposed to be so painful." >>(Harlen, 8) >> >> >>

ON WHAT FALLING IN LOVE IS LIKE >> >>"Like an avalanche where you have to run for your life." >>(Roger, 9) >> >>"If falling in love is anything like learning how to spell, I >>don't want to do it. It takes too long." (Leo, 7) >> >> >>

ON THE ROLE OF GOOD LOOKS IN LOVE >>"If you want to be loved by somebody who isn't already in >>your family, it doesn't hurt to be beautiful." (Jeanne, 8) >> >>"It isn't always just how you look. Look at me. I'm handsome >>like anything and I haven't got anybody to marry me yet." >>(Gary, 7) >> >>"Beauty is skin deep. But how rich you are can last a long >>time." (Christine, 9) >> >> >>

CONCERNING WHY LOVERS OFTEN HOLD HANDS >> >>"They want to make sure their rings don't fall off because they >>paid good money for them." (Dave, 8) >> >> >>

CONFIDENTIAL OPINIONS ABOUT LOVE >> >>"I'm in favor of love as long as it doesn't happen when 'The >>Simpsons' is on television." (Anita, 6) >> >>"Love will find you, even if you are trying to hide from it. I >>have been trying to hide from it since I was five, but the girls >>keep finding me." (Bobby, 8) >> >>"I'm not rushing into being in love. I'm finding fourth grade >>hard enough." (Regina, 10) >> >>

THE PERSONAL QUALITIES NECESSARY TO BE A GOOD LOVER >> >>"One of you should know how to write a check. Because, even >>if you have tons of love, there is still going to be a lot of bills." >>(Ava, 8) >> >> >>

SOME SUREFIRE WAYS TO MAKE A PERSON FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU >> >>"Tell them that you own a whole bunch of candy stores." >>(Del, 6) >> >>"Don't do things like have smelly, green sneakers. You might >>get attention, but attention ain't the same thing as love." >>(Alonzo, 9) >> >>"One way is to take the girl out to eat. Make sure it's >>something she likes to eat. French fries usually works for me." >>(Bart, 9) >> >> >>

HOW CAN YOU TELL IF TWO ADULTS EATING DINNER AT A RESTAURANT ARE >>IN LOVE? >> >>"Just see if the man picks up the check. That's how you can tell if >>he's in love." (John, 9) >> >>"Lovers will just be staring at each other and their food will >>get cold. Other people care more about the food." (Brad, 8) >> >>"It's love if they order one of those desserts that are on fire. >>They like to order those because it's just like how their hearts >>are...on fire." (Christine, 9) >> >> >> >> >>

HOW A PERSON LEARNS TO KISS >> >>"You learn it right on the spot when the gooshy feelings get >>the best of you." (Doug, 7) >> >>"It might help to watch soap operas all day." (Carin, 9) >> >> >>

WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE? >> >>"It's never okay to kiss a boy. They always slobber all over >>you...That's why I stopped doing it." (Jean, 10) >> >> >>

HOW TO MAKE LOVE ENDURE >> >>"Spend most of your time loving instead of going to work." >>(Tom, 7) >> >>"Don't forget your wife's name...That will mess up the love." >>(Roger, 8) >> >>"Be a good kisser. It might make your wife forget that you >>never take out the trash." (Randy, 8) >> > >