==================================
Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother
won't  let her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy
godmother appears, and promises to provide Cinderella with everything
she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions:

"First, you must wear a diaphragm."  Cinderella agrees.
"Second, you  must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your
diaphragm...will
turn into  a pumpkin."

Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00.

The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't
show up.  Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking love-struck
and *very* satisfied.

"Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your
diaphragm  was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"

Cinderella replies, "I met a prince, fairy godmother, and he
took care  of everything!"

The fairy godmother says, "I know of no prince with that
kind  of   power! What was his name?"

To which Cinderella replies, "I can't remember, exactly ...
Peter  Peter, something or other...."

==================================
Top 20 Replies by Programmers when their programs don't work.
==================================
20. "That's Weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must have a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash."
14. "There is something funky in your data"
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9.  "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8.  "It works, but it's not been tested."
7.  "Somebody must have changed my code."
6.  "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5.  "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4.  "You can't use that version on your system."
3.  "Why do you want to do it that way?"
2.  "Where were you when the program blew up?"
( You have to think like a user to get this one)
1. "I thought I fixed that."

==================================
The poor dog ...!!!
==================================
It's common practice in England to ring a telephone by sending
extra voltage across one side of the two wire circuit and ground
(earth in England). When the subscriber answers the phone, it switches
to the two wire circuit for the conversation. This method allows two
parties on the same line to be signaled without disturbing each other.

  Anyway, an elderly lady with several pets called to say that
her telephone failed to ring when her friends called; and that on the
few occasions when it did ring her dog always barked first. The
telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this
psychic dog.      

  He climbed a nearby telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and
dialed the subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring. He tried again.
The dog barked loudly, followed by a ringing telephone.   

Climbing down from the pole, the telephone repairman found:  

   a. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground post via
      an iron chain and collar..

   b. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current.      

   c. After several such jolts, the dog would start barking and
      urinating on the ground..

   d. The wet ground now completed the circuit and the phone
     would ring..

Which shows you that some problems can be fixed by just pissing
on them. But only temporarily..

==================================
The Difference Between Dogs and Cats
==================================
A dog thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me...
They must be G-ds!

A cat thinks: Hey, these people I live with feed me, love me, provide
me with a nice warm, dry house, pet me, and take good care of me... I
must be a G-d!

==================================
MORE DEFINITIONS FROM "THE CYNIC'S DICTIONARY"
==================================
AUTHOR  A writer with connections in the publishing industry.

BOSS  A personal dictator appointed to those of us fortunate enough to live
in free societies.

CHILDHOOD  The rapidly shrinking interval between infancy and first arrest on
a drug or weapons charge.

DENIAL  How an optimist keeps from becoming a pessimist.

EXPERIENCE  In the working world, something you can't get unless you've
already got it, in which case you probably don't want any more of it.

FITNESS  Salvation through perspiration.

GOURMET  A food fetishist.

HOOKER  A working woman commonly despised by people who sell themselves for
even less.

IDEOLOGUE  Generally an obscure humorless zealot who finds fulfillment by
spouting the ideas of famous humorless zealots.

JEANS  Lower half of the international uniform of youth, the upper half being
the zits.

KLEPTOMANIAC  A thief with breeding.

LABORATORY ANIMALS  Furry foot-soldiers drafted in the name of science.  Some
die nobly in the battle to eradicate cancer; others give their lives so that
we might produce a peach-scented dandruff shampoo.

MARTIAL ARTS  A family of Asiatic self-defense disciplines consisting largely
of sweeping ornamental gestures of the arms and legs; amusing to look at but
disappointingly ineffective when one's opponent is armed with a
semi-automatic.

NEIGHBORS  The strangers who live next door.

ORGASM  The punchline some women just don't get, generally because their
mates have a tendency to rush through the joke.

PARASITE  A base creature that extracts a living from the lives of others,
like a tapeworm or a biographer.

QUAGMIRE  Any situation more easily entered into than exited from; e.g., a
guerrilla war, a bad marriage or a conversation with an insurance salesman.

REDNECK  Popular term for a rustic male, but rarely employed when addressing
one in person.

SMILE  To expose a portion of one's skeleton as a gesture of goodwill toward
a fellow human.

TRAILER PARKS  Latter-day gypsy camps scattered throughout the vast American
hinterland; humble places of abode where hope dies young and tornadoes
gravitate like flies to roadkill.

UNWED MOTHER  One who helps perpetuate the genes of an unwed father, without
the latter's talent for becoming invisible at will.

VOTING  The right of our citizens to do as they please behind a curtain, as
long as they do it alone.

WHITE SUPREMACISTS  The most convincing argument against the theory of white
racial superiority.

X-RAY  A diagnostic tool used to detect existing cancerous growths and create
new ones for future examinations to reveal.

Y-CHROMOSOME  A line of genes designed for men only; the cause of virility,
war, baldness, hockey, sex crimes, clever inventions and a disinclination to
ask for directions when lost.

ZOO  A pleasant and instructive wildlife park, lately denounced for depriving
animals of their right to starve or be eaten alive in their natural habitats.

==================================

==================================