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    Seems a guy was driving for hours through desolate country when he passed a
  farmhouse, and before he could react, a cat ran out in front of him
  and *splat*... he flattened the cat.  Out of kindness and consideration,
  he  stopped, turned around  and drove back to the farmhouse to notify
  the occupants.  When the housewife came to the door, said he, "Pardon
  me madame, but I just ran over a cat in front of your house, and assumed
  that it must belong to you.  I know this might be hard to hear, but
  I wanted to let you know instead of just driving off...."

     "Not so fast", says she.  "How do you know it was our cat?  Coul
  you describe him? What does he look like?"

    The man promptly flopped down on the ground, and said "He looks like
  this" as he gave his best shot at a dead cat impression.

   "Oh no, you *horrible* man", she replied.  "I meant, what did he look
like *before* you hit him?"

       At that, the man got up, covered his eyes with both hands and
screamed"Agggghhhhhhhhhh !!!!!!"

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The second grade teacher stood in front of her class at the
beginning of the semester and told her class that now they were
older children, there was not going to be any excuse for not using the
proper expression for words that were basically "baby" talk. They were
getting much too old to talk that way, and they needed to use the
correct and proper words. She then told the class that she would
call on each of them to tell what they did over the summer vacation.

First child: I had lots of fun this summer. This summer I went to my
Nana's house.

Teacher: That is wonderful that you had a lot of fun, but it is
incorrect to say you went to your Nana's house. The correct expression
is I went to my GRANDMOTHER's house.

Grandmother is the correct and proper expression.Repeat after me
GRAND-MOTHER.

Second child, raising his hand: Teacher, I had lots of fun too!
I went for a ride on a choo-choo!

Teacher: Now, now, what were we just saying about using proper expressions
and words? The correct expression and words would be I went for a ride on
a TRAIN. The word is TRAIN, not choo-choo. Repeat after me
TRAAAAIIIIINNNNN. TRAIN.

Third child, raised her hand.

Yes Mary, said the teacher, and what did you do this summer?

Mary: I read a book!

Teacher: How nice, and how mature of you. Can you tell the class the
name of the book you read?

Mary, frowning and in deep concentration thought about it for a
while, and all of a sudden brightens up and says, "The book I read
was "Winnie the Shit".

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When Development Engineers go out together on a weekend they talk
about football.

When Middle management meet, they talk about tennis.

When Upper management gather, they discuss golf.

CONCLUSION : The higher up you are in management, the smaller
your balls are.
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51 Days

A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the
door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up
to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take
their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped,
the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days,
51 days, 51 days!"

Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the
chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show
up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days,
51 days, 51 days!"

Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm.
She walks over to the table, sits the picture in the middle and
the table erupts.

Up jump the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging
high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!"

The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks
over to the table. There in the center is a beautifully framed
child's puzzle of the Cookie Monster.

When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the
blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?"

The blonde who brought in the picture pipes in, "Everyone thinks that
blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the
record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put
it together. The side of the box said 2-4 years, but we put it
together in 51 days!"

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